U-turn

[fletch647]

My girlfriend and I have been together for 8 months now and things were going great. We have had a few minor disagreements but nothing serious or major. We had made plans to move in together in a few months time. I am 29 and she is 27. We had a meal last week and the next morning she said she thought the spark had gone and she needed some time. She is away with work for a few weeks so we haven't really spoke. What could have brought on this U-turn? Should I try and speak to her for further clarification or accept it and move on? It just seems like a bolt out of the blue, Thanks

[Mrconfused74]

It's possible she's met someone at work, and they are going away too, if she says it's gone best you can do is move on, she may realise it's a mistake and want to try again, but in my experience it's never the same. Even if it's just cold feet over moving in its a bit extreme to say it's over, move on.

[fletch647]

She said she didn't feel like it did at the beginning and needed some time. To me it seems strange that after going so well and telling me she loves me just weekes before that I will now never see her again. I haven't contacted her as she is away but I was thinking of maybe sending her a letter. Or am I being silly about his and just need to man up, forget about her and move on? I just think you can't switch it off and on like the flick of a switch and if we both think there is still a future we should try.

[snail]

If you still feel the same way in a month or so you could contact her and let her know that. (It needs to be a reasonable length of time from when you broke up so that your declaration of still wanting her is meaningful). If you want to fight for the relationship, then do so - you have nothing to lose other than a little bit of time.

But if a relationship breaks up after only 8 months because one party feels their interest has gone, that isn't a good sign. So try not to hold on too strongly to the thought of your getting back together.

[fletch647]

But have we broke up? She woke and said something feels different and not the same and we both said to take some time while she is away. Surely we should at some point and discuss properly, especially considering we were planning to live together etc. Or is this me trying to force it?

[snail]

No, if that's the case you're not being unreasonable. If she didn't say she definitely wanted to end it then you have a right to have a final decision and some closure, and sooner rather than later, in order to be fair to you.

Just bear in mind that of course people usually say they want to 'take a break' because it's easier right at that moment than saying they want to end it.

[fletch647]

Yes, I think when she is back we definitely need to have a conversation. I will not try and convince her or anything. I obviously have feelings and care for her and will say that but will not carry on unless she tells me she feels the same. Is that reasonable?

[snail]

Yes, I think that's reasonable, as long as it's not too long. You might want to set a time in your head as to how long you will allow for this - one month, two months? After that she has lost her chance and you move on with your life.

[fletch647]

Yeah, I definitely will not let it carry on for months. She is back in around 10 days so will go from there. We haven't spoke since the fallout, I was thinking of sending a letter with some of my thoughts so then she will see that when she is back and it should prompt her to call and try sort it out or we can decide to separate.

[johnay]

To me it doesnt sound promising if she hasnt contacted you at all since that meal. If she requested a break then you definitely need an explanation or a time frame and its up to her to give you this.. I would guess though that she will know where she wants this to go when she returns and she needs to be fair to you. I think you have every reason to expect her to be honest and frank with you so that you can move on if its all over..

[Tarantula]

Possibly she has other plans.

My advice is to resist all temptation to contact and assume it's over. Once she sniffs that you value yourself enough to not wait around for her to pick you up and put you down at her convenience, she will most likely re-evaluate and come 'crawling back'.

My advice to anyone who wants their ex to regret breaking it off (and 'taking a break' is just an unnecessary one-stop from breakup town, employed for all sorts of cowardice reasons on her part) is to appear to FULLY ACCEPT IT out of hand and get on with your life, which means no contact. This approach has the highest chances of your ex thinking 'did I make a mistake?' Pine after her and it will only reflexively reinforce her reasons, whatever they are. She will feel validated in her reasons. And you don't want her coming back to you out of guilt, or obligation, just because you chased and she felt bad saying no.

I understand that taking the 'it's over? Okay then, la la laaah, going about my day now as if nothing happened' route is HARD. It goes against everything you WANT to do and seems counterintuivie. But TRUST me - as someone who has managed to pull this off herself when a guy is withdrawing, and ALSO been on the side of dumping someone only to have them accept it amicably and wholly from the moment I say it... this is the best you can possibly do.

Chasing her in any way (which includes little messages 'for closure', or any other contact whatsoever) lowers your chances of her realising she's made a mistake. The more you chase, the lower your chances. She's expecting you to chase. She's expecting you to not accept it. Do something she won't expect; hold your ground and keep your emotions in check just enough to NOT contact her, either directly or vicariously through third parties, and make an honest go of moving on. Look after YOU. Be prepared for the worst - that she won't want to reconcile - and act as if she's already made that crystal clear.

If she says the 'spark's gone' then what that means is, you've become predictable to her. The novelty has officially left the building. By contacting her, all you're doing is reinforcing that yep, this guy follows a predictable linear path, saw that coming. This is the opposite of what you want! By amicably (and in a non-catty way!) appearing to accept the break up, it'll most likely have HER feeling off-balance. Trust me, she won't be expecting that.

... And, as an absolute fail-safe, if she IS certain about this, due to having some colleague on the go or any other solid reason, well... you would've gone some distance in getting past it, anyway, if you practice No Contact from now, and resist the urge at all costs, to fall at her feet or send even a little 'hey hows you' message.

On another level, entirely separate from trying to get her to reconsider, a sobering thought - she's been with you for eight months, seen what you have to offer, taken it into consideration, all your good points and drawbacks, all your uniqueness and bondings - and roundly decided to call it a day. Why chase that down? Be with someone who will at least offer a solid explanation for things and not just fart off as soon as the novelty wears off. Are you sure you WANT this person back when, as someone else has said, she might hop it at any minute? Especially if she knows that you're a chaser. Then she'll know she can pick you up and put you down whenever and you'll come running.

Don't be that guy. I understand why you would want closure or whatever, but right now you're more motivated in trying to get her back, so, don't try to disguise contact as 'simply wanting answers', 'cause that isn't what you're truly after right now. You want her to take it back (in which case, she would owe you an apology, as it's a big thing to call it off or call 'break', especially out of the blue just like that, and she shouldn't do it unless sure...), so, my advice offers the best chances.

[fletch647]

She messaged me last night and said she is sorry for her behaviour and she has been thinking about me lots. She asked if when she is back we can meet to discuss everything but she doesn't want to end it.

[Mrconfused74]

Only you can decide what you want. In my experience after any kind of break it's never the same, you could worry that she'll wake up one morning and say the same thing. Also why did she want this break? Was it so she could be with someone else while away? And now she's maybe realised that it wasn't as good as she thought it would be. The spark does go after a while, you have to work on keeping it going. If you want to try again then only you can decide that. Can you cope with any of the thoughts you'll have, or the worry it's going to happen again.

[johnay]

It's possible she got cold feet at the thought of moving in together and wanted a bit of time to wonder on it all. I hope its all positive for you and that it all works out positively at least.

[Tarantula]

Don't be too quick to forgive and forget this.

A message is insufficient. She should be calling in the first instance and have a lot to say for herself and why she just pulled that number on you.

In my experience also, coming from the side of the woman who calls it off and then goes back and forth... it really isn't the same after the first time you jeopardise the relationship itself. Arguments happen, but to undermine the relationship as a whole is really difficult to fix.

So you need to fully understand why she did this, and why she won't do it again. She should be falling over herself to explain this to you. Anything less and it's just a disappointment and she will know deep down that she can play as she likes.