Confusion, hurt and grief..........

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Confusion, hurt and grief..........

Postby Trevaskiss » Wed Sep 21, 2016 10:33 am

Hello All

This may be a long one, so I apologise.

So, some may have already read my long and boring situation, but I just wanted to pop on here now and provide an update.

After I put the last post on here, things had sort of started to get better. My fella wasn’t bringing up my past that much any more and the arguments (the huge 2 or 3 day ones) were much less, so in that respect I was happier. However, he was still getting short with me over various things and constantly putting me down/digging at me – yet at the same time he was being more loving, caring, attentive etc. Yet I knew deep inside that it just wasn’t right any more and that my feelings had changed towards him. Yes, I still love him, but I wasn’t in love with him any more.

One day he was talking about us moving even further away as there was an area we both absolutely loved, but I wasn’t keen on it. With it being only weeks since I’d tried leaving, I just said that I didn’t think our relationship was strong enough to have another move and I certainly didn’t want to be living even further away from friends and family. He then went on to tell me that I didn’t have any of that any more and that no one cared about me – all my friends hadn’t bothered with me (only cos I told them not too, it was more trouble than it was worth) and that I had no family any more as my Dad hadn’t bothered with me (little he knew I called Dad weekly) and that he was all I had and that it was just me and him from now on! We then got talking about how we felt, and I then admitted my feelings to him.

Of course, that opened a whole new can of worms – first of all he thought I was cheating on him. If I didn’t feel that way about him, then I must be feeling it for someone else. Then of course, my feelings towards men must be finishing and it must be a woman I want now (errr, no). Then when I said I didn’t want anyone, that made him even more angry. How could I not want him after all he’s done for me, he’s taken me from a life of hell, bought me to a nice area, a nice house etc.

After this, and the next 3 days of old style arguments (where he could get very very nasty) and him threatening to throw me out several times, I knew I had to go. It was’t fair on him and it wasn’t fair on me. I started trying to pack and then I got the emotional blackmail of ‘you’ll never survive on your own’ and ‘do you really want to be living on your Dads sofa for the rest of your life and changing your career to chief babysitter for the grandkids’. Eventually I relented and we carried on.

Except, he kept on and on about my feelings towards him. At least once a week he would ask if I’d fallen in love with him again and as time went on it became more regular and in the end it was several times a day he was asking. It was driving me nuts! I certainly can’t fall for someone if they’re harking on about it all the time.

Now, I very very rarely got any time to myself (except for working). If he was invited out, he always took me and if I was ever invited out (which I always turned down), I would have to include him, so when he said that his mate had tickets to a gig and he was going – a lightbulb appeared in my head. Now at first I felt a bit annoyed as he just accepted and said yes, without even asking if I wanted to go – yet if I’d have done that he would have hit the roof. 2 weeks later, he finally asked if I wanted a ticket!!!

Anyway, I felt that was my golden opportunity, so at work the next day I phoned Dad. We had a long chat and made a few plans. I also knew how unpredictable my fella could be, so I told Dad that things may just change, but all being well it won’t. I’d also been in touch with my best friend who was giving me a second hand phone (new number) and giving me her old car too.

So, on 1st September, again after him being particularly loving and attentive (which made me feel worse), he went off out to the gig. Half an hour after he left, I text Dad who was in the next village waiting for me to contact him. Within an hour and a half, me and 99% of my belongings were out and had left the town. Dad and I found a service station on M1, stopped at a hotel there and then carried on our journey. I left the phone behind that he bought me, Dad had already changed his telephone number, so he had no way of contacting me. I restored the phone back to factory settings so all contacts were deleted.

The guilt I felt (and still do) was massive. I knew I’d never go back again, and I knew I’d done the right thing, but I couldn’t stop crying as I felt so so guilty. Fella went out thinking all was ok and would have come back to find me and my personal belongings (which wasn’t much any more) gone. I told my Dad I couldn’t cope with the guilt feeling and I don’t know how long it would take me to get over that.

