Everything getting to me

[johnay]

I think any violence against another person is dreadful and completely unacceptable. It's not a matter of gender at all and I'm not sticking up for your husband either. I obviously wasn't at any of these incidents that you describe both in the original and this latest round of revelations so can only commented on what you said. Domestic violence is something I have never been involved in and never will.

You admitted in your previous post that you had instigated arguments, spat and got physical. If you start things and wind someone up like that then surely you are old enough to know that they are going to retaliate in some way.. Let's face it if you dish it out you can expect it back. Behaviour like that is unacceptable, immature and as I said previously I think you need to get some professional help urgently. You asked for advice and comments and that's what I think. You are both at crisis point aren't you???? Or am I missing something here. It's time to act and sort yourself out.

[Celebritydiscodave]

Sterdelight, It`s only ever about you, so either you are incapable of unconditional love, love which is in the most part outside of and beyond just ones ego, or you cannot feel it for your husband. It is only when something happens that ones love is being tested. There may be reasons stemming from your past as to why you cannot love, or otherwise,cannot show any indication of love. Do you consider that your parents loved you with genuine and unconditional love. Do you even consider that you were loved? Idolize that person which you would most wish to be, and focus there constantly. It even helps if you put your dream self down on paper, constantly revising, straight prose, or verse, perhaps straight prose, and later verse. We only have one life, so we only have one chance to demonstrate that we can love. I am simply responding to your introduction. If the violence bit has not been somehow over played why was it not included back then, and how could it possibly not have been? Is it that you are still only concerned for your ego, even now? I do understand that you may be feeling very trapped at the moment. Create for yourself a social life beyond your immediate environment. If your husband loves you he wont wish you to feel trapped. I`m not suggesting that you should spend any less time with him however.

The above assuming that this sudden change in your husbands circumstances was everything. However, whilst we should feel obliged to try and show love, we are actually, other than by way our original best guess, no more likely to love our spouse than anybody else. There is absolutely no need to feel guilty should it be that you have gradually grown apart, and with it your love, and equally, if your love for him has been gradually worn away through selfish acts on his part. Whilst it is a virtue to be selfless, selflessness cannot survive for long in a vacuum, for something of the same order must be returned. Could be that you had already stopped loving him, and then this, such, there remains nothing left in your tank with which to deal with his change of circumstance now. If this is true than you must be making this very clear to those around you should it be that you want out. Unfortunately, it is quite possible that some shall make a negative judgement of you.

[stardelightxxx]

Maybe I don't love him like I used to, maybe something as died in me that he as killed. We were watching a tv programme and it said that the husband had cheated on his wife. My husband said. Typical a woman driving a man to have an affair. Now this is a man who as always said he would never cheat or as cheated yet he came out with them words. He said he was joking and he was having a laugh because we were getting on. bull to me, more like he spoke how he really felt and probably as cheated. I checked his phone and going back over three months he as a lot of private numbers and unknown numbers on his phone , he says there just rubbish and about loans but Seems funny he as so many going back three months doesn't it. I told him I want a divorce and we no longer trust each other and we are no longer happy, he said ok he knows what I want. he went and stayed in our sons room which was from 530 til no doubt tomorrow morning avoiding me. He also went out earlier in the day. I left at after 1pm according to him he left at 3pm. he had broken a mirror in the house and the shop was open til 5pm but he did not get it fixed yet said the shop was shut. I know he lied to me do where did he go for the two and a half hours he was out for.

[Celebritydiscodave]

Where there is genuine love there is also FREEDOM, one feels free to do all of those things which make one feel the most happy. Most, but not all, will still be with your husband. Obviously though, where there is genuine love there can never be the desire to go with another. Forget romance, for that commodity should always be secondary. Ihe question is only as to whether you still actually love him. If the relationship is emotionally significantly one sided, and with no possible eventual relief from this state, you would in my opinion both be better of out of it. However, circumstances of emotion can be hard to predict into the future, and some adaption is likely possible. He should n`t wish to prevent you from living your life your way/He should n`t wish to change you. But if your love for him be genuine, along with his for you, you`ll meet approximately half way.

[stardelightxxx]

im still convinced he is cheating with this office woman. he told me since he started this job two and a half years ago that she was happily married. i accused him the other day and now he said she is always talking to some other fella who works for the company and spent all day out with him and someone said if something was going on between them. is this to throw me of track or could it be the truth. he said to speak to her but if shes cheating with my husband she would deny it anyway. i did send a text to his boss last year and asked him if something was going on, he said as far as he was concerned there wasnt and i was jeopardising my husband s job. this man had an affair himself my husband said so he might lie to cover my husband anyway. two years ago when im convinced she said, dont forget to get me a present which he denies she said and it was, dont forget to get your wife a present that it was office banter. just say she said, dont forget to get your wife a present then why would a woman say that to a man and why would she be bothered if he did or didnt get me a present. he as never forgotten yet. seems really really strange to me. he said to call her up and ask her but she would deny if she was cheating anyway. do i risks his job and our home , i cannot forget her words. he does speak to her quite a few times in the week.

