Hurt again

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Hurt again

Postby LongTallElly » Fri Feb 26, 2016 10:38 pm

Hi everyone. I was on this forum a few years ago when my husband left me with a 6 month old baby and a 3-year old toddler and in the middle of a post natal depression. These last 3 years I have remained standing (sometimes barely) and am doing well in my job, with my kids and have some amazing friends and family. I have been OK most of the time, every day a bit better, you know, and enjoy life, but in my lonely hours, when the kids are with their dad and I am home on my own I have struggled with what has all happened and how desperately lonely I felt. I have been alone these past 3 years, I've dated, some casual flings, but they all just made me feel empty and alone. Then just over 2 months ago, I met this man, and he was lovely. Scarred as I am, I was afraid, but his gentleness was slowly but steadily winning me over. He is divorced as well. His wife had an affair. He was interested in me, how I was feeling, considerate of the hurt that had been caused in the past, sweet, funny, keen without it being being oppressive. He would bring me flowers, cook for me, pick up on my moods, support me, and as a surprise took me for a lovely weekend to Brighton for my birthday a month ago (this might make it sound like it was a sort of carer-patient situation, but it wasn't, just fun, silly, and serious at the right times). And my defences were crumbling. Somewhere deep inside I started to believe this could be something, that there was somebody who saw something beautiful in me and wanted to bring it out. Over half term I was away with my kids visiting family, which had been arranged before I met him. We texted or facetimed every day, like we had previously, sometimes a lot, sometimes a bit less, depending on whether he was working or I had plans. Last Saturday when I was travelling back he texted me: "really looking forward to seeing you, sending you a massive bear hug". Everything was normal on Sunday and Monday but Tuesday he didn't respond to a text I had seny asking whether he had time for a facetime. The next day I asked whether he was OK. He texted me saying he was rushed off his feet. It was a normal, friendly, typical text, ending with: How's your day going? xxx. I replied in the same fashion and asked again if he had, by any chance time for a facetime that week. Since then I have not heard anything. We are supposed to spend the weekend together and because of that I tried to ring him today, but he is not answering his phone or my text. My instinct tells me he is ghosting me, although I can't work out why. Sure, you can decide you don't like somebody anymore, and lots of people are too cowardly to tell somebody, but it really doesn't make sense to me after his previous behaviour, why? Unfortunately, this second hurt after finally letting somebody in, is hitting me extremely hard. I had a tough week, I had an important presentation at work, my ex told me he is having another baby and it was my wedding day. I have no idea what to do with myself. I go from being utterly distraught to angry to panic. How the hell do I ever trust anybody ever again? I don't want to be alone the rest of my life, I don't want to be hurt again. I know where he lives and who his friends are. Do I go and see him, to check he is OK or because he at least owes me an conversation? Is that stalker or needy behaviour or is that my lack of selfesteem talking, and would that be normal? Any advice would be great, because right at this minute, I feel so unbelievably low, it is scaring me....
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Re: Hurt again

Postby snail » Sat Feb 27, 2016 8:35 am

Hi Elly

How are you this morning? Did you hear from him at all? No, I wouldn't go to see him - you've tried ringing and texting. Unfortunately you'll have to wait a bit longer; I'm sure you will hear one way or the other.

Have a PP grouphug :grouphug:
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Re: Hurt again

Postby LongTallElly » Sat Feb 27, 2016 9:26 am

Hi Snail,
Thank you for your replay, I am alright, I guess, lots of nervous energy, I was up at the crack of dawn, although I haven't slept very well this week (partly because of him, partly because of poorly children), which is a clear sign I am stressed and worried. Really, you think I should not go and see him? In my mind, either he is not OK, or he is ghosting me. In the first case (unlikely I know) I would like to know and, who knows, help? In the latter case, what does it matter anymore what I do or don't do? I am of course somehow trying to convince myself that only if I had answers, I would feel better, but I really would like to understand why that is not a good idea? X
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Re: Hurt again

