Is This Unreasonable?

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Is This Unreasonable?

Postby SnowdropFairy » Mon Feb 27, 2017 4:08 pm

Married seven years, husband is from abroad. He earns very little part-time on minimum wage. I have a professional pension, and our finances are quite limited.
Every year he gets five weeks' holiday, and every other year he spends about two thousand pounds (an enormous sum to us) and the whole five weeks on a trip to his home country to see his parents. This means that in the intervening year we get no holiday at all, as all his money is being saved for the next bi-annual trip. He also contributes only a small amount towards our household expenses, and resents even this. So on this basis, I won't have a holiday ever again. He also sends money transfers to his family fairly often, and buys lots of clothes online. I'm coming to the point where I feel we need to split up. If I try to discuss anything with him (not complaining or nagging, just bringing up any matters that need some talking) he throws a strop, sulks and/or starts shouting at me. I wonder if the difference in his culture is too much to get over. I suppose I would have to sell my house (which I own outright) and give him half if we divorced. There are no children involved fortunately. Am I being unreasonable about this situation, or should I call it a day? (I might add that I spent literally thousands in immigration fees, Marriage Visa plus Appeal, air fares to and from his country, UK Citizenship and Passport, plus driving lessons etc for him to be able to live here, and I'm now in quite a bit of debt still.)
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Re: Is This Unreasonable?

Postby Mrconfused74 » Mon Feb 27, 2017 11:44 pm

Yes culture will play a big part in this, but it seems to me he's become so use to it, that anything else seems ridiculous to him. My advice! If you decide to split get some legal advice first, you may well be able to put things into place to protect your house, and any other money you have. If not, and as you say you are in debt, which will also be joint, you may need to sell the house and downsize, use equity to pay off the debt, and if you can show he was not contributing a lot to the marriage financially this may well help you keep as much as possible. However you should be prepared to accept that you will lose something to him. Get some advice as soon as you can, and this will probably help you decide what you want to do. Although I guess if you continue in the marriage as it is, that your debt will rise, and unhappiness grow.
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Re: Is This Unreasonable?

Postby SnowdropFairy » Tue Feb 28, 2017 12:23 am

Thank you Mrconfused74, your post was very helpful. I think I do need some legal advice about the consequences of divorce in this case. I do understand my husband's wishes to see his family of origin, but feel that he should be finding more work (or a better-paid job) so that he can contribute more to our household expenses while saving for his trip home. He would find life in UK a struggle on his own with so little pay, but I can't be his keeper forever. It's all been such a waste of seven years of my life and I'm very sad. I feel I've been used by him to get UK Citizenship.
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Re: Is This Unreasonable?

Postby peecee » Tue Feb 28, 2017 6:18 pm

Hi, SnowdropFairy, and welcome to PP.

I’ve been trying to come up with a matter-of-fact response to your problem. But it’s very hard, because my younger brother married a woman from the Philippines who, after the first year of their 8-year “marriage” bled him dry; financially, emotionally, she tried to destroy his business (which funded her spending habits) and assassinate his character – my brother went through everything you have told us about in your post - times 10 - and it ended very badly indeed; but I don't want to give you all the long-winded, nasty detail at the moment, because your situation could be completely different.

What I CAN say is that you don't say anywhere in your posts that you still love your husband? It does sound as though you are ready to make the break but, even if you decide you are not, I strongly agree with Mrconfused74 that you really need to get legal advice on a way forward. I don't think for a minute that your husband will agree to anything you suggest, so you do need someone in authority to take charge.

Wishing you all the best, me dear. If you want to pm me, I’m happy to talk to you – but I don't want to take over your thread... :)
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Re: Is This Unreasonable?

Postby David020549 » Tue Feb 28, 2017 6:44 pm

Sorry to hear this story you must be so disappointed, if is any consolation many of the cross cultural marriages are difficult once the honeymoon period is over. As your husband has not contributed to the house he will have no entitlement to a share of that and as you are in debt there is little else to claim on, in fact in theory he has a share of the debt but you won't see any of that.
You do need to see a solicitor who will guide you through the formalities of a divorce, in addition you should take great care when he learns of the divorce, in some cultures a woman divorcing her husband is a great dishonor and you are making him homeless as well!.
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Re: Is This Unreasonable?

