Feelings for boss

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Feelings for boss

Postby Happy2020 » Thu Jul 20, 2017 7:34 pm

Hi all, I'm married and so is my boss. We both have children. I work quite closely with him (I'm 38 and he is in his late 40's). I started working for the company over a year ago and ever since I started working for him I have felt a sexual chemistry that I've never ever felt with anyone. I love my husband but our marriage is sexless and when we do do it, I am never truly satisfied. Recently, I've been out to conferences with my boss where he guides me by the shoulders and acts playfully with me. I've also caught him staring at my legs and chest on numerous occasions. I went to a party with him a while back and he made sure we went for drinks alone before and left early in order to have a drink alone after the party. During our time alone we had deep conversations and he was acting very playful by playing hand games with me. I don't normally act so overtly sexual but with him I cannot help it. I really fancy him and I know it's wrong. On so many levels. Do you think I should look for another job? I don't think I'll be able to hide my feelings for much longer and it is having a bad impact on my own relationship with my husband (which has always been rocky but is now worse). Please try not to be too judgemental and realise that I know the moral situation here. I just cannot help these feelings.
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Re: Feelings for boss

Postby reckoner » Thu Jul 20, 2017 9:30 pm

Let's say you stay where you are: this is the kind of thing I see happening. Your feelings will get more intense until something physical happens. You'll find yourself falling in love. This will be fun for a while, then some situation at work will make things awkward, either just between you two, or because colleagues will have noticed. He has kids so I think it highly unlikely that he'll split his family up for you, especially if you have your own kids to bring into the situation, which will be a buzzkill for him (as perhaps his kids will be for you). You'll start feeling resentful at the time he doesn't spend with you. He's in his late 40s and has been flirting since you joined so who knows how many others he's done this with before you. He'll likely be more experienced with the hazards of this situation than you and, being your boss, his job is probably more secure than yours. So at every juncture, I think you're going to be significantly more vulnerable as a result of this than him. As well as your emotional wellbeing, you are jeapordising your professional credibility. Don't risk your career prospects just because you're in an unhappy marriage. This could easily be the start of losing everything. Quit while you're vaguely ahead. This situation is poison.
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Re: Feelings for boss

Postby reckoner » Thu Jul 20, 2017 10:14 pm

P.S. You're going to need a reference from this workplace at some point. The longer you stay, the more you'll need one. A good one will be easier to get if things haven't turned messy with your boss.
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Re: Feelings for boss

Postby Happy2020 » Fri Jul 21, 2017 5:09 am

Thank you so much reckoner. I agree, the situation is not good and thank you for your detailed advice. I will do my best to put the brakes on now. Problem is how do I curb the feelings? Thanks xxxx
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Re: Feelings for boss

Postby reckoner » Fri Jul 21, 2017 10:48 am

Lol, yes that is the hard bit! I totally understand that feelings happen out of control, as if there's nothing you can do about it. The reality, though, is that you do have to do something about it. You have to take control.

It's the ages old story, a biblical one even, of resisting temptation. When you're in the throes of temptation, it seems to consume you, like you're living in a bubble and everything else recedes into the background. But should you cross the line from unsatisfied wife to adulterer, and realise your boss is not an exciting thrill but a cheating home wrecker, this will be the time you wish you could have back.

Because these feelings for him are not really real. Your boss is like a bucket that you're pouring all your dissatisfaction with your husband into. He's providing you with the sense that you're a sexual woman that your husband isn't. But it's fantasy, just distraction from the more mundane realities of life. The bubble will burst, you'll see things for how they really are and wonder how you didn't see it before.

Even if it doesn't feel like it, you do have choices here and you know what the right one is. You still have a chance to prevent a lot of hurt. I think that's the way you have to try to see it. Good luck.
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Re: Feelings for boss

Postby Happy2020 » Fri Jul 21, 2017 11:29 am

Wow, your advice is amazing. Thank you so much for taking the time out to help me. I really appreciate it. You are totally right, it is consuming everything i do. It makes me angry that he has this power over me. I recall one conversation with him where he said that he could make me cry if he wanted to. I am slightly resentful that he has this control over my emotions and I think he know I like him. Thank you again. I will try to refocus my energy.
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Re: Feelings for boss

Postby reckoner » Fri Jul 21, 2017 11:47 am

He said... What?? Happy, this guy is a serious creep! He is clearly very much enjoying this position of power over you. I think the only reason you're not seeing it so far is because he's been lavishing attention on you and you have been experiencing an attention deficit in your marriage. But if he likes the idea of making you cry 'if he wants to', imagine what more he'll enjoy if he's aiming to be your boss as well as lover. Red flags flying everywhere, both love and work. The niceness is already slipping, you're on the verge of big trouble here. You really need a different job, this is sounding more like harassment than anything else. Your feelings are being exploited.