Postby LongTallElly » Sat Feb 27, 2016 11:03 am

A little update. He just texted me, saying that he had been thinking all week about what he wanted and knows he really wants a child of his own and that my situation (already 2 kids, not likely to have another, still in touch with the ex because of said kids) was hard for him to deal with. IT was a nice text and he apologised for being silent and causing me pain. I am glad I at least know what is going on, but of course very sad. He was lovely and I had an amazing time, so very sorry that it is over, but at least I know now, that already feels better. Onwards and upwards, I guess.
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Re: Hurt again

Postby snail » Sat Feb 27, 2016 12:09 pm

I meant that if he had a family emergency or anything like that, going round to see him in an angry or very upset way could jeopardise the relationship.

I'm so sorry to hear what happened. Those sorts of issues are really difficult. At least you know that he cared for you and respected you.
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Re: Hurt again

Postby LongTallElly » Mon Feb 29, 2016 9:22 am

Thanks Snail, and yes you are right. Well, I have had the most awful weekend. I can't work out why this is hitting me so hard. I worked out we say eachother a total of 6 times. I hadn't even worked out if this man was a long term thing for me. Yes, I was enjoying myself and making little plans for weekends away, but I couldn't picture him living with me and being part of my life. Why would I, we were together such a short time. But why is it hitting me so hard? I am not eating, not sleeping, need to distract myself constantly, because otherwise I end in this mood of utter despair and I can't understand myself. I have wondered whether it is the fact that after several years of coping, being functional, being a mum, a manager, a friend, a daughter, a housekeeper, taxi driver, and general organiser of everything, it was a time of joy, of me, of fun. The life before was good, and I know I am very lucky, but my goodness, I do not want to go back to that now I've tasted this. Maybe that is what the despair is about. Right, more distraction coming up in the form of work.
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Re: Hurt again

Postby johnay » Mon Feb 29, 2016 9:53 pm

Hi maybe you have got to the stage in your life where you were just so ready to move on. Time had passed on from the breakup of your marriage and you were just ready to be involved with another person. He made you feel vital and treated you properly in a way that made you feel comfortable and attractive. We all want in the end to be wanted and treated decently by a partner. You relaxed your defences from the hurt of your past experiences and your confidence was being built. I daresay you felt attractive and sexy and desired again. It's hard then that that euphoric feeling has come to an abrupt end. What's surprising me is that you haven't indicated whether you both had a discussion about having children and whether he has just assumed you wouldn't want any more. Neither of you can remove the fact that you've been married before so that seems a funny reason to end it.. He seems to be panicking a bit to me as though he might have got cold feet. Is it not possible to meet and have a more frank discussion about everything? Or do you feel that it has ended full stop? It seems a shame from the way you've put it to just let it go without a bit of a fight. I hope youre not feeling too down as its hard to feel rejected...Chin up though as were all wishing you well
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Re: Hurt again

Postby LongTallElly » Tue Mar 01, 2016 8:34 am

Thank you Johnay, I have been wondering the same thing. Did I let it go without a fight. I was so raw by the time he finally sent that message, and I wanted to be nice and thank him without being so emotional, so maybe I should have asked for a conversation. After his first message where he broke up with me, he sent one saying I am awesome and beautiful and I will find happiness just because I am me, and then sent me the pictures he took on our weekend away, ending with, what a weekend that was! To me that makes it clear he is struggling with it too,. I answered about how he made me feel special and what an awesome person he is, but he didn't reply to that. Now a few days later, I am struggling alot with not having a conversation with him, and you are not the first who has asked me whether I think it is really over, and suggested I should ask him perhaps if he thinks he is making the right decision. See, that is where I struggle. I clearly liked him a lot, perhaps more than I thought. The way I am reacting (still not eating and sleeping properly) has puzzled me and as I said before made me wonder whether that was just some old hurt resurfacing, but I am not sure. As I said in my previous post, we felt very comfortable with eachother immediately, it felt right. He was the same, and making little plans, he said he wanted me to show him around Holland where I'm from, telling his friends about me and generally walking around with a goofy smile on his face. I know he wants a child of his own and no, he never asked me about whether I would consider that, but I think you do not give up on something that feels so right, so quickly. Basically what I am asking is: Is the fact I am feeling so bad after something so short a sign that I should not let it go without at least trying once more? X
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Re: Hurt again

