RedFlags???

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RedFlags???

Postby SamMos76 » Wed Sep 14, 2016 10:54 am

A quick and simple one! What redflags should
You look for when you think your partner is having an affair? Or if anyone was cheated on did they notice anything before or after they found out that should've been a concern? Thanks.
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Re: RedFlags???

Postby fairy of darkness » Wed Sep 14, 2016 11:58 am

I think often it comes down to instincts. Ask yourself why you think that an affair is happening behind your back? As in what has triggered you to feel this way? (not why would someone cheat on you)

Of course there are the typical signs such as hiding phones from you, popping out to the shops for a long time, working late, sometimes being extra loving towards you or the total opposite...(guilt for cheating/resentment for having to lie)

Though i believe the above are all cliches and that you should trust your gut. Are you a paranoid person, or an insecure person? Could this be solved by a simple conversation?

I can recommend things not to do. Such as looking through a partners phone, or asking his/her work colleagues if they know anything. The best way is to try and get them to be open and honest with you.

If this is relating to you, would you feel comfortable sharing your reasons for being concerned? Perhaps it would make it easier for us to try and help :)

All the best,

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Re: RedFlags???

Postby SamMos76 » Thu Sep 15, 2016 5:20 pm

ok, so a while back, she started dressing different for work, skirts, dresses etc, although she's always said she doesn't feel comfortable in them. Then there's the sex! It can be infrequent or we have spates of doing it a few nights in a row, but it's always the same, lights off, so she can't see me, or I may go under the covers, if you get my drift. Then there's her phone, previously she would just leave it laying around, now she's always got it, and very rarely leaves it laying around, which wouldn't matter anyway as she changes her pin. If she's on it she'll turn it away from me, or she will take it to the bath, or read it in bed. Before she would leave it on a table and if she got a text or someone called she would ask who it was, now I never hear or see it ring or text.
And finally, the one that I guess comes from my past insecurity, she has find my phone, and yes I admit I've checked it, one time she said she was somewhere, whereas the app said she wasn't, granted I know they are not accurate to a few feet, but in my mind she wasn't where she said she was. And then the other day, no signal on it at all? And I'm thinking she's turned it off?

Yes I've been paranoid in the past, insecure, but other the years I've dealt with it. But now and again it comes out, this was from previous relationships where I had a feeling I was being cheated on, and proven to be right.
As for why she would cheat? We don't argue, money is good, I don't drink do drugs or beat her, and the sex when we have it is good, well at least she sounds like she enjoys it. So as for why I have no idea, maybe she feels she needs some excitement as she has a big birthday coming up? I have noticed she does look at men, I mean I'm sure a lot of women do, but she never use too, and if I say something she just says I'm being stupid. I've started working out as I feel this may be an issue, but I'm out of ideas, just need a females perspective. X
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Re: RedFlags???

Postby David020549 » Thu Sep 15, 2016 10:18 pm

Here is a male perspective, there is no doubt that she is being furtive and hiding quite a lot, it may or may not be entirely innocent, either way I would want to know to satisfy my own curiosity. Asking her to explain what is happening, most likely you will be accused of not trusting her, end up in a row and you still will not know, so here is a question.
If you found out that she was having a fling what would you do, and just as important what would she do having been found out, if you do start to seriously investigate keep an open mind and be prepared for surprises.
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Re: RedFlags???

Postby David020549 » Fri Sep 16, 2016 12:49 pm

Sam, as I said be prepared for surprises.
What if she has had a cancer scare and is being secretive about it, if she is having treatment, regular NHS procedures go on most days including weekends, that might also account for changes in the bedroom.
OR. Maybe she is supporting a close friend or relative that is affected and she is sworn to secrecy.
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Re: RedFlags???

Postby fairy of darkness » Mon Sep 19, 2016 4:22 pm

I think the point being made here is that there could be a whole shedload full of reasons why someone might be acting strangely.

My advice would be to go at it gently, making no assumptions, ask if something is wrong, if anything has changed ...that way she won't be feeling defensive and you don't risk accusing her of something that isn't true.

It does sound like there is something going on, but who is to say what that is...

It sounds like a tricky situation and it appears obvious to me that you love your wife, make that known to her and she will hopefully be honest.

I wish you the best in such a difficult situation,

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Re: RedFlags???

Postby SamMos76 » Tue Nov 01, 2016 5:19 pm

Ok, so things haven't really changed, still very clingy with her phone, but to be honest not seen anything that may suggest she's cheating, ( of course she may have stopped ) anyway we had a talk about things, and agreed we'd both make an effort, initially is was good, but slowly it's gone back to how it was before, sexual contact of any kind is few and far between, even though I'd said to her I would do something every night if possible, as I know my sex drive is much higher than hers, and even though I do a lot more around the house etc, nothing happens. She says its because I don't let her know I want to do anything??? I've told her she could do something everyday, be it oral or just masturbation. But she says she is tired, or didn't know I wanted to do anything. I really don't know what to do. I won't lie I've considered alternatives but so far haven't done anything. In every other aspect things are fine, but when it comes to sex it's almost as if she just can't be bothered! Which is weird as when we do she does enjoy it. What more can I do?
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