Need to find strength to go.........

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Need to find strength to go.........

Postby Trevaskiss » Tue Jun 28, 2016 3:19 pm

Hi all

I could really do with some help here! And I will apologise if this is a long one!

Over a year ago, I first wrote on this forum about my partner who had trust issues with me after I’d sent and deleted several messages on Facebook to a friends husband. Those who may remember it, this friend of mine knew that I had a flirty nature and had no problem at all with me having a laugh with her husband as she knew that I wasn’t going to take it any further. I apologised till I was blue in the teeth about it, but every time we had an argument, this kept coming up.

Fast forward a year, and many many arguments later! Having realised the kind of man he was, I was very careful what I told him about my past as I’d already divulged far too much information (having relationships with both men and women – not at the same time I might add). So when things came up, I didn’t tell him the truth as I knew how he felt about these sort of things and even though it was in my past, I still didn’t think he needed to know.

Eventually though, the lying caught up with me and after he tricked me a few times with questions, I had to confess to lying to him about it all – which he absolutely hates and makes him really angry. Thing is, when he gets angry he sees red and it can get quite messy. Sadly I got into a pit of lying to him as I knew certain things he just wouldn’t like at all, so I guess I was protecting both him and myself. Although that’s not how he sees it – and he says that he truly cannot trust me any more. It was important things to him like how many people I’d slept with (I have a colourful past) and how many I’d cheated on (which when I was younger, was a few, but that changed as I got older) and worse, that I’d slept with a married man. I know I lied about all this, but I had to – I knew I’d lose him otherwise. Not the right move now I know.

Last April, I re-located my life 200 miles away for him. He hated my old flat and didn't like the town I was born and bought up in, and so we rented a nice cottage in the countryside. Eventually I lost contact with most of my friends.

At first I could deal with it, when I started a new job he would question me about it every day, question who the people were and who was my best friend etc. When we had arguments, he would text me and demand an answer straight away which was always difficult when you’re at work – especially a new job. Anyway, I lost this particular job due to ‘over use of my phone’, and when I told him, he went mad and told me that I must have been texting someone else as it wasn’t him. I’ve lost two other jobs due to this as the arguing and mental abuse I get from him over my past, my lying and the way I treat him has gotten much worse.

Rewind to Easter this year, my Dad came to visit with his ladyfriend. My parther doesn’t like my Dad at all, and made a point of staying out the way most of the time they were here. On the Saturday, we went out and one of my partners friends was there. Now I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it, but my partner had a right go at me when we got home as he told me I was being inappropriate with his mate and that I must want to f*** him!! Absolutely not, I’d had a drink and I was having a laugh with him, didn’t think I was being inappropriate at all. My partner ends up in a hotel the following night as it also resulted in a row between him and my Dad! Also, almost resulted in me leaving to go back with my Dad.

Fast forward again to about a month ago and I lost my job again (due to stress of my relationship situation and not being able to keep the job flowing properly), and this time he said that maybe it was a good time for me to move back to my family again as I didn’t have a job here to keep me any more. After a rather nasty row (where he called me all sorts of names under the sun), I waited till he had gone out and I packed a huge suitcase, put as much of my belongings in it as I could and got a hotel for the night before getting a coach back to London. I completely ignored the phone even though he sent me over 50 text messages and phoned me god knows how many times. The following day I switched off my phone as I know he would have tried to persuade me to come back and that’s what I didn’t want. I only switched the phone on again once I’d got to London and by that time I knew that all I had to do was arrange for someone to go up again and get the rest of my belongings for me. Of course, now he goes on about me sleeping with someone else the night before I left and that I am lying about that - when I'm not.

Even though my Dad has an over crowded house due to his partners family still living there, I felt more relaxed than I’d felt in absolutely ages.

Anyway, he gets on the phone and that’s it, he starts crying, starts telling me how sorry he is and that he’s treated me bad etc. I know I’ve treated him bad too, so I apologise and we chat for hours. I agree to come back, but we both had conditions. I wouldn’t lie any more and he wouldn’t keep bringing up my past or getting snappy with me every five minutes. Dad is understandably upset and worried about me as it has been verbally and mentally abusive relationship.