Sadly, the bad outweighed the good in our relationship and that was the deciding factor for me – along with the way I felt about him, it just wasn’t fair on either of us. All the arguemnts, accusations and everything has shattered my confidence. I have none left any more, felt ugly and felt totally worthless.

Almost 3 weeks on, hell yes I miss him (well, some things), I’ve got myself a temp job near London – still looking for a permanent to give me a bit of stability. I’m living at Dads and yes it is on the sofa for now and I do look after the grandkids sometimes, but not as a career. I’ve been back to my old hometown which is only 45 mins away from here and went to a BBQ with my best friend (petrified as I’ve not socialised like that in a very long time). Also had huge cuddles from my old cat who I had to leave behind. I’ve also re-connected with 1 or 2 friends who have gone on Facebook, sent private messages and got me a whole load of telephone numbers back again, so my phone has been very active for the last few weeks. Sadly, the haircut and other stuff that Tarantula had mentioned on her reply to me before hasn’t happened yet as I’ve only been in this job since last Friday and haven’t been paid yet, but I am looking forward to getting it done. My other best friend has put me on a dating ban for at least a year, which is more than fine as I can’t be bothered at all in that department. I’ve registered with a doctor, dentist, library etc etc so there is definitely no going back.

I’m quietly confident now about my future, but am now thinking about speaking to the doctor about possibly Anti Depressants and/or counselling as the whole experience over the last 2.5 years has torn me apart, physically and mentally. Dad and his ladyfriends family have noticed a huge change in 3 weeks, but I’m still harbouring the guilt inside and feel dreadful about it all.

I’ll get another update done in a month or so, but I wanted to just settle back first before sending this one.

You can all wake up now :)
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Re: Confusion, hurt and grief..........

Postby Trevaskiss » Wed Sep 21, 2016 1:41 pm

Oh, and just a bit I forgot...

He had tried emailing as a week later I finally opened up my emails, but only a few from him the first couple of days after I left.

I've also since found out, he has tried to contact one of my friends whos number was in his phone. She recognised the number and ignored it. She said it all made sense when she knew I'd left.

I've heard nothing since though which is good. The next thing I have to do is get my name off the tenancy agreement and try to sort the bills out, taking my name off them.
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Re: Confusion, hurt and grief..........

Postby Tarantula » Wed Sep 21, 2016 3:20 pm

Wahoooooooo! You did it!!!!!! =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D>

Good on ya!

Guilt? No guilt!! Put all your guilt in a box and put the box in a slightly bigger box and flush that box down the toilet. You do NOT deserve to feel guilty for putting yourself first and doing what oh so badly needed to be done.

No one can say you done a 'bad' thing by upping and leaving - that was the best way to do it! 'Cause you knew, better than anyone else, what ballache awaited you if you tried to do it in person. He wouldn't let you. He wouldn't respect your boundaries. He'd cry and plead and walk on his hind legs insincerely until you changed your mind. How many times has that happened before? How many?

So no guilt for you. Enough. You've been through enough, you don't need guilt as well. What you need now is rest and compassion unto yourself, good friends, comedy shows on youtube, runs around the park, lots of water every day and reading.

Yes, it will take time to restore what was lost and the best thing you can do is be alone for a while and re-adjust. Having said that, the occasional date here or there is okay if you think you can avoid falling into another bad situation; I met the person I'm with now when I'd just come out of the really bad relationship I mentioned in an earlier reply to you, and he is the polar opposite, I'm very happy with him; but I think I just got very, very lucky with the timing.

It's so good that you've maintained No Contact so far. Did you know there are entire books written about going NC and all the benefits it brings? Keep up the good work!

He's gonna keep calling and trying for a while. You just settle in and let that storm pass. He actually sounds quite narcissistic - which is something I find myself saying a lot particularly in response to problems on here - perhaps because an anonymous forum attracts victims of those kinds of unhealthy behaviours, who otherwise don't have anyone in real life to turn to and share the reality of what they're going through (for one thing, narcs typically try to isolate their partner from family/friends, which it sounds like your ex was doing).

