Curious behaviour of female friend... or is it me?

[fredbloggs123]

Folks... I'm supposed to be an intelligent person but I just cant fathom my married friend out.

She has a wonderful personality, everyone likes her, incredibly attractive... we used to work together a few years ago either side of her marriage two years ago. Colleagues thought we were close and they, men and women, commented as such (still do), but we both have had no intimate contact with each other.

Before she got married... we were calling/texting chatting... we really proverbially 'got on'.
After her marriage... she's more or less binned me.

No texting (apart from what I'm going to say next)/calling/fb. She has been the kind of woman who hasn't spoke to me for 6-8 weeks but then proceeded to ask me to attend her exclusive birthday bash (which I kindly declined). I've seen her 2x in two years.

Anyway... cut to the chase and for the past year/year and a half... she'll text every few weeks about a 'job' that she's found for me... like a new vacancy that she's found for me that she thinks would be good for me.

Its really weird.... that is her opening gambit to me after weeks and weeks of not speaking. Its not a 'Hi... how are you... long time no hear?'... that comes later or not at all.

She even tried to get me a job in the same place that she was working in... strange in that she'll not speak to me for ages but she'll go out of her way to find something for me where she works. She's even been known to text me late in the evening RE: a job... something that would easily be left for the next day?

Now, also curious... some of these jobs don't really exist... they're anecdotal in their beginnings and they tend to gently spirit away into the ether but this most recent one... she's actually given me a vacancy that's close to my home, suits my career, skills and is in the same town that she lives in. She too said she is trying to find a job there. It checks out too... all of it. Its 'legit'. This company know her and know of me. She's done the leg-work for real.

What on earth is going on?

Is there something I'm missing here?

We don't hate each other... far from it... I think we like each other bundles. If she called right now... it'd be awkward at first as I haven't heard from her but after that... it's cool. Is she trying to validate herself with me? Is she shy that she has this disguise when she contacts me.. almost as though she wants to say something but is saying something else?

Look... she's very cute and its great to hear from her and I feel amazed that someone is 'looking out' for me, especially when that person doesn't really communicate via any social media prior to doing what she's doing.

I rather have her invite me to have a coffee with her... isn't that simpler? I've invited her for a coffee once... but she jokingly asked me if it was a 'date'. She's asked me for a coffee before... I never made a drama out of it.

From the outside... it looks like we're not close (perhaps we're not!)... so why on Earth would someone want to:
1. go out of their way to help someone they never see anymore and
2. be with someone at a workplace for 8 hours a day (as its her intention to try and work in the same organisation as me), when they don't speak to them socially outside of work??????

Perhaps its me but I have never known anyone in my life that has had this behaviour. Imagine someone you used to know but completely faded away with, continuously try and get you a job where they work/in their home town where any other real conversation is non existent.

Any thoughts greatly received!

[Mrconfused74]

I take it she's still married?
If that's the case then it could quite simpl be that she didn't feel it's right she was as close to you now she is married. And her finding you a job is just a friendly thing to do, especially if she was looking and noticed one that is ideal for you. The fact it's in her town is irrelevant, a lot of people would look to work close to home, and that may just be it.

When we get close to someone we always question things they do, I know I have, I was talking to a woman for a number of months and now she pretty much ignores me. That may be because I knew I was attracted to her, but as she is in a relationship knew it wouldn't go anywhere, so after advice, I gradually withdrew myself. Like you I'd go for coffee we'd talk about all sorts especially if one of us was down, and we'd make each other laugh. But I wanted something more, and it wasn't going to happen. Now I often feel I've let her down and been rude.

But anyway, if you like the look of this job, there is no reason you can't go for it, she may well just be looking out for you, she may want her 'work husband' back, lots of people in relationships have similar situations at work, after all we do spend a majority of our day there, and it's not unknown for people to get close and comfortable without anything untoward going on.
What you need to ask yourself is what it is you want? Do you want your friend back? Or do you want more?
If it's the first then go for it, if it's the latter, then maybe it's best to break ties completely.

[fredbloggs123]

hmmm... interesting points.