He drove 200 miles to come and get me and then we stopped in a hotel on the way home as it would have been a long drive for him. At first I felt good about coming back, but the next day when we were back home and I was far away from friends and family, I just felt so so low and I was wondering if I’d made the right decision.

At the weekend, we went out for a lovely day out and when we got home he mentioned us relocating again – even further away. I was honest with him and told him I wasn’t ready for that as I felt our relationship needed to be much much stronger before we could do that. I also admitted that I felt different about him now to how I used to feel and that I’m not sure if it could ever be repaired. He told me it could if I stopped lying, but I said that won’t help how I feel.

We agreed to separate and I told him I’d get a few more weeks work under my belt (I’m temping), and then I’d move back down to Dads, but I’d get a man and van or someone to come get me so I could get all my stuff out and not have to come back. This morning he said that he’d go away for a few days and let me sort it out. Then when I’m starting work, I get a text saying that we should try and save our relationship and that he never means to hurt me and he loves me etc etc and that breaking up is not going to help either of us while we are both suffering with depression.

This was the kind of talk that made me come back each time I tried to leave, the kind of talk that pulls on my heart strings. I do love him, but the dynamics have changed and I cannot relax properly when I’m with him. And I don’t feel like I’m ‘in love’ with him any more. I’ve agreed (again) to stay which has again annoyed my Dad and my best mate as I’ve got a few others involved now as they were going to be driving here to come get me. I guess I’ve lied to him again telling him that I do want to work it out and be with him and make a proper go of it.

When we are good, we have some amazing times together, but sadly the bad outweighs the good and a lot of people I know, don’t like him now as they know what it’s doing to me mentally and physically. I’ve lost tons of weight and now look really ill. My depression has come back, but I just don’t know what to do to make the break with him and not have him try to stop me as he has done in the past.

I truly truly don’t’ know what to do – I just know that being back at my Dads for a while will help me a lot. Work wise would be easy as he’s near London. I had it planned out too, stay there for a time, get a job, save up and then go into lodgings for a year or two and just keep saving so I can get a flat/house of my own.

I’m considering the doctor to go on Anti depressants, even though he’s dead against that, but I need to start thinking about my own health.

Really don’t know what to do.
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Re: Need to find strength to go.........

Postby Tarantula » Tue Jun 28, 2016 3:47 pm

First of all, I really, really, REALLY feel where you're at right now. It's easy to tell you, objectively, what the best course of action is. Do I need to say it? You know, I know, your friends and family know, Facebook knows.

I also know just how difficult it is to pull yourself away when a person has such a strong hold on you. And how hard it is to stick to your resolve when you're getting those calls and messages promising change and reconciliation and a happy ending - a return on all the investment you've made in him and this relationship.

But it isn't going to get any better. Don't waste your life. You can NEVER get this time back!

I was understanding his viewpoint too, until it got past the point of him 'seeing red' and losing control and being non-responsive to rational reason or reassurance. I find it incredibly difficult to trust that people are genuine in what they say - and I am also quite jealous. I want to stop thinking certain things, as I know it doesn't make sense. But the truth is, I'm so terrified of being abandoned or betrayed that even the SLIGHTEST WHIFF of that can drive me mad, chipping away at my logical grasp of things and making me feel altogether a bit cray cray. So I do get his side too.

But I can tell you now, HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. His trust issues are between him and his past, and they are never going to improve whilst you're around.

Look at it this way: if you really love him, then let him go, let him go through the pain of separation - then he's more likely to address the real issues. Every time you go back, you're providing a comforting blanket that prevents him from facing reality. Breaking up is in BOTH your benefit.

Plus by this stage, I think you're nearly ready to let it go for good. I can hear it in your writing. You're tired. You're so very exhausted. Perhaps you feel guilty for wanting to let go, as if that means you don't really care. But as I said, it's better for him too if you leave - he won't be able to see it yet, but in time, you would both come to realise that the relationship was doomed to fail.

As for you, you need time and space to ask yourself some hard questions about why you got so caught up in this in the first place. I'm sure you never meant to end up in this position. Somewhere along the line, you stopped caring about YOU, and put him/the relationship first. You didn't keep your boundaries and ended up mentally exhausted. Now you need to get those healthy boundaries back up and running.