Postby SnowdropFairy » Tue Feb 28, 2017 9:25 pm

Thank you for all responses so far, some very kind and helpful words. Our relationship isn't wildly romantic or passionate, but I am very fond of him, and he of me (or so I thought) If he no longer lived with me, I think he would be able to rent a small flat in the area and continue working. I would probably let him have the car (I have my own) At the start when we first met, he was very vulnerable here. He spoke no English (I speak his language fluently) had literally only what he stood up in and knew nothing about Western culture. His family in his homeland are desperately poor. I do feel I have helped him to find his feet, taught him English and assisted him with driving lessons and all the tests required here for Citizenship etc, and helped him find the job. We have been able to aid his huge family too. I do understand that in his culture, women are not seen as equals or have much status, so this contributes to his attitude towards me. If I divorced him, my conscience would be clear as I really feel I've done my very best. I agree that seeing a solicitor is the best way forward. So very kind of you all to reply with your advice. Thank you again.
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Re: Is This Unreasonable?

Postby Mrconfused74 » Wed Mar 01, 2017 2:49 pm

Contributing to the house doesn't always need to be in the form of financially, so don't think this means that your husband will have no entitlement to any part of the sale of your property, as David suggested, he has lived there and as such will have an entitlement, but any solicitor that knows what they are doing will be able to best tell you worse case scenario. But please from what you say, you have made up your mind to leave, so get everything in place to try and make it as quick as possible. If as you say you have debt you need to clear, then a lengthy legal battle will only eat into any money you make.
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Re: Is This Unreasonable?

Postby SnowdropFairy » Wed Mar 01, 2017 6:08 pm

That is the problem Mrconfused74. A divorce would cost quite a large sum of money. I would hope we could amicably separate for a year or two, then apply for a divorce later which would involve no contention. By then, I may have paid off a proportion of my debts and would be in a better position to pay for the legal costs. It's such a shame as he has a very nice, comfortable life here with me, and might find living alone in a small rented place difficult. But I don't feel I want to waste any more of my life like this. It's as if we aren't a team but two people lodging together, except his contributions are minimal. He has enough English now to get by, and knows about life in UK, unlike when he first arrived. I think he'd be all right, and of course later he may find another lady to take him in!
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Re: Is This Unreasonable?

Postby Mrconfused74 » Wed Mar 01, 2017 7:21 pm

I see, but at least investigate how much it would be or other options, and then you can make the best decision. And although you've been married for a while, it is now time to think about yourself and not him. I'm sure you've told him how you feel, and I'm sure he's not stupid enough to know things aren't right. But you need to do what's right for you, and not worry about him. As you say he has a lot more going for him now than when you first met, so it should t be hard for him to get back on his feet. Good luck.
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Re: Is This Unreasonable?

Postby David020549 » Thu Mar 02, 2017 8:43 pm

Snowdrop, sorry I got that wrong I was mixing up business property with marriage property, the reality is that the court will have to decide what is a fair settlement regardless of who owns what.
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Re: Is This Unreasonable?

Postby SnowdropFairy » Thu Mar 02, 2017 11:15 pm

I think you're right David; they'll probably look in detail at what my husband has contributed (very little over the seven years!) and how much I have spent on his behalf. I believe the duration of the marriage is taken into account, and the fact that there are no children to be factored in. Fortunately I have kept records of all expenses, money transfers to his family (they total over £10,000) and other costs. Also, since he has work and can support himself, I doubt whether they would ask me to pay him maintenance, especially as I live on a pension not a salary. I have to add, I think it's perfectly reasonable of him to want to see his family, especially as his parents are old. But if he wishes to travel there every two years, he must start to increase his earnings to fund it. And I would have liked him to have helped me more with our household bills and outgoings. He has eaten very well under my care, and his health has improved enormously since his arrival. Such a shame that it isn't working out, but I must, as Mrconfused74 says, do what's right for myself, as my happiness is important too. At least I shall have the satisfaction of knowing I have helped him to obtain a much better life, and have done some good. That means a lot to me.
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Re: Is This Unreasonable?

Postby thething » Fri Mar 17, 2017 10:41 pm

seriously, don't take this the wrong way but, that sounds normal for someone living outside of their mother country. apart from the earnings bit. he needs to get more cash flow into the house and things would (have) be (been) different? Have you met his family? are they poor? i think of myself as poor even though i have around 3'500 gbp coming in every month...i still feel poor but im not, not compared to others.
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Re: Is This Unreasonable?

Postby Minna » Thu Apr 06, 2017 2:58 am

You say "I feel I've been used by him to get UK Citizenship."

I'm so sorry, but I think this sums him up completely. Cut your losses and seek professional help as soon as you can. Good luck in your future away from this scheming man.
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