Should I give up on my marriage?

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Should I give up on my marriage?

Postby Lonelywife36 » Thu Feb 18, 2016 11:58 pm

Hi, I've been with my husband for 14 years and married for 10. We have a 7 year old son. I'm really unhappy and have been for some time now.
We haven't had sex for about three years, and we've been in seperate bedrooms for the last 18 months. We don't touch or hug or kiss. Not even a peck on the cheek. We don't argue but we often bicker about silly things, but generally we get on ok. I don't feel like I love him.

But he's in total denial and its easy for me to stay. I don't want to lose my son and don't want to take him from my husband, but I'm so unhappy and feel I need that physical touch of someone who loves me.

It's been so long now we're kind of in a habit of just saying goodnight and going to our seperate rooms. It's the norm now. I don't fancy him or love him but don't want to hurt my son.

Is it a lost cause or should I stick it out in the hope it'll get better and I'll rekindle some feelings for him?
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Re: Should I give up on my marriage?

Postby Mrconfused74 » Fri Feb 19, 2016 10:57 am

Was there a reason the sex stopped? If there was it could be the cause, you say you get on apart from bickering which all couples do, so it's just the affection that you're missing, which may be why you don't fancy your husband anymore! If you gave a bit more information it my well help.
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Re: Should I give up on my marriage?

Postby David020549 » Fri Feb 19, 2016 5:43 pm

Hold on a minute, on one hand you say "you don't love or fancy him", the next sentence says you want the "touch of someone who loves you". I do realize that it is not a nice situation living with someone that you don't love any more and there are plenty of couples who do that for convenience, indeed many would be having normal intimate relations to keep it together. Often that would be for the sake of the children, financial reasons or family issues, unless another partner is in view or one is having an affair it is fairly common.

So, why don't you love him any more?, did he have an affair, did you, was he violent or abusive, what put you off him or what put him off you. It sounds like that was sometime in the past, maybe you have even forgotten why and it has escalated beyond the initial issue.

It is always worth trying to rekindle affection while you are living in the same house as long as you are not fighting all the time and because of the fear of rejection it is easier just not to try a kiss or a hug and stay aloof. You have to get through that fear barrier, surprise him with a kiss or hug, curl up in his bed, don't pressure for any more I know it's not easy but it is your best bet.
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Re: Should I give up on my marriage?

Postby Lonelywife36 » Sat Feb 20, 2016 12:31 am

We have genuinely drifted apart. I don't think he's had an affair, and I haven't either. I could easily go into his room, or give him a kiss or hug. I really don't want to. The last six months of us having sex (before we stopped 3 years ago) I literally cried through the whole thing. I dreaded going to bed.

Now we're in seperate rooms it's easy to avoid any type of intimacy. It's taken the pressure off.

I would say that I'm staying for the sake of my child.
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Re: Should I give up on my marriage?

Postby Lonelywife36 » Sat Feb 20, 2016 12:33 am

The reason the sex stopped is because I didn't want him to touch me anymore. I asked him to stop, he did. That was that. Nothing more has been said or done about it since.
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Re: Should I give up on my marriage?

Postby Mrconfused74 » Sat Feb 20, 2016 2:24 am

In that case your marriage is practically over! If you feel that you will never find him attractive again it's unlikely things will change. Whilst your son is still young he may not pick up on the fact you sleep in different rooms but as he gets older he will, and ask questions. Staying together for the sake of a child can be healthy if you don't argue and carry on as normal. But eventual things will change, one of you may well meet someone else, and if your marriage is over except for the divorce then how will one of you react if this happens? How would you feel if your husband met another woman and it was clear he liked her, maybe even spent nights there? Do you think things at home would remain the same? If financially it's possible I would separate now. There doesn't seem any point dragging it out, as there doesn't seem any chance you will change your mind about how he makes you feel. But out of interest has he put on weight? Loss of hair, that's made you feel this. Would him working out or grooming make a difference? If not cut your losses, it may well be hard on your son now, but it will be worse if you argue constantly and he sees that. It may well be an amicable break and things will be fine. But you need to tell him how you feel, if not face to face, write a letter, but do it soon. If it goes on too long it could turn nasty.
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Re: Should I give up on my marriage?