He shouldn't be desperately texting and calling when you go. If he really respected you, he'd respect that you need distance to process everything you're feeling. But he's more interested in preserving his own hurt childlike ego, of course.

No amount of love, reassurance or declarations of a better future would make him trust you. Trust, if it was ever there to begin with, has long since left the building. This is, admittedly, partly your own doing.

But it's not about who's right or wrong. It's about the fact that you're now losing your shi' over this situation, and it's costing you your health, your career, your RESPECT from others. Make no mistake, they are bashing their heads against a brick wall trying to get you to leave, ready to jump in and support you.

Don't let them down, don't let yourself down. Deep down you already know all this.

I really want you to read back on this post in a year from a much higher place! I want to to cringe a little bit at how much you put up with, and feel sure that you will NEVER go back to such a damaging situation again. His issues are HIS responsibility. You have to start doin' you.

You know what you need to do. You already have all the answers.
You know what to do.

PS - I got out of my similar situation eventually, after going back and forth 100 times whenever he inevitably called and text. I would think 'oh he must really love me after all', only for things to go back to normal as soon as I went back. Now I see it all so clearly. And btw, he hasn't exactly dropped dead. Life has gone on for him too, and the results we've both had since the breakup, have reflected our characters accordingly. Which is the fancy way of saying: karma is real and fair and works in the present. I'm much happier now with someone who treats me completely differently, and it never could've happened if I'd stayed there. I shudder to think where I would be now.
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Re: Need to find strength to go.........

Postby johnay » Tue Jun 28, 2016 5:15 pm

Hi I'm sorry to read that you have suffered so much in this relationship. If you can't even hold down a job without being constantly bothered by your partner then you have major problems. His behaviour sounds abusive and controlling to me. If he can't accept you as you are warts and all then he isn't worthy of you. We all have history and it shouldn't matter if you have male friends either. I wouldn't move further away from your family either. These are the tactics of a jealous and controlling man. I wouldn't hang around..
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Re: Need to find strength to go.........

Postby Trevaskiss » Wed Jun 29, 2016 9:42 am

Hi Tarantula

Thanks for your honest and open reply.

Tarantula wrote:But I can tell you now, HE IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE. His trust issues are between him and his past, and they are never going to improve whilst you're around.


He says he's never ever had trust issues before. He said he's never had a partner like me before who has a colourful past and whose past makes him feel that he can't trust me. And the several things I've done/said/lied about, even though I've got a reason for lying (which he says is a pile of s**t), have all made him not trust me. I can completely understand that and I hold my hands up and admit that.

I'm also aware that this won't improve whilst I'm around and it's just draining at my very soul now as I have to be so so careful in what I say.

Tarantula wrote:Plus by this stage, I think you're nearly ready to let it go for good. I can hear it in your writing. You're tired. You're so very exhausted. Perhaps you feel guilty for wanting to let go, as if that means you don't really care. But as I said, it's better for him too if you leave - he won't be able to see it yet, but in time, you would both come to realise that the relationship was doomed to fail.


Oh I am, I just feel so mentally drained now - I can't even think straight or think for myself. I know this would be better for both of us if it was over, and one minute he agrees, the next he's begging me to come back and make it all better. I know I'm the one to blame and it's my fault for divulging too much of my past and portraying myself as someone I'm not (one of the many names he calls me)

Tarantula wrote:No amount of love, reassurance or declarations of a better future would make him trust you. Trust, if it was ever there to begin with, has long since left the building. This is, admittedly, partly your own doing.


Totally my own doing and I hold my hands up each and every time we argue about it. As I said before, he's never had a relationship like this before and to be honest, neither have I.

Last night, when he picked me up from work, he was all jolly, loving and happy again. Telling me we'll have a weekend in London in September and he's booked tickets to go to something I was interested in. He is trying, but I can't stop how I feel about him now and about our relationship.

At the moment, I feel like I'm biding my time - saving money each week from my temping job so that when I do go back to my Dads, I can contribute and won't feel like I'm sponging from him. Partner says I wouldn't be happy at dads as I would be on his sofa rather than a nice house in a nice bed etc, but I know I'd certianly feel a lot more relaxed and will be able to build my life back up again.

