Confused partner

[Cqnn1977]

Hi I am new to this site but I really need to talk to someone. I've been with my partner for 17 years and we have 4 kids together. The youngest one was a huge surprise as my partner and I were having a few problems at the time I fell pregnant. I thought we could make things work but I have recently found that he has been talking to guys on different sites. He has told me that he hasn't done anything and is just curious but I'm not convinced. I feel as though my full world has fell apart.

[David020549]

Dangerous curiosity!. Maybe it was just that, what happens now depends on how much you love him, if you can forgive him this once then make it clear that there will be no second chance.
After 17 years give him that one indiscretion I do realize what a shock it has been to you, the alternative is to kick him out and divorce but do you really want all the family disruption that will cause. There is no easy option, being a single mum with 4 kids is not a bed of roses.

[Cqnn1977]

This isn't the first time this has happened I found messages on his phone once by accident as my phone was broken so I was using his and a text came through so I saw the full conversation but he denied that aswell and deleted the messages. I have told him to leave before but he just says he can't leave the kids but when I said it to him the other night he's says he won't leave until the debts are clear but that will take too long. I don't think I can live this miserable life any more.

[johnay]

Hi you haven't given us much information about how good your marriage is at the moment to give you a full reply..You have 4 kids between you and you deserve security and support I would guess at this time in your life.I know this because I have 4kids myself and I would guess they are very important to him in the same way. You haven't said whether you want to improve your relationship or whether it's over mostly anyway before you found these messages.. If it wasn't working and you want to finish things then that is possible but don't blame these messages for the failure of your marriage.. You need to part amicably so that your kids continue to get the love and support of both of their parents..
If you do want your marriage to work then I would guess you can make things work..A number of us married men do find some men attractive in the same way we do women and its not such a big deal to have fantasised etc. You obviously do feel that there has been some lack of trust with his behaviours but he says he hasn't acted on anything.. If he had then you may need to assess whether you can trust him again and whether he wants to remain in a monogamous straight relationship..if he does then you will have to have longvtalks and find out why he has feltvthe need to contact men..There could be many reasons for this and I can't speculate on that because I am not him.. It could be that he is bi or that he just needs sexual outlets and getting with men is easy I know...
Please don't feel that it is you who is to blame and I'd guess he probably loves you deeply but feels defensive about his behaviour. He might only just be starting to come to terms with not bring a completely straight man and the older us bi men get the more that can surface..Your world doesn't need to fall apart but it may change,adapt or need a lot or work..Hopefully some folks on this forum may be able to help if you need advice or to chat..

[Mrconfused74]

I agree with johnay, there is very little background and it seems as if you are using this as a reason to end your marriage so I guess there is more than what you're saying. It seems to be a sexual thing for your husband, are you intimate together? Has the sex in your marriage reduced recently? It's quite possible that he is frustrated and using this as a sexual release, doesn't mean he's gay, or bi, just that he's looking for a release and it's easier to find with men than women. If there are other reasons for you wanting out then making it to be about this won't make any separation easy, you need to sit down and talk to your husband, or if you can't and need more advice then you need to open up about how your marriage had failed, as this seems to be the catalyst for your decision not the ultimate reason.

[Minna]

Hi there. What a sad situation for you all.

It does sound as though your partner is attracted to men. Perhaps he is still curious and nothing has happened. I don't think that possible lack of sex with you (forgive me if your sex life is good - this is just a presumption) would attract him to other men just because sex man-to-man is more available. I can't imagine a straight man would want sex with another man just because it was easier to get sex.

So your husband sounds bi-curious. What is he to do? This is a sad situation for him too. I don't think he would choose to be attracted to men (and that is not a criticism of bi's or gays) in the situation that he is in as, of course, he will still love you and his children - I'm sure that that love will always be there. His knee-jerk reaction will be to deny to you that he has feelings for men. He has probably been denying it to himself for a long time.

The question is - would you accept his 'bi' feelings, knowing that he still loves you and your children as much as ever and still wants to make love to you? Being bi-sexual is not something that will go away or something that he will 'get over'. He is the way he is. One day, his feelings could well overwhelm him and he will seek out a man for sex - perhaps more than once and with more than one man. Would you consider this as being unfaithful?

Some women (and men) will accept that their partners are attracted to the same sex, tolerating this because their partner, despite their 'flings', gives them love both emotionally and physically. But that is not really relevant to you. The question is, how would YOU feel?

Sit down with your partner and gently ask him what is going on with these viewings and texts. Try not to be angry or shocked. Being bi or gay is NOT wrong. But in your situation, where a loving partner and loved children are involved, it MUST be talked about. It cannot remain the 'elephant in the room'. It could be that you yourself will come to some sort of acceptance and understanding about his 'hidden' needs so that you can carry on as far as possible as you did before or, if you find that you cannot (and there is no right or wrong in the decision you make), then it would be better to have a 'friendly' separation/divorce for the sake of everyone, including your children of course.

Just remember that nobody is bad or in the wrong here, it's just unfortunate circumstances.

Good luck for the future.