Postby David020549 » Sat Feb 20, 2016 8:13 am

I understand why you want to stay for the sake of your son, if your husband is a good father it makes a big difference to the development of a boy, having a mentor or role model is important. You are sacrificing yourself but it is what mothers often do, don't worry about your son commenting about separate rooms just say he snores, to help your own morale get a regular outside activity to at least give you some respite.

If you do leave, finding a regular boyfriend or husband is not a foregone conclusion, there is plenty of casual sex to be had but that will probably make you feel worse. As you chose to stop intimacy and he has not had an affair or left I would bet that he still loves you, although he probably would not admit it, in your situation most women would choose to make the sacrifice and stay until the kids are independent.
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Re: Should I give up on my marriage?

Postby Lonelywife36 » Sat Feb 20, 2016 8:29 am

Wow, two totally contrasting responses which echo the turmoil going on in my head every day. I can continue to pretend at home, my son knows that we're in seperate rooms and he's mentioned it to his school teacher (that was an embarrassing conversation with his teacher).

I do worry that we're not giving him the example of a living, caring marriage and that he'll end up in the same pickle because he thinks is normal.
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Re: Should I give up on my marriage?

Postby Lonelywife36 » Sat Feb 20, 2016 8:37 am

He's put on a bit of weight and lost some hair, nothing significant. I think the main thing is that I've realised that he's "fitting in" in all his social circles and I fell for a pretend person. It's difficult to explain. If you were to meet him, you'd like him. Everyone does and he's very easy to get on with. That's because he moulds himself to whatever situation he's in. But what that actually means is that I see a load of different people in him, and don't know who the real one is.

I spoke to him about this and he's seen a councillor (it's a recognised thing for people, particularly men, who went to boarding school) but he stopped the councillor and the pretending has carried on.
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Re: Should I give up on my marriage?

Postby Mrconfused74 » Sat Feb 20, 2016 12:02 pm

On the one hand he has been like that for a long time so you must have accepted it for a number of years, has he just changed completely? That he's no longer the man you fell in love with? That would answer a lot, but it does seem like
He needs help, but if he did change could you fancy him again? People do change their behaviour to fit in some circles usually at work, but are normal around friends and family if he's doing it in every case then it's possible he has different personas which must be tough for him to handle.
What I do know is if you had no feelings for him you'd be gone, but writing here you still care, so I would suggest talking or writing to him, telling him how you feel, and asking what he wants, is he happy living this way? Will he try changing so he can be that man you live again? Then go from there.
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Re: Should I give up on my marriage?

Postby David020549 » Sun Feb 21, 2016 8:08 am

A 7 yr olds teacher commenting on his parents sleeping arrangements is surely going beyond the call of duty. As it happens my youngest daughter and her husband sleep separately - because he snores!, as it happens they have 4 kids I must warn her that teachers take an interest in parents private arrangements. It should not have been embarrassing my daughter Liz would have told the teacher to sod off in no uncertain terms, and I think you are making far too much of it.

Councilors and boarding school was mentioned I did not go to boarding school but know some who did and a good percentage became councillors or involved with other well meaning organizations and charities. Fee paying schools are much better in training kids to be polite , helpful, considerate adults who are encouraged to show leadership and teamwork. Above all boarding school means "Old Money" they are beyond the means of all but the wealthy so I guess you are not short of cash but have a bland, directionless, nice guy husband, living with him is as exciting as wading through custard and it has worn you down. What is his family like?, do they still have money it could make a difference deciding to stay or leave.

Cutting back to your very first post your feelings for hubby have gone and you long for an intimate relationship, that I understand, many women your age ( mid to late 30s ? ) would find a discrete lover and carry on. I don't think you have much to gain by leaving him, you still won't have the intimacy you want and maybe a lot less security, so think long and hard before leaving.
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Re: Should I give up on my marriage?