I just think that on both sides... not just mine... if we were OK as friends then we'd have met/called/txted/fb more... that's what friends do. I do it with other girlfriends.
We don't because we both know its not right. I have certainly not fuelled any fire for the past 20 odd months.

My point I still have an issue with is... I don't know if her husband would be happy if he knew his wife was ultimately trying to get her 'work husband' back in the same workplace as her. I haven't instigated ANY of this at all and don't because I have understood the implications of getting close to a married woman. However, as I've said, out of the blue, a txt gets to me RE: a job and she behaves like a personal recruitment agent to me.

Let's say (imagining) I have feelings for her and, as you said, she knows this? Well... surely the thing not to do, as a married woman, is to go out of your way to try and get a job for a man who has feelings for you after all this time?

Let's say this is innocent on her part. Marvellous... I'm happy she's looking out for me. But... I have never thought about someone enough... someone who I never see/fb/txt/call enough to find them a job, and she has been doing so for over a year now.

We worked together but not that close.
I think she misses me so much, even after two years apart... that she wants to be 'with' me again because we/she enjoyed it a lot. These 'actions' are her only way of doing so.

I could do the same thing for her... we both have a similar skills set and vacancies pop up from time to time. I could do the same thing for her couldn't I? But I don't as it's unusual and a bit weird.

[Mrconfused74]

The fact you've stopped, shows that maybe to both of you there was something more there, it's possible things aren't going well in her marriage and she's looking for a connection or friend that understands her. I know in my case, looking back she was using me to make herself feel good, as she wasn't getting that from her partner.

As for your main issue, I'm guessing h doesn't know, and the fact that she stopped contact means she doesn't want him to know. And if he does it's unlikely to be good for anyone. Been there too, lol.

You know it's not right to get close to a married woman, so what I would do, is to say, you're happy in your job and don't intend on moving. And that perhaps under the circumstances it's best you don't contact each other anymore.
Will you hurt her? Possibly, but if it means you can move on then that's all that matters. It'll be tough for a while, but if you're doing it for the right reasons then that's what matters.

[fredbloggs123]

Appreciate that.
Listen... of course I care about her... I'm not dead from the waist down!
There's been an elephant in the room for ages... other friends of ours have pointed it out... they cant all be wrong.

I have tried to step away... blimey I have.... but she comes back with something that seems innocent but is, to me, something potent and it hurts that I'm going to have to have 'that chat' with her.

[Mrconfused74]

If you don't want to tell her, then just don't return texts, may not hurt less, but it might be easier. Trust me I've been there, and even now i still want to ask how she is, but I know I'll just fall back to square one. Sometimes you do have to be cruel to be kind. If she's having marriage problems she needs to sort them out.

[fredbloggs123]

You're right.

Thinking like her... surely she must be a little embarrassed by what happens every so often.. with this job malarkey?
I've shown this to my friends and they're struggling to understand it.
I mean... does she know she's doing it? Is she a tease? Does she like the drama? Does she genuinely care? Does she want to keep me at arms length but to never let me forget her?

In the early days yup, I was close. Now, I feel sad that an intelligent, attractive woman needs to 'do' all this instead of just sitting down with me and opening up. I let her go purely because I didn't want to carry this behaviour on but it seems she cant help herself... for whatever reasons. She never speaks to me unless its on her terms or whenever she's in the frame of mind/has possible problems at home.

Even now... we've had a few txts and then nothing for another 6 weeks! The cycle will begin again.

[snail]

It's clear there is/was a sexual attraction there, at least on your part (her feelings are not completely clear, based on your post). Her husband may well be aware of that, either because he's sensed it from her or because mutual acquaintances have actually mentioned it. That would tie in with the contact ending abruptly after her marriage. For that reason she may not be able to talk to you on social media or "go for a coffee" with you without it causing serious problems. I would guess that getting in touch with you about jobs is a legitimate and non-romantic reason to have contact with you - one that would not get her into any trouble. This need for contact is probably what's behind the non-existent jobs. The real jobs where you might work together are a similar motivation - this is about the ability to have you in her life in a totally innocent way that won't cause comment or marital problems.