[Isley]

Hubby and me had been arguing said i hate him and despriced him, told him were through next minute hes shouting at me to take the xmas decs down but had pulled almost of the decs down. Our kids were due back so i quickly tidied all the mess up he created just so they wouldnt see it all, i feel a mug for doing it but was only thinking of them,If they hadnt of been back i would of left it. He has done this before and i have pick up the mess but his shouting scared me and if i had somewhere to go i would of left. Told him why did he take the decs down said i only bought them for me and not the kids when the truth is i bought them to make the house look nice for xmas and for the kids. Its always me making tbe house look nice and buying little things to make it homely. he said he would have to leave told him it was my fault for starting and i know i try to calm him down to keep the piece even thou i started it all but i shouldnt be scared to speak my mind just so he wont lose his temper. I have no family or friends to turn to only this site for support.

[Celebritydiscodave]

Sounds like fairly typical romantic love/self love. Those that genuinely love pass all of the tests, and then bounce back for me. There can be considerable SELF/EGO involves in sexual/romantic love, nd it too easily becomes the nearest thing to hate. Finding the genuinely right partner would likely take the average person an entire lifetime so we tend to trust that the relationship will never be overly tested, will never be genuine/ unconditional love. Equilibrium is essential for true happiness, and this is why I`m a batchelor. l

[stardelightxxx]

I wonder if i should stay with him. He as money problems due to debts, as two cars on car loans nothing ever seems to go right for him. I see other women and wonder if they have as many problems with there partners or do they have a nice easy going life with there men and i wonder if i have been dealt a bad hand when i met him, was i just unlucky to of met him and life as been hard with him and am i out just to suffer a rubbish hard life.

[snail]

I have read all the posts you have ever made on this site, through all the years, and my opinion is that both you and your husband would be better off if you did split up.

You are constantly tormented by the belief that he is having affairs, no matter how improbable or how slight the evidence - you are worrying about it now, even though he can't physically have sex with anyone. This is the thing you post about the most - you must have made dozens of posts about that - and no amount of reassurance from either him or anyone else makes you stop thinking about this. You blame him for your being short of money, there is violence between you, and you seem constantly disappointed with him - by your own admission you just told him that you hated and despised him. I can't see how being on your own could be less happy than you are now.

For his part, he will no longer be with a partner who despises him, who can't trust him, who resents him for having cancer, who argues with him constantly, and who does things like jeopardising his job by contacting his boss and asking if he is having affairs with other employees. It must be better for him and give him more chance of recovering his health.

Why not go to your local Citizens Advice or to the local council offices (or visit their websites) and see what help you could get to get accomodation once you have split up, and what help with money. Then, try to get through Christmas as well as you can and split up in the new year.

[David020549]

If you are married it is time to end it and start to enjoy life, although the thread has been so wayward and contradictory I am not sure how much is fact and how much is fiction.

[pebs]

my husband had his prostrate taken out in September 2016 and our lives have change so much. its been 6 months and he hasnt gone back yet to see how hes getting on. the hospital said they would be in touch but still havent. i told him to call and make a appointment himself. i have been arguing over our sex life or lack of it now and he said he wished he never went to get the operation. he has tried injections and tablets but he got bad side affects from them now he has a pump to use but is still getting used to it and he has to try it for five days. he has tried it twice but hasnt since and its because i argue about our sex life and i miss it. we never had much of one before but still had it now i have to ask him to give me oral and i feel he doesnt want me in bed. he says its affected him and it has affected me too but i feel he would just to bed and sleep and doesnt crave attention in bed like i do and i hate having to ask him to touch me. he says he cuddles up to me but i want more and i feel lonely and i even accused him of having a affair even a emotional one because of a woman he speaks to alot in work but he denies it. sometimes i think of cheating because it will be normal sex without having all the problems what my husband has got cos of the surgery. i know i sound really unsympathetic but i have needs and want to feel wanted. also we have moved out the beginning of this month to a flat which we both dont like and had caused me so much stress and i have been very depressed and crying alot. we were down sizing after our kids going off to university and we thought a flat would suit us. we were looking at houses and going for them but each time we got let down so we ended up here and realise it was the biggest mistake of our lives and he said he kepted quiet about moving here because he saw i wanted to leave our old place and that it was to big and i hated the neighbours. he said he kepted quiet but knew he would have to travel further, he is a sales rep. i cannot believe he didnt speak up and wished he had and we wouldnt of ended up here. anyway his boss told him he is living to far out of the area he covers so we had a word with the landlord and he put it back on the market and now we have had a young couple who are moving in next week who are willing to take over the tenacy. we have got a house which is privately rented and move in next week. it as all been like a bad dream and i thought we would have to stay here for the 6 months and i would be depressed and crying so i am really happy we are moving out and finally get settled but my husband s lack of attention in the bedroom is getting to me and i feel he no longer wants me. he says he touches me and kisses me when we are out and in the house but in bed i have to asked for oral. i wished he would grab me and make me feel im really wanted but it will never happen. hes never been one to give me a hug its always me who hugs him, he just gives me a pack when he comes home, touches my breasts and bum and holds my hand watching tv but i wouldn't say it satisfies me enough to not want anything more. i long to have passionate sex again and feel wanted in the bedroom. whats going on with him. has he gone off me.