Postby Mrconfused74 » Sun Feb 21, 2016 9:58 am

Lonelywife36 wrote:I do worry that we're not giving him the example of a living, caring marriage and that he'll end up in the same pickle because he thinks is normal.



This is a possibility, they do say children pick up on the behaviour of their parents and can take this to later life. That's not to say your son won't turn into a decent living husband, but he will notice things, and he has talked about it. But as he gets older the questions will start to come, why hasn't dad done anything about his snoring? He may also notice a lack of intimacy especially if he sees it from other couples. And as I said before they is likely going to be a time when you or your husband will miss sex and you may well find another partner.
You could begin to resent your husband, why should you be the one to leave? Why can't he just be the way he was when you met? And that's when tensions could build. Money, security and a great father as a role model are great reasons to stay together, but if your not happy, and things get worse your son will notice, and this could be worse than separating now.
Have you spoken to your husband about things? Or do you both just ignore it!
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Re: Should I give up on my marriage?

Postby Tarantula » Sun Feb 21, 2016 10:12 am

I'm going to jump in with the hopelessly naive, optimistic input.

Marriage means life. Life. A lifetime partnership. Not a, until the sex stops being fun partnership. Not a, until we're sleeping in different rooms partnership. Not a, until I just not feeling it no more partnership - life. In my mind, only two things can renege - abuse or cheating. Otherwise, you took a vow, you gotta explore every possible option and solution before you quit. A dabble in counselling some time ago isn't enough. Show some grit! :D

Obviously you two aren't communicating what's really on your mind. Why did the sex become unbearable for you? Was it triggering?

It sounds like you've lost respect (and therefore attraction) for him because he isn't assertive in social situations and maybe you see him as a bit of a pushover. But try to remember why you committed your life to this relationship in the first place. I know that people change, and reasons change, but at the core there must be something worthwhile, or you wouldn't have gone through with it... unless you're saying the whole thing was a mistake.

Why don't you want to reach out to him affectionately? Have you also put on weight/become insecure in your appearance? Are you waiting for him to make you feel better about yourself?

I have no idea, I'm just throwing ideas out there. Generally the quality of a relationship depends on the happiness/esteem level of both partners, so, have you been neglecting anything else in your life - or are you kicking backside in every other department, living your dreams, have a full and fun social life, and it really is just this relationship that's bringing you down? If it's not just the marriage, and everything just feels a bit grey and bleak and dull then maybe there are seemingly external contributing factors - and on his side as well, same questions.

It is a given that people gonna get old and bald and probably fat and unattractive and cut their hair short. That's why personality is what matters for a lifetime commitment. So again, what is it about him you like/liked? Perhaps your attitude needs to adjust from fault-finding to appreciating. The grass always looks greener from the other side, but don't forget that he also made a commitment to be with you always and, provided he hasn't betrayed that, it means he also is hoping for a better change.

Don't jail him with your judgements from yesterday. There's obviously stuff he ain't telling you about what's going on for him internally. Someone has to open up and share.
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Re: Should I give up on my marriage?

Postby Lonelywife36 » Mon Feb 22, 2016 7:07 pm

Thank you all for your replies.

I do care about him, I don't want to see him hurt. Surely he can't be happy with the current situation either though. I know the answer is to talk to him, but it's just so hard now.

Yes, I know that marriage is for life. When I married him o had no doubts in my mind at all. I've been in this situation with him now for three years, I think I've shown grit and I've tried to make it work. If I decide to seperate I wouldn't be making that decision lightly. Which is why I'm trying to get other people's views on it.
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Re: Should I give up on my marriage?

Postby Mrconfused74 » Mon Feb 22, 2016 7:33 pm

Then write it down, this way you can take time over what you want to say, and tell him you've written him a letter saying how you feel as you want to sort things out.
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