Should I leave my husband of just over 10 years?

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Should I leave my husband of just over 10 years?

Postby Dragonflylover » Wed Apr 20, 2016 2:17 pm

Hi, I am 39 and my husband is 55. We have been married just over 10 years, but together for 18. I am begining to wonder wether I really loved him or wether it was just infactuation. When I met him he was an instructor in the military and I was a recruit. He was married at the time and has 2 children (now 19 and 20 - who we see reasonably regularly) he/we had an affair to start with, then left his ex for me when she found out about a year on. We don't have any children, which had been an issue, but it is in the past now. There have been times that I have left him for a couple of weeks in the past, but then came back (I used to go to my parents). I have followed him through out his military career, I left the military in 98.I qualified as a children's nurse in 2004. He left the military in 2008 and we moved to Scotland. Unfortunatley for me my dad died 6 years ago (My parent's moved to Spain to retire and dad passed away just over a week after going out there) and my mum died of cancer and bronchectisis about 2 and a half years ago. Before she died my mum asked me if I thought my husband was a good companion (no) and makes me laugh (sometimes). She asked My husband before she died that since he had left the military and had a career, she felt that it was time for him to put my career first! He said that because he was older it would be harder for him to find employment, which I understood. My nursing career came to a stand still and I stopped nursing between Aug 2008 and now. In 2013 I did my nursing conversion training 2013 -Sept 2015) I started the training 2 weeks after mum died.

The last 2 years have been awful for me. Near the end of my conversion training a had to report a friend for cheating - forging signatures in her official paperwork and from that point I just realised things were wrong! The 2 lecturers who supported me were great as the friend was known to have a temper were great. I became very nervous and worried because of this but my husband just kept joking about it and his mickey taking really began to hurt, even though I told him I felt it was undermining my confidence.I just feel unsupported and I have become very unintersted in him, I still like him, but I don't love him.In July I became very depressed and it took effort and pushing from the lectures to get to the end of the course. My depression got worse and I just kept seeming to get more exaperated with my husband, he won't help tidy, kept asking favours of me, he knew some thing was wrong but accussed me of having an affair with someone else! People say I am lucky as he Irons and brings me a coffee in the mornings. In september I became so "unwell" that I tried to over dose. I was unwell the next day so the GP refered me to the mental health team I saw a psychiatrist for a while who said I needed to be more assertive in our relationship to be fair to my husband. I told him what I did a couple of days later, then a couple of weeks later he says he needed to talk to me he doesn't know how to help me if I can't talk to him and that he kept having nightmares about finding me dead, and he thought about leaving me - I wish he had.He is in control of our relationship. I didn't invite him to our graduation ball in Nov and that night was the happiest I have been in a long time. I bumped into one of the lecturers again and they told me life is too short to be unhappy, but I can't and won't tell you what to do. Although feels it would be best for me to go.

I have been "better" over the last 6 months, but still have urges to leave my husband. Some days I think I can hack it and others I can't. I am back in nursing job which I love. The thing is I have still have sex with my husband and just keep rolling along with this relationship I think that may be what I have is good and this is what marriage is like and should just grow up and tolerate it. There have been points in the last 6 months when he realised things are wrong and I told him that I don't think I love him anymore, but that's as far as I have got. My assertiveness has never got me to the point of telling him I want to go. previously when things went wrong I wrote a dear John letter and went to my parents. I never lived alone, I am I just scared of making the break? and can no longer go to my parent's for help.

Any advice please.
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Re: Should I leave my husband of just over 10 years?

Postby David020549 » Thu Apr 21, 2016 6:58 am

Your lecturer friend was right " life is too short to be unhappy" and at 39 you are young enough either to live independently or start again with another partner. Your husband is confident, assertive and like most of us men lacking emotion, his typical military banter and mickey taking has worn thin but all those characteristics attracted you to him in the past. You have separated several times but don't feel confident enough on your own and end up going back, so even if you are unsure about loving him he is the rock that makes you feel secure, there are a great many women who would like their marriage to be better or different but are not confident enough to go go it alone, just like you.
Your nursing carreer is just beginning, you have not become established in the hierarchy or formed any firm relationships so I would suggest that now is not the time to split with your husband. Throw yourself wholeheartedly into nursing, your confidence will grow, when you can afford somewhere decent to live that is the time to decide wether you want to stay or really want to leave. From what you say it sounds like he treats you well, tolerates you leaving and returning and you have not mentioned him cheating, you could do worse, the devil you know is better than the devil you don't.
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Re: Should I leave my husband of just over 10 years?

Postby johnay » Sat Apr 23, 2016 8:51 am

Hi it sounds like you are at a crossroads in your life just now. It can take a while to adjust to the death of your second parent and you are realising that you don't have that backup and support if you do decide to move on from your marriage. I think if you decide you want to go this time then make sure that's it. You've left before and returned and maybe your husband feels like you will always follow this pattern.
I'm not surprised he is a confident and more dominant type of man because he had all that military training and that's what they are conditioned to be like. I would expect you knew that when you first got with him and maybe that was a major attraction back then. He's also older than you and used to being in charge.. It's easy to enjoy the security marriage and that type of partner can give you but equally you are a person in your own right. If you stay you need to do a number of things I would guess. Firstly you need to crack on with your career and you need to tell him that he needs to support you properly in this. Expect support from him and tell him if you feel you aren't getting it. Be blunt but nice. Some folks don't always read what others are feeling and need to be told. You need to to do this because you unlike him have a much longer working life ahead of you than he does and you need to build up a pension and financial security in your own right. I say this because in reality you may outlive him by many years and he owes it to you for your own financial security. The other thing is you need to tell him when you aren't feeling good and tell him if his comments aren't appropriate. Some folks don't get it when they are too much or lack empathy. The other thing is that you need to get out more on your own it seems reading between the lines. You have the right to your own friends and social life. You experienced a big high on that night out on your own. Going out will build your confidence and will boost your well being.
If life with your husband is too much though then move on. Yes it will be hard but it would be hard at any age but you have time on your side to build something good. Once you approach 50 or 60 then separation can be difficult financially without you having the years to rebuild.
Many women in my experience really come into their own career wise in their 40s so you can have a good future. Good luck with whatever pathway you choose..
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