Just feel like crying all the time at the moment. I know that he's going to make leaving so so hard for me. He's never been left, he's always done the relationship ending in his past so I have a feeling this is going to be very difficult.

My best mate already has a new phone and number sorted for me, as the phone/number I use now he bought for my birthday and I will want to give that back to him.

At the end of the day, he isn't a bad man - he's a good good man. I've just made him like this and conditioned his mind to be like this so I've only got myself to blame.
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Re: Need to find strength to go.........

Postby Trevaskiss » Wed Jun 29, 2016 9:44 am

johnay wrote:Hi I'm sorry to read that you have suffered so much in this relationship. If you can't even hold down a job without being constantly bothered by your partner then you have major problems. His behaviour sounds abusive and controlling to me. If he can't accept you as you are warts and all then he isn't worthy of you. We all have history and it shouldn't matter if you have male friends either. I wouldn't move further away from your family either. These are the tactics of a jealous and controlling man. I wouldn't hang around..


Thanks Johnay.

He's suffered too, as I've lied about things (for protection mainly), and having been found out he goes mad.

Feel so so low right now :cry:
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Re: Need to find strength to go.........

Postby Tarantula » Wed Jun 29, 2016 11:14 am

Ok time to up the dose of truth.

This is NOT your fault!! Stop blaming yourself for HIS actions and behaviour!! Although part of the problems are your doing, I think you are going WAY OVERBOARD with how much you're putting on yourself.

Your fault for telling him too much about your past? What the bananas?? NO! HIS fault for deciding to stay. Look if it was too much for him, he should have said so clearly and made his way with dignity. Not stay and make your life hell. You can either accept the past or you can't. He shouldn't hold it over your head and blame you when you've done nothing wrong there whatsoever.

The only part I think you're in the wrong about is the messages to your friend's husband or whatever - that would raise my eyebrows too.

But by and large, HIS issues are at fault and you need to stop letting him walk all over you!! He is over the top. He is me, multiplied by 100. And on some level, he knows darn well that you'll come a-crawlin' back every time you leave, if he pesters you enough.

He doesn't respect you or take you seriously, because YOU don't respect you or take yourself seriously. This man has worn you down to a point where you're unrecognisable, I'm sure. And it is only going to get worse.

Draw a line now, and jolly well stick to it. Don't wait. Don't worry about subjective things like 'looking like a scrounger' or whatever - they're your parents!! It's their job to take care of you, doesn't matter how old you are and I'm sure he's happy to do it.

This man is like a cancer for you. Doesn't matter if he's 'good' or 'bad' - he's cancer for YOU, that's all that matters.

You have a guilt complex that is keeping you stuck. He has no doubt magnified this in order to keep you stuck. He is playing on your weaknesses! That's not love!! LOVE would be him admitting to himself that he can't make you happy right now, letting you go without causing you mental anguish, putting himself into therapy to discover the real reasons why he acts the way he does, and working to change himself into a better man, and then - eventually, perhaps - getting back in touch in years to come. Realistically, if he did go that way, he would probably genuinely move on from the past including you - and that would be his right! He would have done right by himself and right by you, to have the humility to step outside of what HE wants and think about what's best in the LONGTERM. He doesn't want to take responsibility for the pain he's caused you, because the shame is too uncomfortable, so he keeps blaming you, knowing you'll drink it up. Don't! Too far now. Enough! Think about what's best for YOU and let the chips fall where they may.

He's going to make it difficult to leave? Don't let him!! Call your dad now, tell him you're on the way, walk out of your workplace and go home, pack your stuff, do it today. Hire a man in a van, do whatever you gotta go but do it fast. Once you're back home, switch immediately to the new phone and give up all contact for ONE MONTH (or more). Don't even check!! Give yourself just one month to relax and heal and get a clearer perspective without him selfishly pushing his needs on you.