I think you have crossed such a difficult personal hurdle in your life and you should be downright proud. I know the struggle. You gonna go through phases and cycles and phases over the coming months, but you're off to a really strong start - stronger than any start I've made following a messy breakup - and with the right support, you'll get through it.

Well done.
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Re: Confusion, hurt and grief..........

Postby Trevaskiss » Fri Sep 23, 2016 12:37 pm

At the moment, I can’t help the guilt at all. It’s driving me nuts!

On many occasions before I left he was accusing me of walking all over him and using him, and a couple of times said “Prove you’re not using me, and leave”.

However, the other side of him wanted to carry on with me just the way we were and was happy that I wasn’t ‘in love’ with him any more, but as long as I still loved him (which I do still). However, he would always bring up the fact that I wasn’t in love with him any more – so I couldn’t win.

I just think of him going out that night thinking everything was fine and he’d come home, tell me all about it and we’d carry on as normal – and knowing he came home to a empty house (not belongings, just me not there) after a great night out makes me feel like the worst person alive.

And yeah, he would have had me change my mind – on a million occasions it’s already happened and each time I’ve relented and felt worse than before.

Hell, I’ve got no plans to get together with anyone now. I want to be at least a year alone, building bridges with friends. Only one has been less than understanding, but she’s good friends with a mutual friend of his, so it’s difficult.

Every day I think about him, wondering what he’s doing, who he’s talking to etc and it’s bringing me to tears every time. I fired up my old iPad last night to restore the factory settings and set it up with my new iTunes account and there was a big picture of us both gaping at me from when things were happier. *Sigh*

In-fact, as I type this, it’s about this time 3 weeks ago that I walked into Dads house permanently.
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Re: Confusion, hurt and grief..........

Postby Tarantula » Fri Sep 23, 2016 3:22 pm

There's no easy way through this part I'm afraid. You have to ride it out.

Did you notice how confused you sound? In both your posts there's so much 'howevers' and 'yets'; you sound like someone who's just been through a very disorientating and painful situation - which you have. I can feel the inner conflict. All of this is symptomatic if someone who's been in a toxic relationship.

Seriously, do some googling around toxic relationships and narcissism; there are so many helpful sites out there that can help you to understand why he behaved the way he did, and why there was absolutely nothing you could have done to ''make it work.'

You've done nothing wrong. I bet he'll play the sob story once he realises you are not coming back.

When toxic people can't control you anymore, they'll try to control the way people see you. He'll be wanting you to feel as guilty as possible. All those times you tried and tried and bent over backwards and took him back - he ain't gonna remember any of that.

Remember, it's your overgiving, overcaring, over-guilt-complex that attracted you to this person, and that dynamic is what's making you feel guilty now. Don't you believe it! You have to challenge that feeling with rational analysis of what actually happened. Think of all the times you tried and tried and how unappreciated it went. Think of all the times he apologised and went back to normal as soon as you were hooked back in. No one can say that you did a bad thing. You tried your darnedest to make things work and eventually gave up for the sake of your own sanity. Must you compromise your sanity trying to save his? No. If you allow guilt to take over, then you're setting yourself up for another catastrophe like this down the line. Probably you're a very caring and compassionate person - but YOU deserve that too, otherwise it's incomplete.

You're doing a great job so far.
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Re: Confusion, hurt and grief..........

Postby Trevaskiss » Mon Sep 26, 2016 11:32 am

Today, I just feel like crying ………. Nothing else but crying.

I did something that maybe was a bit too soon after I left my now ex.

There was an activity that I used to love doing before I met him, and incidently I met him at one of these activities although he was based in a completely different section (that only did a couple of events a year). So, naturally, there would be some mutual friends there (and those who were close to him and that probably hate me right now).

