I am unhappy in my relationship but we have children... Help

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I am unhappy in my relationship but we have children... Help

Postby Secret8890 » Wed Jan 06, 2016 1:57 pm

Hi, please excuse the bit of rant here!

I am unhappy in my relationship, but I have a son and a step son who I love dearly! I am 25 years old and currently live with my girlfriend and 2 children in her family home with her parents (I was kicked out by my adopted mother because of my girlfriend – but that was my mother’s issues). My stepson is nearly 6 years old and my son is 10 months old.
We have been together for 2 years now, and for the first part, it was great! It always is! She fell pregnant and we were happy, however, that’s when things started to go downhill. She started to base our relationship and our baby that was due on her previous relationship with my stepson’s dad (who is no longer around).
I work full time and she has just gone back to work after maternity, on a zero hour contract so doesn’t earn a lot, she tries to do 4 half days a week, and the rest is with our son (my stepson is at school full time). I am also going to night school to learn a trade to better my prospects and salary so that I can provide for my family.
My main points of concern are;
• I now have no friends because I am not ‘allowed’ to go and see anybody, any time outside of work has to be spent with her – which, I understand to a degree, however, everybody needs to have friends! It makes me feel alone, isolated from society.
• I have no other family (as previously mentioned, I was adopted and kicked out)
• I am in debt and every time I start to see improvements, she spends more and it gets worse.
• It feels like I have a ‘curfew’ – if I am 10 minutes late home from work, I get a call asking me where I am, it turns into an argument when I say that there was traffic, which is often the case!
• I feel like I cannot be a dad, if I was to pick my son up when I get home from work she shouts and swears at me saying he was happy where he was, or when he wakes up in the morning and I say good morning then I get it in the ear because I’ve spoken to him – it’s as if I need to have permission to talk to or hold my own son.
• My son does not even have my name, he has her maiden name, which always upsets me every time I think about it – my gut churns.
• If I do anything to help off my own back then it turns into an argument, for example if I make bottles up or feed the animals on my own – you know, being helpful so she doesn’t have to do it (she has 3 horses and some smaller animals) then we get into an argument because ‘she was going to do it’ and then ignores me for the rest of the evening – like literally ignores me when I talk to her – yet she says that I do nothing unless asked to (contradictive?)
• I can’t just do anything without her say so, if I do then I’m in the wrong – as an example, I want to have a quick shower, but that is the wrong thing to do because it means an argument is on the way because ‘I don’t want to spend any time with her’
• We sleep in separate bedrooms (I sleep in her sister’s old room) and our intimacy levels have decreased dramatically, maybe once or twice a month, if that?!

I feel like I am going through the motions of a relationship without the drive for it. she talks about having more kids, and if I show anything other than agreement then she threatens to leave me because all she wants is a big family – don’t get me wrong I would love more kids, but not just yet, I want to enjoy my son for a couple of years before another baby, but she wants to be pregnant within the next 10 months!
I have learned to discover the wonders of her mouth, by that I mean that it is very foul and language used is just unnecessary, everybody swears, I’m not saying I don’t swear, but within reason! Every other word is a swear word! And name calling is one of her favourite hobbies, she loves to call me names and say I am useless at whatever it may be!
I am unhappy because I feel like I have no life of my own, I have to live by what rules is set to me and if I go outside of those boundaries then it is time for an argument. I have lost my family (that I grew up with), I have lost my friends, I have lost my confidence and I feel like I am losing myself as a person! And if I do leave, I have nowhere to go other than sleep in my car!

Does anybody have any similar experiences and/or advice that they can share with me?

Sorry for the long post, but I just need to let it out (with no family or friends, I have no-one to vent to!)

Thank you in advance……..
Secret8890
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Re: I am unhappy in my relationship but we have children...

Postby snail » Thu Jan 07, 2016 4:23 pm

My goodness, what a stressful situation for someone of your age to be coping with. Your partner certainly is contradictory, to the point of being irrational, but I would guess that she's very unhappy herself for whatever reason, and her irritability and irrationality is because of that. How old is she? Why is she so desperate to have another child immediately do you think, given the circumstances?

There's a lot in your post, but here are a few things that occurred to me; firstly, go to CAB or contact the housing department of your local council and see what housing is available for a 25-year-old man with a very young child that he will have custody of sometimes. Do this in your lunch break, so your partner doesn't know - I don't think it will be helpful to tell her, but you need to know where you can go if you have to. I think this should be the first thing you do.

Once you know where you could go if you absolutely had nowhere to sleep, well you could just leave of course. But I think it is worth trying to save this relationship. I think you need to stand up to her a little in order to get the relationship on a more equal footing. Once it's on a more equal footing and not just her bullying you, you may then be able to have more productive discussions about the specific problems (money, sex, your child's surname) that you have, and what it is that is making her so irrational and unhappy. So secondly, when she next talks about having another baby and you say not now (because you are in debt and can't afford it, because you have your hands full with the children you already have, plus your jobs, the animals, the night classes etc) and she threatens to leave you, say that you would be devastated if that happened but if she needs to do that then she should go ahead and leave.

Thirdly, you are in debt but she has three horses?! Horses are incredibly expensive, most people can't afford one. Can you stop her from spending your money? If she wants three horses then she has to wait until you're debt-free or finance them herself. If the horses stay, then she stops dipping into your money and deepening your debt.

Fourthly, arrange a quick meet up with a friend, or something similar for yourself, one morning a month (that's eminently reasonable, at least at the moment). If she says you should want to spend the time with her, say that if you slept in the same room you'd spend much more time together, so why don't you do that? That will make it difficult for her to object.

I think if you can make these changes - try to be very calm but firm - it will improve the relationship. From then on, you might be able to get her to agree either to civilised discussions with you, or to going to Relate for a few sessions.
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Re: I am unhappy in my relationship but we have children...

Postby David020549 » Sat Jan 09, 2016 8:33 am

In general I don't think ultimatums work with women but in this case where she is totally out of control it is justified because she is spending way out of your means. If you leave she will have to get rid of the horses and animals because her benefit payments will not support that spending, so find alternative accommodation for yourself, now, as for your child a mother will usually get custody of a young child.

Maybe later you will get custody but short term think just yourself, you will probably have to carry out the separation to make her see sense. What ever you do don't move back in or give her any cash until she has changed her ways, including bad language, faced with reality hopefully she will see sense, she needs you not vice versa.
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