My Girlfriend Parents Are Racist - Is my relationship over??

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My Girlfriend Parents Are Racist - Is my relationship over??

Postby ThatGuy » Wed Jan 27, 2016 11:07 am

Hello all,
Basically I am a 25 year old man and have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 3.5 years. Like in most relationships we have had our ups and downs but are fully committed to each other. The problem lies with her parents. They are totally against interracial relationships. Well her dad is more understanding but her mum is on a next level saying she would disown any of her children if they brought home a black partner. My girlfriends parents really like me but only because they think my relationship with their daughter is strictly platonic.

My girlfriends relationship with her parents has never been great but I recently went to prison and whilst I was a way a family member of my girlfriend died which made her get closer with her family. My girlfriend sees her self in a catch 22 situation which is making her depressed. She doesn't want to leave me but having gotten a relationship with her family for the first time ever doesn't want to jeopardise it. My girlfriend went to the extreme of having our baby aborted in secret so she didn't have to tell anyone.

What do I do I want nothing more then to spend the rest of my life with her..

Thanks in advance

ThatGuy
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Re: My Girlfriend Parents Are Racist - Is my relationship ov

Postby David020549 » Thu Jan 28, 2016 2:47 pm

Parents want their children to lead a happy life, meeting a partner of a similar culture and lifestyle makes that much more acceptable to a parent. It's not racism, there are plenty of mixed race couple that get along fine, and plenty of grandparents who adore the kids they have.
You should ask yourself will my culture and lifestyle really make this girl and and kids you have together HAPPY?, can I earn enough money to keep them in a good life?, if you cannot answer yes to both questions the dont be surprised if her parents are sceptical.
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Re: My Girlfriend Parents Are Racist - Is my relationship ov

Postby Tarantula » Thu Jan 28, 2016 9:02 pm

A mum saying she'll disown her daughter if she brings home a black man, yeah, that's pretty racist. That is, by definition, racist.

Well OP I imagine there's more to this story you've not told us. Secret abortion? Why were you in prison? Do her parents know about that? If so, then I imagine it's more than your ethnicity that they're holding against you, or would be, if they knew the nature of your relationship with their daughter.

In the end, it's her choice, and if they drop her on the basis of that then they're rubbish parents. There's not much you can do, if you try to force her to do anything, it'll probably push her away.

I couldn't be with someone who was keeping me a secret, especially for unjust reasons. She shouldn't be in a position where she feels she has to do that in the first place, and they've let her down as parents by putting her in that position yes, but that doesn't mean she has to let YOU down by going along with it.

But yeah as I say, I imagine there's a whole lot more going on than just this.
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Re: My Girlfriend Parents Are Racist - Is my relationship ov

Postby Mrconfused74 » Fri Jan 29, 2016 2:26 am

Tarantula is spot on! There is more to this, you can't just say you went to prison she had a secret abortion! Without there being more to it. If you want proper advice then you need to be honest with the facts.
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Re: My Girlfriend Parents Are Racist - Is my relationship ov

Postby ThatGuy » Fri Jan 29, 2016 7:12 am

Hi, I went to Prison for something I didn't do.
The problem is posted in its entirety without getting personal. My girlfriend had the abortion because she's feels pressured from both sides even though I trying to support her in what ever decision she makes.
I have a full time job - Recruitment Consultant
And believe me her Mum is racist. The fact she has called my girlfriend dirty for sleeping with a Blackman and the colourful words she uses to describe a black person.
I know a racist when I see one.
Trust me
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Re: My Girlfriend Parents Are Racist - Is my relationship ov

Postby Mrconfused74 » Fri Jan 29, 2016 10:19 am

The fact that you didn't do whatever it was that you went to prison for the fact is you did go! And that is what her parents will see. Doesn't matter if their daughter tells them you didn't do it, the fact is that you were in a position to have been accused and sentenced, be it for a minor offence or not. As for the racism it sounds like it is just the mother and the father will just agree with her on anything.
What pressure was there from both sides? Were they saying get rid of it and you keep it? That could also make a big difference to how try and your gf feels. But the truth is they just see one side, have you argued and she's gone to them? They obviously know you went to prison and any parent would be protective of that regardless the circumstances.
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Re: My Girlfriend Parents Are Racist - Is my relationship ov

Postby ThatGuy » Fri Jan 29, 2016 11:07 am

I would understand about her family being over protective, but her mum knew I didn't commit the offence, and her dad is a criminal himself. (pot kettle black)
The pressure was I wanted her to have the baby. I thought it was what we both wanted. and if her family found out she was pregnant they would disown her.
We haven't argued but we spend less time together now as my girlfriend doesn't want to get caught in the event her mum or dad turn up at her house randomly.
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Re: My Girlfriend Parents Are Racist - Is my relationship ov

Postby Mrconfused74 » Fri Jan 29, 2016 12:31 pm

In that case all you can do is give your gf time, she's trying to rebuild her relationship with her parents, and so will need your support, but you may have to accept when it comes to it, that she's likely to choose family over a relationship.
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Re: My Girlfriend Parents Are Racist - Is my relationship ov

Postby ThatGuy » Fri Jan 29, 2016 12:45 pm

I thought as much. Thank you for your words
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Re: My Girlfriend Parents Are Racist - Is my relationship ov

Postby Tarantula » Sat Jan 30, 2016 5:39 pm

Yeah, to be honest, their racism rules out their worthiness to be taken seriously in my eyes - who gives a monkeys what they think?!

Well, your gf, obviously.

Don't be with someone who keeps you a secret. Although the parents' attitude isn't something she can control, her response to it is. She shouldn't be indirectly condoning their views, by catering to them. She should be telling them what-for and standing by her relationship. Yeah, I'd want out, sad as it is.

There are surely plenty of women who wouldn't be in this situation, or entertain it.
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Re: My Girlfriend Parents Are Racist - Is my relationship ov

Postby spacegirl » Sat Feb 13, 2016 11:56 pm

Hello, I'm afraid I respectfully disagree with Tarantula and MrConfused. The fact that you were in prison and your gf had an abortion are immaterial to this problem and none of our business in my opinion. The problem in hand is that your gf feels she needs to keep your relationship a secret. You say her parents like you, (albeit because they think the relationship is platonic) so presumably they know your past and accept this about you. The concern here is your girlfriend, even before the issues with her family. You're 25 and been with your gf for 3.5 years. How old is she? If she is the same age you are both of an age that you can make your own life decisions about who you want to be with, having children, doing what you want with your life. You are doing nothing wrong and she should be considering tge impact this has on you and your relationship. I know that is easier said than done when it comes to family relationships but ultimately your gf is going to have to either defend you to her family at some point (you could find that they are nore understanding than you thought) or you will have to break up. You can't continue in a secret relationship for the rest of your life and quite frankly you must be exhausted having done it for 3.5 years!

Does your girlfriend realistically see this as a long term relationship? Sorry if I sound harsh but this is a decision you and your gf will have to make together, I really don't see that you have a choice.

Reassure your gf that she is not alone when/if she confronts her family and reveals your relationship. You are with her as her equal all the way to answer any questions and defend the strength of your relationship. Does she have any siblings who could help cushion the blow (this should be great news, not a "blow", which is sad)?

The alternative is going your seperate ways and finding someone who would be proud to show you off.

Good luck xx

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