In that month, I'd get you to the hairdresser, gym and some nice new clothes. I'd get you to contact all your friends and get back in touch with anyone you've been neglecting. I'd get you to go easy on drinking - if you drink - because that'll risk you making a mistake. I'd get you to spend time out in nature deciding where you want to take your life now. What are your passions? What about working abroad for a spell? What about volunteering or trying new things? Badminton? Going back to college to re-train as a plumber? Starting a knitting 'stitch 'n' bit..' class? Yoga? Poetry? Buddhist class? Learning a language? Finding some new YouTube idols to follow and watching all their videos (I can recommend some really good ones!)? Comedy club? Swimming? Writing an autobiography? Museum? Cat shelter? Gardening? Fashion show? Local politics? Healthy eating (I don't eat animals anymore.. one of the best decisions I ever made!!)? Quiet peaceful evenings watching movies? Going to theatre? Starting a soup kitchen?

Can you see how there is SO MUCH MORE to the world, so much more to LIFE, than the tiny version yours has become, because of this relationship? Don't you want to just get on with it now..?

I get the impression that you're by nature a very giving sort of person. Too much, in this relationship. I feel like the other person has been taking the mick and, although he definitely has his own problems as well, he kind of knows you won't really leave. He'll wait for the relationship to get so bad, until you're absolutely losing your grip and THEN - wait for it - HE will leave YOU. And you'll be left feeling like it was YOUR fault.

No no no! I know probably you won't do it just yet (but imagine if you did!) - and I don't want to put pressure...

... actually screw that, I DO want to put pressure, because life is short and the stakes are high and there is never going to be the 'right' moment to make that change.
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Re: Need to find strength to go.........

Postby snail » Wed Jun 29, 2016 4:31 pm

Trevas, this relationship has been difficult and destructive almost from the beginning. This man has very serious relationship/emotional problems and (more importantly) he's completely in denial about them. Whatever the reason for his problems, they date back well before he met you, probably to his childhood - they are nothing to do with you.

I echo what Tarantula has said - you have to go, and when you do, you have to cut off all contact until you're strong enough.

Your partner needs a significant amount of time in some serious therapy. That's the best you can wish for him.
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Re: Need to find strength to go.........

Postby Mrconfused74 » Wed Jun 29, 2016 7:46 pm

I'd agree you need to et out of this relationship, he has issues either from this or other relationships.
But the problem isn't entirely his. You admit you kept things from him, from a guys perspective we want to know things about a partners past, be that how many, if they've been with a woman, things they've tried. Not because we are nosey but because we want to know what they are like. Some women I've been with have had colourful pasts, I've been told most of the relationships were purely sexual, and whilst we want to know, we also don't want too. The fact you've been caught lying has wounded human he's naturally defended himself by acting out. Whilst the truth is best sometimes you just have to sugar coat it a bit rather than being totally truthful. Although if you are honest they are aware from the start. So perhaps you can learn from this too, don't hide your past to protect a guy, it's your past that's made you the person you are that they fell for after all. But remember guys have feelings too, if the question is asked be honest if they can't accept it they aren't right for you.
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Re: Need to find strength to go.........

Postby Trevaskiss » Thu Jun 30, 2016 1:45 pm

Hi Tarantula

I love it when you post!! You say it as it is, and as harsh as it can be - you're spot on with what you say.

Tarantula wrote:The only part I think you're in the wrong about is the messages to your friend's husband or whatever - that would raise my eyebrows too.


Well, I would say the lying too was a significant wrong on my part too, so I will definitely take the blame for that one. I should have been completely honest about things from the start then it would have been his decision if he chose to stay with me or not.

Tarantula wrote:He doesn't respect you or take you seriously, because YOU don't respect you or take yourself seriously. This man has worn you down to a point where you're unrecognisable, I'm sure. And it is only going to get worse.


Definitely unrecognisable. In my last job, one girl there was very level headed etc and she let me use her phone to contact my best mate - and they've kept in touch since I lost my job. Bestie sent a photo of us both to previous colleague, she couldn't believe how healthy and happy I used to look, and then previous colleague sent a picture to bestie from when our company was in the local paper and apparently bestie was in tears looking at the change in me.

