My husband doesn’t drive (or cook)

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My husband doesn’t drive (or cook)

Postby MrExposition » Thu May 26, 2016 9:39 pm

My loving husband has one flaw: he doesn’t have a driver’s licence. He can drive and knows how to drive. He is American and had an American driver’s licence but immigrated here to the UK nearly 20 years ago but never took his test here, so he only has a provisional licence. His USA licence has since expired, so he can’t drive when we visit his native land or go on holidays either. Any attempts by him have been half-hearted. He has wasted money on several theory tests and hasn’t even bothered researching which driving instructor to use to brush up for the practical. He uses every excuse under the sun not to do it.

He did own a car a few years ago and he’d drive around with L plates and me supervising. The car was written off in a car accident (me driving) and we didn’t replace it because we live in central London, so he didn’t bother getting his licence. Since then, whilst there has been no incentive for him to drive in the UK, when visiting the USA or go on other holidays I have to do all the driving! We are now in the process of selling our home and moving to the country, and he acknowledges that we need a car and that it’s not fair that the driving falls to me only. Yet, in the last few months, he has taken the theory test twice and failed due to lack of revision, booked a third attempt but didn’t bother going, and now I have paid for his fourth attempt this weekend but he has done no revision. It’s not as if he failed and then quickly booked his next attempt; months passed and required me to nag him to do it again. He claims that he has made the effort by attempting the test, but it doesn’t occur to him that he needs to do the revision. He never revises even after I’ve bought him the highway code book and offered to help him. It is the only thing in our relationship causing me stress and anguish. And like I say, he hasn’t even bothered to look into the practical element at all. He thinks I am blowing the fact that he can’t drive out of proportion because my only point of complaint is that I’ve had to do all the driving on recent trips away and therefore it’s “not that bad”. It doesn’t occur to him that I am planning ahead for our future and he is wasting opportunities to get this done.

I thought we’d turned a corner when he recently started a new job that gives him a car allowance. He started dreaming of which car he wanted to lease and how he wanted it customised. Finally, he seemed to show willing. Anything to get him learning, I thought. Alas, he has since indicated that it would save a lot of money if we lease it through me as his partner rather than through him as the benefit owner, especially if he doesn’t get his licence in time. It sounds to me like he is looking for another excuse to get himself off the hook again. We are now in a period of time where it is impossible that he will have his licence by the time we move house.

Without going off on a tangent too much, there is another thing in our relationship that he doesn’t pull his weight with and that is cooking. He never cooks, and will wait sometimes hours for me to get home from work and the gym before asking me what’s for dinner and expecting me to cook or make the decision to order a takeaway. He will never learn to cook and has admitted as much, but he does say he wants his driver’s licence, not because I nag him but because he genuinely does feel bad about himself that he can’t drive independently if he wants to. But there is no evidence that he wants to make the effort. In his world, if he can get to work by public transport and get his meals by ordering takeaways or going to restaurants, then he doesn’t need to get behind the wheel of a car or set foot in a supermarket.

He has no family in this country but I do, and he is of the attitude that if we drive to see my family then I should do the driving because they are my relatives. I’ve given up on getting him to cook, but he needs to drive - I'm not willing to compromise on that as well. I have tried to be supportive and helpful and kind about it, but it has been going on for years. I don’t think it’s right that I continue to be lenient with him on this. But what more can I do?

In case it is relevant, we are two gay guys.
MrExposition
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Re: My husband doesn’t drive (or cook)

Postby David020549 » Sat May 28, 2016 6:55 am

I know several couples where one either dislikes or doesn't drive , they seem to manage fine using public transport or a bike it shouldn't be an issue and if he is not confident then better not to drive.
If you are a gay couple from the big city don't dream of a little thatched cottage and move into the country, you will hate it, conservative attitudes, lack of facilities and transport problems will soon be a real irritation. I can understand you wanting a change from central London, maybe Oxford or a similar large town with good public transport and entertainment facilities would be a much better.
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