(No need to thank, only glad if it helps x)
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Re: Feelings for boss

Postby Happy2020 » Fri Jul 21, 2017 12:46 pm

I've never thought of it like that! Perhaps because I've been wearing rose tinted glasses. He normally comes over stares down my top or sits down on the floor near my desk and gets v close. To be honest I was initially flattered by this but now I see how insecure I must be. I think he also changes my signature on my work phone to a rude message. Luckily I saw this and changed it before I sent out any emails. I can't be sure it was him that did this but I suspect he may have because it happened after he tried to help me set up work emails. He also tries to take me shopping with him, for him! He's never actually complimented so I sometimes think he just likes playing mind games with me.ohhhh, finding another job is probably the right idea but it's so hard moving.
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Re: Feelings for boss

Postby reckoner » Fri Jul 21, 2017 9:59 pm

Let's imagine you were happy in your marriage and had no interest in the attention of another man. How would you feel then about your boss's focus on your chest? How do you think your husband would feel about it? How do you think your boss would react if you said "I'm not comfortable with your behaviour"?

Everything you are describing about your boss's behaviour is WILDLY inappropriate for the workplace. I think if you were happy at home, you wouldn't need to be told that. You'd have rejected his behaviour already. But so far you've allowed it and, arguably, encouraged it. So what happens now if you decide to reject it? Is he going to relinquish the power he has over you right now just like that? Or might he punish you somehow, using his role as your boss to do so? Do you really want to find out?

If you put a frog in boiling water, it will struggle like mad to escape. But if you put it in cold water and slowly heat the water up, the frog won't recognise that the water is boiling until it's too late. Please recognise the temperature of the water you're in.
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Re: Feelings for boss

Postby Happy2020 » Fri Jul 21, 2017 10:26 pm

Understood, when I see it all in words, I can see how absurd the situation is. I need to get through the day to day whilst looking for another job. I can't avoid him completely but I will do my best. I must admit a lot of this is also my fault, I started wearing tight figure enhancing clothing to work as my desire for him grew and I don't think that helped. I also flirted and acted silly with him. I am just as bad. Thank you for response and valued advice. You sound like a professional Reckoner!
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Re: Feelings for boss

Postby reckoner » Fri Jul 21, 2017 10:35 pm

Hey, you're not "just as bad" as him. Perhaps you have been naive, but you're not a predator, which he is, as far as I'm concerned. Get yourself out of this situation, then we'll know how effective I've been! All the best xx
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Re: Feelings for boss

Postby David020549 » Sat Jul 22, 2017 1:01 pm

Reading this thread as it unfolded it seems to me that it is six of one and half a dozen of the other, you have both been over friendly with each other. When you noticed him taking an interest you you didn't cover up and going to conferences with him only encouraged him further as did hand games.

As nothing has happened you do have two choices, obviously leave and find another job, but it maybe a good position and another may not be easy to find, also explaining to your husband why you are leaving may be difficult. The alternative is make a definite change in dress style, brush him off if he tries to be too familiar and keep the chat strictly business like, see how it goes you can always change job later if you are not comfortable.
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Re: Feelings for boss

Postby Happy2020 » Sat Jul 22, 2017 5:01 pm

Thank you for your advice David. I guess I was enjoying the attention so much I just wanted it to keep going. It has got to the point where I can smell his new aftershave and notice his new clothes. It doesn't help that we both start work very early and are often the only ones there in the morning. It is a good job and finding another just as good will be hard and he will definately resent me for it and perhaps make things difficult for me. I am so glad i didn't humiliate myself by making a move on him. I know he thinks I will. I have thought about telling my husband about it as this might put it all into reality.
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Re: Feelings for boss

Postby David020549 » Sat Jul 22, 2017 7:52 pm

NO do NOT tell your husband anything there are some things best kept to yourself and your feelings for other men is at the top of the list.
Nothing happened, he will immediately be suspicious of your every move from then on, it's called politics, don't open that can of worms.
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Re: Feelings for boss

Postby Happy2020 » Sat Jul 22, 2017 8:05 pm

Ok David, thank you. I will not say a thing. I've brought some wine and chocolate and will focus on my own husband today and then take each day as it comes. I underestimated the power of attraction. From getting me to help him with his tie to telling me intimate details of his childhood had led me to believe that he thinks I'm special. I'll let you know how I get on.
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