[penna]

lived in a 3 bedroom house for 3 years, the kids had left for university and the house felt to big. My husband and i didnt really like the area and where looking to move. we thought about flats and houses but went for a flat because we had never lived in one before, it was cheaper then a house and i kepted going on and on about moving as i wanted a new start and because the house felt to big with the kids gone. we moved to a flat and regretted it straight away. my husband never told me he didnt like the area and only moved to keep me happy with me going on all the time. he kepted telling me we could take our time and look but i was always in a rush to move. i felt very depressed in the flat and really lonely and cut off. We stayed there for one month and my husband said it was to far for him to get to work so we looked at houses again and i was desperate to get out of the flat and he didnt like it so a 2 bedroom house came up. been here 2 months and realise its to small and it is another mistake. the area is nice and its a lovely little house but know we need to move again and look for a 3 bedroom. two of our 3 kids have stayed and it was cramped and now only 1 of them will be here for summer and the other 2 are staying where they are and will work through the summer. they used to work where we lived and each worked for a few years, one at a shop the other at a fast food restaurant now i feel its all my fault because they would of been home if we hadnt of moved and would be working in the same place where they used to work and be with us for summer. i thought by moving it would make me happy and be a new start but know that it hasnt. the grass isnt always greener on the other side as the saying goes. so in August we will be looking again to move. our 6 months is due up then on the house so it will just be a month by month after that. i know i will be taking my time and not rushed like i did and make sure its right for me my husband and kids when they come home. we will be seeing them in the holidays but its not the same with them not being home all summer and i know its my fault and that i have ruined everything for them and for us all. i dont deserve to be happy with me rushing to move and it hasnt made me happy in the least.

[mana]

Been married 21 years got 3 children over 20 and all at uni. im 47 husband is 51. my husband and i moved house in March this year when our last child left for uni and we moved to a flat which was a big mistake. i thought it would be a new start for us and somewhere new to live with the younger one going but we left after 1 month then moved to a 2 bedroom house lived there 7 months but it was to small and out in the country so moved again to a 3 bedroom but we are living where we originally did. now feel we are back to square one. we moved back here because we said we knew the area well and the kids have friends here and once they have finished uni we can move off somewhere else again. our kids have come home and they tell us about there lives and they have so much going on wheres myself and husband are still the same and nothing as changed. im really happy my kids have lives and doing well but i feel so jealous because they dont have to live here and can go off and just have themselves to think of. i want to move to where they live but my husbands job, hes a sales rep doesnt cover that area and i have said to do a different job but he said it would be a really big pay cut and not a good idea. i do not work but i am looking for something. i know i havent changed at all since the kids left and only have myself to blame. im stuck in a rut and cant seem to get out of it thou i crave change, i know i need to change badly. my dream is to live where my kids are by the sea because its so lovely and i keep thinking do i just go and find a job and try to get myself there because i know being back here will be the same as before and nothing will change but being married so long and no savings to fall back on im trapped. i dont want to be one of those people who stay in the same place and never get out. i had my first child when i was 22 and i see what my daughter has achieved and envy her because i settled to young and had my 3 kids by 25. i hardly done nothing then with my life and didnt go to college or uni and done low paid jobs because i had no skills. where do i go from here. 3 years of 50 and my life passed before my eyes with nothing to show for it. i wake up feeling down and depressed and just know nothing will ever changed and my dream to live where my kids are by the sea will never happen.

[reckoner]

I'm not sure what's going on with the thread here, but will carry on while the thoughts on this last post are fresh.

It seems to me that you have sacrificed your life for others without fully accepting it. You have done an amazing thing to bring 3 new lives to successful adulthood. That's such an incredible thing to do. I speak as a new mother, I'm in awe. But that doesn't mean they owe you anything. While living with them by the sea might be your dream, living by the sea with my mother is my idea of hell. The sea would be trapping me in. I love her but even if they love you more, I doubt they would want to feel responsible for you but your dream is making them responsible.

Your regret is that you haven't lived yourself, but even now your dream extends no further than following your kids around. It's high time for you to figure out what makes you, as an individual, in isolation from anyone else, happy. This is your time to build your own life without anyone dependent on you. You're free. The best thing you can do for your kids now is make the most of it and allow them to do the same.

Basically, you need to find some hobbies.