Over time he stopped me doing this activity as the lack of trust was there and he didn’t trust me to do these alone (or even with him).

Now there was an event in London over the weekend which I just wanted to go along Sunday to catch up with some old friends I’d not seen for 2.5 years, even if it was just to apologise for dropping off the radar. Didn’t need to tell them the full story, just apologise and hope they would forgive me.

Now 1 couple would be there who are very good friends with ex. And also, one of those is also very good friends with one of my friends. When I saw my friend she virtually blanked me, and then we had a chat outside and she was hurt at the way I dropped her. Now she is the friend who ex was accusing me of having something with her husband (which both she and I knew were totally untrue). I tried explaining why this had all happened and after a while she said it would take time and we wouldn’t be able to pick up where we left off, it would take a lot longer. Which I understand.

She then said that she’d heard how absolutely devastated ex was that I had left and that he thought things were ok when he went out. It was like a bolt from the blue and has completely rocked his life. She said I had a cheek coming to the event when I knew that other couple would be there, especially as it had only been just over 3 weeks.

I left the event shortly after that and I know that it’ll be at least 3 months into next year before I will attend another one. I will still attend other events, but those which are organised by different companies as I know he and no one related to him will be there.

However, this morning, the guilt I felt last week has been multiplied by 100! All I’ve wanted to do since I woke up is cry my eyes out, I just feel dreadful. I also do think that it was far far far too soon to have got back involved in events like that. Even when I chatted to Dad about it last night, I said it was too soon and that I made a mistake going. He didn’t think I had, but the way I feel I’m not so sure.
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Re: Confusion, hurt and grief..........

Postby Tarantula » Tue Sep 27, 2016 9:38 am

Ok. All I could think when reading your post was 'these are not your friends.' It sounds like your ex has already done a number on them, dropped the sob story and they've drank it up like kool-aid, mmmmm! You've got a cheek? What the heck? A cheek for what? A cheek for leaving an old relationship fair and square and wanting to rebuild your life?

I'm gonna make another broad overarching statement which sounds tenuous at first but is actually bang on the money: whatever circumstances you were in when you met and decided to get with this man are circumstances that you can do without. That includes the people you hung out with at the time (these ones).

I'm just saying, that it was the fabric of your life which led you into making the decisions you did, which you will come to realise in hindsight if you haven't already, were bad decisions. Not in your best interests. You got caught up in this thing and should have left for good on so many occasions. Perhaps if you'd had a genuinely good support network of friends, you would have had the leverage to do so - truth bomb. Yes, I realise it was you who dropped off the radar (which is a red flag for a toxic relationship). If I were them, I would feel miffed by that, yes. But, knowing what I know, I'd be prepared to take you back arms wide open because I understand the dynamics of toxic relationships and that you got all lost in it and it was nothing personal. Your need for support after such an ordeal would be BIGGER THAN my need to sulk. Plus, I'm sure you've been very genuinely apologetic and that should be enough. It seems, though, that your 'friends' have seen an opportunity to sulk and are gonna milk it for all it's worth - 'take time to get back to where we were' - get lost. You have nothing to prove to anybody. They either wanna be on your team or they don't. Now, you didn't finally gather the strength to do leave such a difficult situation with your ex (and it does take a lot of strength, I know!) to then go and jump straight back in with the circumstances that enabled that catastrophe to happen in the first place. Where were they when you were in your darkest moments? Whether you'd disappeared or not, a friend should always recognise when your need is greater. You should have felt able to reach out to them. I have a friend, right now, who has apparently dropped me because she's on-off with her bf who I used to always stick up for but now he's crossed a line (hot physically abusive on a plane when drunk; plane had to land so he could get arrested; she swore she was done but went back to him after he called and begged and whined enough), and she knows what I think about that (without me needing to say anything) and hasn't spoken to me since she got back with him. Sound familiar? BUT. If the day ever comes where she contacts me to say she's finally out of it, I'll be there for her in an instant. Until then, all I can do is hope she finds her way out 'cause he ain't gonna change.

