6 Months before Marriage, constant arguing, feel lost...

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Re: 6 Months before Marriage, constant arguing, feel lost...

Postby HelpDave » Wed Jan 13, 2016 4:30 pm

I hope she still wants kids, I can't wait to have them!

Thank you for all your comments it's given me a few different views about things so when we talk I can look at it from different perspectives...
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Re: 6 Months before Marriage, constant arguing, feel lost...

Postby Mrconfused74 » Wed Jan 13, 2016 6:04 pm

When it comes to the wedding, most women think of it as their day, they don't plan on getting married more than once, so want it to be just perfect, as they do the honeymoon, not just where but what you do, so it makes for a wondefrul story and the memories of them. Maybe she is annoyed at the fact you spent £5k on the mortgage not on 'her' special day. Yes their should be compromise, but let's be fair you go to the wedding what do most people want to see? The bride and the dress....

I think it's time to sit her down, ask her what it is she really wants from the relationship, you might even have to accept the wedding is her choice, and that she will need to change in other ways, like working the odd extra day.
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Re: 6 Months before Marriage, constant arguing, feel lost...

Postby David020549 » Thu Jan 14, 2016 8:01 am

Right at the start of this thread you have a forthright put down of your girlfriend by Tarantula backed up by Snail, two intelligent modern women who dont like the freeloading lifestyle, women are often the harshest critics of other women. I took a more charitable view based on the fact that a relationship that has lasted 12 years must have its good points and a way of saving it should be found, because there are plenty of relationships where the woman does very little other than being a companion/homemaker.
If you can afford to keep her continuing that way of living, marry her but she will not change, if you threaten to postpone the wedding for a year so that she can work to help pay, she will probably walk out but I don't see any alternative.
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Re: 6 Months before Marriage, constant arguing, feel lost...

Postby johnay » Thu Jan 14, 2016 6:57 pm

Hey I feel that I should congratulate you on being a good man. You have a good career. You are very sensible with your finances and in my eyes have made excellent plans for your future together in that regard. You seem to be a modern man from a good family who wants to treat your partner fairly and to not control her. You share chores fairly and do not expect your partner to stay in only with you. You are happy to share your finances and obviously discuss finances etc sensibly with your partner..
I'm not surprised you both want to get married after spending quite a lot of time together now and I would guess you will be a great father.

But why is your partner acting like a princess????? I'm guessing she's from an old fashioned traditional family where the females have been dominated. She likes you doing so much and will go along with only working part time and everything else because it suits her..She's also got used to having her cake and eating it now instead of appreciating the great place she is in.. Many young couples would love to be in the same place as you both. She's just not showing fairness in my eyes and it seems to me like she should be knuckling under to make your plans and relationship work a lot more than she is. I'm afraid a lot of folks like to talk about equality etc but aren't always ready to live that life.. If you accept things as they are then I feel it is all going to end in tears.. Marriage and children need a big amount of effort. You have to do without big time if you want to have kids and buy a home etc.. I'm getting the feeling you are happy to do this but your partner isn't.
I see you've had a number of BIG talks.. I think you need some more and they need to be done with a minimum of argument if possible. Write your points down if that would make it easier...
The marriage and honeymoon situation needs a proper financial plan. Set a very rigid budget that has to be stuck to. Ask her to prioritise how she would spend that money with no overshoot...Put the onus on her to make decisions as I feel she hasn't been doing enough of that,.. Discuss whether a honeymoon is necessary if you are to have kids soon and would she like to have a fund for those early years with a child when you both may not make as much money as at present..
It's very easy for one person in a partnership to be the driver in it and I think that's you at the moment.. That's not a criticism its just often what happens but your other half needs to be more involved in financial planning and decisions- I'm guessing she's not so used to that in her family situation for women to do this as much. It feels like she needs to be more mature in regard to money. If you cant agree about money in a marriage I'm afraid you will have a lot of problems especially at a time when a third person may enter the scenario.
I think she feels that you are to blame for the split and she doesn't need to make an effort to change. A list of how you've changed things and a list of her complacency might highlight what has actually changed.. I wish you luck here as you are at a crucial point in your lives together and I hope it works out for you
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