As to why she's doing this, well, she might be blissfully happy with her husband but misses her good friend, in a perfectly platonic way. She might still fancy you and want to start a relationship with you in a 'safe' way where she gets to keep her marriage for as long as possible to try it out. She might just want to have an affair with you but stay married. She might like the ego boost and excitement and want to keep you hanging on without ever actually wanting more.

I would be inclined to let the contact gradually diminish to nothing or almost nothing - I can't see how this can benefit you. If she leaves her husband and contacts you, then that would be a different matter. But I wouldn't be waiting for that, even a little - after all, she knew you before, but she still chose to marry him.

[Mrconfused74]

That's exactly where I was. I nearly always seemed to make the first contact, even now she will just give a little wave, but makes no attempt to talk. I'm pretty certain that if I was to approach her we could pick up where we left off, but I can't put myself through that. Unlike you I never asked for her number, so never text, but as we would see each other and talk most days, there didn't seem the need, I'd go to hers for coffee, and we even went out one morning, she said her partner knew, yet if they were ever together and saw me, she would not acknowledge me, so it made me wonder.
So even if she says her husband is aware, there's a chance he won't.
Snail is right, she may love the attention and it could well be boosting her ego, and she loves it, so she's getting a lot of what she needs, ie attention, someone that might be flattering her, giving her advice and listen to her, where maybe her husband isn't and you in return are getting nothing from it?

It's strange that you are n a similar place to me, and I'm giving the advice that others gave me but I didn't listen till late on, check out my post if you want and see the advice I was given.

[fredbloggs123]

I have taken my own advice for a while now so don't do any initiating like I was, say, 20 months ago. I'm cool with it all... honestly I am but when I keep getting contacted when I don't initiate, it seems like the tables are turned.

BUT... and here's the big BUT... all those months ago I sat down and asked myself 'What am I getting out of this?' and it was nothing.
That's why I stopped. At first, our 'friendship' was ace but its come to this.

I think you're right... its a mixture of ego boost, attention, tease, flattery. I've even stopped that too but she still comes back for more! I certainty haven't a hold on her and she has enough guy orbiters I bet who would do what she wanted so it's weird she wants me to be the one doing it.

[Mrconfused74]

I agree it's weird that she will try to initiate things by text, but all you can do is ignore them, only then may you see her intentions, it's possible she will move on, but like I sometimes think, maybe she's just missing a very close friend, I mean friends are there through everything be that break ups, deaths, even marriage problems. And they count on you to be there for them, the problem comes when one or both of you have stronger feelings than just friendship.
By cutting all contact, which might mean blocking her text messages will make it easier, but whilst you leave even the slightest bit of the door open for her, she will have reason to contact you.

[fredbloggs123]

Thnx.
She seems fine and her demeanour seems fine too.
I'm not the kind of person who likes having their emotions turned on and off like a switch as she seems to do after days and days of NC when she thinks she can return to a status quo with me.
You know, when she got married she asked me to go to the reception but not take my partner at the time and, instead, pretend to be a bf to a mutual friend of ours who 'hadn't a date' that day....
wow!

[David020549]

This friend is becoming a pest and likely to end up unhappy one way or the other.
If I was in your position I would meet her and have a serious chat, find out her story why she is contacting you, then tell her your story why it is causing a problem. The future of her marriage and any relationship you may have depend on stopping the unwelcome contact.

The probable cause is marriage has become routine or job has become boring or both and she wants more from life, fond memories make you the easy contact.

[fredbloggs123]

Thanks David020549

We share great times but I think the 'relationship' we have is not normal... by any stretch.
I like her but I'm happy to give her up and not be communicated with every time she feels like she needs a pick up. I'm not the type of guy to rubbish on people so the idea of having this chat needs to be done in a subtle way I suppose.
I lose both ways in effect.

[Leigh72]

If it was me, I'd block her number and then she can't contact you. You have said that you're not getting anything from this, so why let yourself get dragged in every now and again? It sounds as though she is after an ego boost or things aren't going well for her in her marriage, but that's for her to sort out, not to lay on you. This relationship is not normal as you have identified, so I would cut away and let her get on with it.