Postby Mrconfused74 » Tue Mar 01, 2016 10:50 am

If you haven't talked about having kids of your own it does seem like a strange thing to say. It could well be that he doesn't feel he could bring up someone else's children as well as his own with you. Also the fact that your ex will likely be around due to having contact with his kids, and he just can't handle that, he may feel that while you have that connection with your ex there will always be a chance you may still have feelings for him. There are so many reasons why he's come to this decision, but the only thing you can do is ask, from what you say you were both happy and enjoyed each other's company. Even if he decides he can't do it having that discussion with you might make you feel better. while there's unanswered questions you will wonder if it's you that was the problem and so be worried an stress that it'll be like this from now on. so ask to speak to him, tell him you need to understand what it is that went wrong!
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Re: Hurt again

Postby johnay » Tue Mar 01, 2016 11:11 am

Hi Elly , it sounds to me like he has felt like you over these last few weeks and is perhaps struggling with the emotions he has felt and is now feeling. All the signs are that you could and should make a great couple. He was making plans with you and thinking about the future. I'm guessing he's getting cold feet because he doesn't feel in control and is a little frightened especially if he was hurt badly like yourself in a previous relationship. If he's a sensitive guy and there are a number of us about maybe he's scared he will hurt you if it all doesn't turn out well. We all get panicky at times when we feel extremely emotional. That early infatuation we get when we meet someone new that we get on really well with is often more intense the older we get too.
I would be tempted to email him a proper message.. I doubt a text would do as you may need to say a number of points.. I would make a polite request for a chance to talk to him. I would make a list of all the great things about what the two of you have already.You've mentioned loads of positives in your last post. I would tell him that if you have a future together what you would like out of it and be honest about having a child with him. If you would be happy to have his child then tell him. Don't be shy about that one and remember another child can be a great blessing and special bond in a loving relationship. Remind him that any relationship is a gamble but tell him that you are prepared to take that gamble and work as hard as hell to make it work. You might not get anything out of your message but at least you will know that you have tried and won't have any regrets down the line.
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Re: Hurt again

Postby LongTallElly » Wed Mar 02, 2016 7:22 pm

Thanks Johnay and MrConfused, I am still mulling, thinking, going through these ridiculous ups and downs. Man, I am a sad little thing. Yesterday morning, I was all for getting in touch. I had had a few signs you see. That morning, I got in the car and heard our favourite song, I realised I was wearing the exact clothes as on our first date, I parked my car at work and saw I parked it behind a blue mini (his car) and then the first person I saw is one of our technicians, who has the same name as him (not a very common one). The universe was telling me I should get in touch. Then, that evening, I was convinced that would be the saddest, most embarrassing thing, and I was thinking I am perhaps more sad about the fun and attention stopping than about him? Then today, I am having a bad day and I decided to look back at our texts. Only a week or so ago he is talking about making it extra special when we meet up again because I was in Holland on Valentine's day and in a matter of days it has all changed. I also saw he changed his picture on Match (that's where we met), I just noticed it on the record of our messages, I haven't looked at his profile, he would see that. It is a nice picture, but he doesn't look happy, almost angry. I am definitely reaching here, but that is then again the response to the shock of seeing him get back on the horse again so quickly. Anyway, how normal is it really to get in touch again after someone breaks up with you? Is it romantic (he is a romantic, love actually is his favourite film) or sad and annoying, and shouldn't I at least give him some time to miss me, contemplate, and at the same time, let some of the hurt for me wear off? I would afterall be asking a hell of a lot, for him to get into that weird life of mine, not to mention that because I am 39, it is actually quite unlikely I'll ever have another child (you know, I would have to know him a lot longer that 2 months to even attempt one!), he is 38. God, I am driving myself mental!
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