What I'm trying to say is, this is so much more than a breakup. This needs to be an entire life makeover for you, or you're vulnerable to meeting another person who is just bad for you.

You don't need to explain. You don't need to justify yourself to these 'friends'. You've done nothing wrong. You didn't cheat, you didn't act out of order. You left in the only way you could because he was such a head case and wouldn't let you go any other way - but of course they don't see that. Trust me, your ex has made sure to get in there first; that's what toxic people DO. When they can't control you anymore, they will try to control the way people SEE you. And the disappointing thing is, your former friends are more interested in taking sides than realising it takes two to tango, and their priority ought to be to cheer you up and get you back on your feet, not make you feel worse!

You have to go no contact on any mutual people as well. I suggest that you focus on the new, new new and the NOW. Forget all them. Let them think what they want. I know this is easier said than done and you're really in need of support right now. You thought you'd be safe with them and it actually backfired and it's just horrible. It's time to tear it all apart and build new. I would've been incensed on your behalf if I'd been a fly on the wall when your so-called friend says you have a cheek to be there. I would have wanted you to tell her where to stuff it for talking down to you like that, and left. People like that - they only gonna understand on THEIR level of perception. Therefore it's a waste of time trying to fight your case. Gotta drop 'em like it's hot, along with anyone else who doesn't truly have your best interests at heart.

I know you probably feel like the pain will never go away, but you also know from experience that it does, eventually. This isn't about doing anything 'too soon'. No amount of time you could have waited was going to suddenly transform those people into genuine allies.

From a different angle, this is a very exciting time for you. You did the thing you were afraid to do. You left. You're FREE.

FREE to decide your own outcomes. Free to choose even a new career path, new options, new opportunities, new friends, new hobbies, new newness!!! You get to start over where so many people end up marrying and/or having kids with their toxic partner. You got out. You did it. I can't recommend enough that you read extensively and take proper good care of yourself at this time. You eating ok? Exercise?
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Re: Confusion, hurt and grief..........

Postby Trevaskiss » Fri Sep 30, 2016 9:38 am

I know, I really should forget those friends. She really got my goat on Sunday though, but it left me feeling mentally awful.

I’ve got some other friends too who I need to try and see. They’re not making any contact at all, but I have since found out why.

One of them, lost her boyfriend to Cancer whilst I was off the radar, but I had absoulutely no idea about it and that has devastated me.

Basically, ex partner bought me a new phone and contract for my birthday last year, but daily he wanted to look at it and see what was on it. Now day time if I got a message, I could look at it myself, as I was at work, but evening if the phone went off, he would always get to it first. Now I had absolutely nothing to hide, nothing at all.

I remember him asking me who this bloke was and had I slept with him? After a massive argument, and me telling him time and time again that I hadn’t, he left it and I thought no more of it.

So when I start to re-connect again, I spoke to my friend, asked her how things were in her world and that was when she dropped the bombshell. She told me when it was, and that he’d wanted all his friends there. She’d tried to get in touch with me, but hadn’t heard anything back.

I explained to her what had happened with ex, and literally begged for her forgiveness as the worse part was, they were not a million miles away from where I was living at the time. I was absolutely devastated by all this and didn’t think I could ever forgive myself.

She has forgiven me and we have chatted lots about it all (forgetting my issue, concentrating on her), and I’ve said that I’d like to travel up to see her and visit his grave so I could say goodbye properly.

Again, we had some mutual friends and they don’t know what’s happened. They don’t know my situation, and I’ve discussed this with another friend who is trying to help as I never ever wanted to lose these people.

I’m a very forgiving person, but I’ll never forgive my ex for this.

As for the last part of your post Tarantula, I am eating – although the portion sizes at Dads are very small hehe! I’m actually gaining weight now, I’ve made a chart up as I was seriously underweight when I left. Although there are times when I get very low and depressed and do not want to eat at all.
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