No idea :(

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No idea :(

Postby Confused88 » Sun Jan 29, 2017 7:59 pm

So here goes..... I've been married for 6 years and with my partner for 12. During this time we have had an excellent time and have 3 children together. We have just bought our first house and on the surface all is fine.....
Inside I am so confused...
My mother died 6 months ago and since that point I feel like I have been falling out of love with my wife. Everyday I struggle to speak to her about anything and most of the time I don't want to... its the fear that she will see what I'm feeling and it will destroy her... I still love her but I just want to be friends?!
I know this may seem paradoxical.
I just want to be by myself... but I know the pain that will cause her and the children will be immeasurable .
I don't know whether to bury my feelings and trudge on ( I am aware this could have more serious complications later on) or confront my own feelings and take the pain and suffering that i know it will cause.
Has anyone else experienced this lack of love after bereavement or am i just loosing the plot?!

****please note, there is no one else involved****
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Re: No idea :(

Postby snail » Mon Jan 30, 2017 12:24 pm

I haven't lost a parent myself but many of my friends have, and it's always hit them really hard, no matter what the circumstances. The disconnect from your family that you describe sounds like text book depression, and no wonder. Have you thought of contacting Cruse? Or does your local health service do any group therapy sessions on dealing with grief after bereavement? Otherwise, ask your GP about grief counselling or help with depression. Don't walk out of your marriage, at least not now - I really think this all about the loss you are dealing with.
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Re: No idea :(

Postby Tarantula » Mon Jan 30, 2017 3:54 pm

I agree with snail.

As you haven't mentioned any other problems, it does seem that this is entirely brought about by your grief. Don't compound your loss with even more loss. Is your wife supportive? Tell her what you need, even if that means you going away for a while. And definitely go for professional support.

Whatever you're feeling now, accept it. Don't feel guilty for wanting space. Allow yourself to feel how you feel. And, eventually, let your wife in. That's what marriage is for, I believe - having someone to weather the storm with when life hits hard.
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Re: No idea :(

Postby peecee » Mon Jan 30, 2017 4:31 pm

I’ve lost both parents, my youngest brother and my partner, and I agree 100% with Snail and Tarantula. You definitely do seem to be suffering from depression, and that is nothing to be ashamed of.

Your wife knows something is wrong, she probably takes it for granted that it is because you are still upset about your mum. But people don't always know exactly how you feel – how can they? Everybody else’s life goes on, because that’s how it has to be; you look as though you are coping, so they don't always remember that you are still grieving, or how much. Presumably your wife hasn’t lost anyone significant like a parent, so she can recognise your mood? Do you still have your father?

Cruse really are helpful and, hopefully, they or your GP might be able to find you a counsellor fairly soon (sadly, that’s not always possible). But please DO see your GP, as the others have said. If your GP does think antidepressants might help you, please listen to him. Even if you only use them as a short-term measure, they can help you get through the worst, until you feel more able to cope. Also, that is a way to start talking to your wife – “I went to my doctor today, because...”. I think you will be surprised how much help she can give you when you feel able to accept it.
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Re: No idea :(

Postby Confused88 » Mon Jan 30, 2017 7:20 pm

Thanks for the replies.

It seems strange that in all other aspects of my life everything still seems to be fine its just my feelings towards my wife. With the children everything is still fine (usual kid things).
I know this sounds pathetic but I fall under the typical male bracket which has always believed in phrases such as "suck it up buttercup" etc and for me seeing a GP is a complete failure of control over myself (please do not see this as a slight to those who do). I know this might sound weak or foolhardy but I struggle with most emotions... to put it into perspective I've been called an emotional retard most of my life. When she asked about how I feel about losing my Mother all I say is "it happens to us all, I'll be fine".
My wife is an amazing person and a better mother than anyone could wish for their children. I feel that I am holding her happiness in the palm of my hand and I can either snuff it out or release it.
I hear what your saying about letting my wife in but all I want right now is to come home and just be alone....
And that then compounds upon my guilt..my fear... of upsetting her even more.
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Re: No idea :(

Postby Country Joe » Mon Jan 30, 2017 9:35 pm

The first thing is I'm really sorry for your loss, grief can be a overwhelmingly strange emotion that can alter our whole perspective on life! It could be that you've come to some kind of realisation with regard to your wife, has this happened subsequent to your mothers passing or can you recognise any of these feelings from beforehand.
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Re: No idea :(

Postby snail » Mon Jan 30, 2017 10:30 pm

Confused88 wrote: its just my feelings towards my wife. With the children everything is still fine (usual kid things).

Yes, but when you are upset/depressed, relationships with young children or pets are still easy and actually often comforting. It's the complex adult ones that are affected. The "I just want to be alone" is such a characteristic saying of depression.

Confused88 wrote: I fall under the typical male bracket which has always believed in phrases such as "suck it up buttercup"

Well that's fine, and often helpful, with minor things, but not with major ones. Humans just don't work that way. Imagine someone broke their leg in a car accident - should they just crawl around like that for months and then have a limp for the rest of their life, and 'suck it up'? Or should they go and get medical help? Which of those two options is actually the foolish one? Broken limbs happen to everyone too (or at least to many) - doesn't mean they don't hurt and they don't need treatment.
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Re: No idea :(

Postby peecee » Mon Jan 30, 2017 11:31 pm

My dad was a rufty, tufty, bloke who never talked about himself or other important things.

Keeping this short – after our family had had a truly horrendous year (all families have them), he suddenly drove off and spent the night in a layby, crying. Drove home in the morning, still crying. Our mum got him an emergency appointment with the (female) doctor, who diagnosed him with clinical depression and gave him lots of sympathy and hankies (as well as antidepressants).

None of us had seen it coming, especially my dad. After a few days coming to terms with what had happened, he and my mum went off for a few gentle days together, and they both started to heal.

This is the abbreviated version! But I just wanted to say what everybody here is saying - there IS a time to be stubborn and proud, but there is also a time to realise that actually, you could do with a little help. And you know you don't want to keep feeling this awful? This is where you take the control that is so important to you, and do something to help yourself. You think that’s weak – I think it’s a massive step to take.

Btw - Country Joe's observations about your feelings towards your wife are very interesting, and that's another thing that will only become clear when you are feeling more stable.
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Re: No idea :(

Postby Confused88 » Tue Jan 31, 2017 6:55 pm

Thank you for all of your suggestions and advice.

I'm still not sure what I want to do and when but please know your words are comforting and I will act upon them.
I just need to swallow my pride and make a move. I will keep you up to date with what happens as and when it does.

Thanks C88
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Re: No idea :(

Postby spacegirl » Sat Feb 18, 2017 8:22 pm

We often take out our depression on those closest to us, and it is often unintentional. There is such a thing as "high-functioning depression" also. You are getting on and coping with your life and the majority of your relationships, but deep down something isn't right. It sounds like this is manifesting in your relatio ship with your wife. I know it's hard but you should speak to someone before things get worse and you end up at breaking point. Then you risk resenting your wife and those feelings spilling over into your relationships with your children, friends, colleagues etc. I understand this because I went through something similar last year. Following a miscarriage I swallowed things and went back to work and my life, pretending all was OK except I took out my depression on my husband. It all came to a head toward the end of last year when I found myself retreating into myself and being really horrible to my husband (like throwing huge tantrums, blaming him for everything etc). I've never been one to talk about my feelings but I spoke to a doctor who was so kind and understanding and now I can see the light again. Please ask for help you will feel so much better xxxxx
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