Tarantula wrote:In that month, I'd get you to the hairdresser, gym and some nice new clothes. I'd get you to contact all your friends and get back in touch with anyone you've been neglecting. I'd get you to go easy on drinking - if you drink - because that'll risk you making a mistake. I'd get you to spend time out in nature deciding where you want to take your life now. What are your passions? What about working abroad for a spell? What about volunteering or trying new things? Badminton? Going back to college to re-train as a plumber? Starting a knitting 'stitch 'n' bit..' class? Yoga? Poetry? Buddhist class? Learning a language? Finding some new YouTube idols to follow and watching all their videos (I can recommend some really good ones!)? Comedy club? Swimming? Writing an autobiography? Museum? Cat shelter? Gardening? Fashion show? Local politics? Healthy eating (I don't eat animals anymore.. one of the best decisions I ever made!!)? Quiet peaceful evenings watching movies? Going to theatre? Starting a soup kitchen?


You know what, I was online yesterday during my break and looking at all the things I used to do when I lived only an hour away from London, and when I used to stay at my Dads. A real lump came to my throat as I realised how much I missed these things and missed these people. I used to love a trip to the West End to the musicals, so much other stuff I used to love doing that I stopped becuase of the people who would be there that he wouldn't trust me with.

I do want to get on with it, I just know I can't afford to right now - it's going to have to be a couple of weeks once the money starts flowing in again, then i can put some aside each week. Even if it's just to hire the man and van and get a coach back down there.

I looked outside the bedroom window this morning and we have a beautiful view - rolling countryside etc, but I thought 'Here I am, 200 miles away from anything I know, anyone I know. My heart isn't up here any more, it's back down there in the safety and security of my Dads and only half an hour away from where I used to live where all my mates are. Rural life, and this life are not for me any more.

It's going to happen, I know it is - I've just got to bide my time and get those pennies saved.
Last edited by Trevaskiss on Thu Jun 30, 2016 2:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Need to find strength to go.........

Postby Trevaskiss » Thu Jun 30, 2016 1:51 pm

snail wrote:Trevas, this relationship has been difficult and destructive almost from the beginning. This man has very serious relationship/emotional problems and (more importantly) he's completely in denial about them. Whatever the reason for his problems, they date back well before he met you, probably to his childhood - they are nothing to do with you.

I echo what Tarantula has said - you have to go, and when you do, you have to cut off all contact until you're strong enough.

Your partner needs a significant amount of time in some serious therapy. That's the best you can wish for him.


Hi Snail

You're right - it has been difficult from the start. I was chatting to my Dad the other day and he said that even though he liked him at first, alarm bells started ringing when after only a few months he moved himself into my flat and re-arranged it, threw a load of my stuff out, replaced it with his and had it looking how he would like it.

Granted, my flat was a tip and it kind of reflected my depression, and it did need a good clear up, but to have almost everything go!

Dad was a bit concerned at first as to me coming to live with him, but I've told him now that all I have that belongs to me is my own personal belongings - no furniture or anything else as that's all the stuff he's bought (or we've bought together, but I don't want).

I'm hoping that I can make that break int he next few weeks. just need the finances to build up a bit.
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Re: Need to find strength to go.........

Postby Trevaskiss » Thu Jun 30, 2016 1:53 pm

Mrconfused74 wrote:I'd agree you need to et out of this relationship, he has issues either from this or other relationships.
But the problem isn't entirely his. You admit you kept things from him, from a guys perspective we want to know things about a partners past, be that how many, if they've been with a woman, things they've tried. Not because we are nosey but because we want to know what they are like. Some women I've been with have had colourful pasts, I've been told most of the relationships were purely sexual, and whilst we want to know, we also don't want too. The fact you've been caught lying has wounded human he's naturally defended himself by acting out. Whilst the truth is best sometimes you just have to sugar coat it a bit rather than being totally truthful. Although if you are honest they are aware from the start. So perhaps you can learn from this too, don't hide your past to protect a guy, it's your past that's made you the person you are that they fell for after all. But remember guys have feelings too, if the question is asked be honest if they can't accept it they aren't right for you.


Hi Mrconfused74

I know - I've caused a lot of the arguments with the lying! No excuse for it really, but I didn't want to paint a bad picture of me from my past (which I have) as I'm not like that any more. I've changed so much since then, but now he knows all this stuff about me he's assuming I'm still like that.

It's one massive lesson learned though - and I think sugar coating it is probably the best for the next time I get involved in a relationship (if I've not joined a convent by then)
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