Feelings for boss

[Happy2020]

So, day one of my attempt to dilute the feelings. I wore a fleece over my smart dress and dark tights to cover my legs. He did come over to my desk and kneel on the floor next to my desk again but apart from that he was just friendly and didn't say anything that would make me think twice. So far so good.

[Happy2020]

Hi guys,
After a week at work and trying to control my feelings by not flirting and making excuses to talk to him, I've realised that it's not him with the problem, it's me! I think I've been imagining everything as he is acting normal and I am the one hurting and feeling confused inside. How do I make these feelings go away? I'm beginning to think I need to move jobs as no matter how hard I try not to think about him, I do. Every song I listen to makes me think of him. I feel like a fool and I don't think it helps me still working there. Is changing jobs the best option? I am beginning to feel like I'm infatuated with him and it is not nice.

[reckoner]

Hi Happy, thanks for the update!

From everything you've said, I doubt the whole thing has been in your head. My reading of it is that he was being flirtatious, you encouraged it, and he'd have happily run through your green light. Now that you've stopped encouraging him, he's stopped pushing it.

When you first posted, I didn't understand / pick up on how much you were encouraging his behaviour, and was concerned that he was going to abuse his position, which is why I initially advised you to look for another job. But if he is only being forward and inappropriate with you while you encourage it with your clothing and behaviour, and stops when you stop, then the situation seems pretty safe, from a professional point of view. I guess you'll know that for sure when/if he gives you an appraisal and it's all entirely professional.

If that's the case, you only have your own feelings to worry about and I think they're more easily managed than perhaps it seems right now. Firstly, just keep doing what you've been doing this week. The less you engage with him non-professionally, the more routine it will become for you. More importantly, though, you need to focus more on the situation that has caused all this: your marriage. Otherwise, crushes on other guys might just keep happening, wherever you work.

I think this work infatuation has been an escape from the home situation and you need to bring your attention back there. Do you have any holiday due? I think you could do with some time away from the office to focus on your husband and family. We should make this conversation about him and your family rather than your boss. What would it take to make you happy in your marriage?

[Happy2020]

As it happens, I'm off in two weeks time and intend to take my children somewhere. My husband works long hours and is rarely at home so I always feel lonely. He knows this and is trying to change his job which isn't easy. I sometimes feel depressed about my situation and helpless when faced with the kids homework, home chores and a full time job. To make things worse we are just making ends meet (even with both of us working full time). I sometimes feel resentful of my situation and wish I could escape but I love my children too much. Me and my husband argue about money and other things. It seems as though we are hamsters running on a wheel but getting nowhere. I guess the boss was a form of escapism from my own life and has ended up being an unhealthy infatuation.

[reckoner]

I'm sure there are families everywhere who relate very strongly to your last post. With work and family commitments, life is hard work and entirely draining. It's no wonder you might seek an escape in the form of an infatuation at work where you can ignore the realities of all those commitments.

I think the problem with family and kids is that husband and wife can stop seeing each other as individuals, and more for how smoothly they keep the machinery of life turning. I think you have to force a way to spend time with each other to keep things between you alive. If you don't see much of him, that makes things particularly hard, especially if you're left with all the domestic responsibilities.

You've said he's trying to find another job, so it seems he is aware of the problems for you. But going on holiday with the kids and not him to make it a proper family holiday emphasises to me the distance between you. On a positive note, though, and practicalities aside, it does seem better if the problem is his absence rather than his presence.

Given that jobs are hard to change, how confident are you that, if he can do that, you could make a good team together? Are there also problems to do with personality? I think there is a big difference between problems in a marriage to do with circumstance, as you've described so far, and compatibility.

[Happy2020]

Thank you for your advice. I'm not sure whether the problem would go away if he changed jobs. At the moment we only spend one day together (Sunday) and we end up arguing. It's not good for the kids and it's mentally and physically draining. I've asked him to come to relate with me but he keeps on refusing, saying we don't need help and that I should just learn to stop being so stubborn. I am stubborn but I'm also confident and don't like being bossed around by him.

[reckoner]

I feel for you. It sounds like an exhausting situation, especially if your husband is putting the responsibility on you for the problems, for being stubborn. Sounds like an uncompromising stance he's taken.

I can understand why you don't have the energy or time (and perhaps belief?) to focus on setting things right but, as you say, it's bad for the kids as well as the both of you, so it seems like you really do need to do something about it, otherwise the situation will just carry on, and I think you'll be even more vulnerable to retreating into fantasies with your boss, or anyone else who gives you the attention you're not getting from your husband. Your kids only have you to show then what a good relationship is like.

You said in your original post that you do still love him. Is it possible, on one Sunday, to have the kids looked after by someone else, either lunch or dinner, so you can go out just the two of you, just to talk about things? You'd both have to agree to do everything in your power to not argue and to listen to each other as well as talk. Or maybe, rather than talk things over, you could just use the time to relax with one another. Whichever seems best but you have to practise communicating without arguing. If you can recover the fondness you've had for each other in the past, it could provide the foundation for improving your sex life.

[Happy2020]

Thank you for your advice. You sound so wise. I have asked my in laws to have the kids this Sunday and we will go out to lunch together. Fingers crossed

[reckoner]

Good luck! Hope it goes well, let us know if you can.

[Happy2020]

Hi all, i managed to enjoy my date night with my husband this weekend and we enjoyed a bottle of wine whilst watching a film afterwards. I'm taking each day as it comes and so far so good. My boss is still making lewd comments and my responses are now short and curt as opposed to girly laughter. He has not seemed to have noticed yet.

[reckoner]

Thanks for the update, sounds like real progress, good for you! Really hope you guys can work it out.

Your boss sounds like such a sleaze to me, but I guess it'll take time for him to get used to your new attitude.

Good luck on both counts, keep us posted if you can

[Happy2020]

I had a relapse today, he called me into his office and stared at my chest whilst talking to me (just a glance but enough for me to notice). He also asked me to recommend some albums to him and text him the info. Also, he came up to my desk in an open plan office and said 'can you come into my office I want to show you something' and he then proceeded to talk about work that didn't really need me there sitting in his office (he could have emailed it to me). When I left work, he followed me to the car park. We have also been invited to a party in September which is a black tie event in Southampton and so we will have to stay the night. I know I should have declined but the words didn't come out and deep down I'm worried about upsetting him or missing opportunities to meet other influential people. Also, if I'm absolutely honest, i felt something for him and now I'm angry with myself for taking a backwards step. Truth is I don't think I can deal with the situation ( even though nothing has happened). I think finding a new job is my only option and the sooner the better.

[snail]

The overnight event does sound very risky. Is there any chance you could get one of the grandparents to babysit, and take your husband with you? Even if he can't attend the actual event he would get a night away and you would be protected from yourself.

[Happy2020]

I've asked my husband to attend stating that we could spend a night together without the kids, but he isn't keen on the idea and wants to stay with the kids. I might end up telling him the truth but I'm scared he'll blame me for flirting. Today was not v nice at work, I was completely ignored . It seems to be getting more confusing by the day.

[reckoner]

I agree that, in the long run, it's probably best for you to get a new job. But given that that is likely to take time, I think you need to take a deep breath and look at the positives so far:

1. You have maintained a new attitude at work for over two weeks now.
2. It appears to be working. I think your relapse last week was down to tactics on your boss's part to investigate your new attitude and your remaining feelings made you vulnerable, but it seems you held firm, in which case good for you. Remember that being ignored is a good thing, think of your kids when it makes you feel bad.
3. Your language seems much more focused since you decided to take the situation in hand. Even if the feelings are still there, it's only been two weeks so give yourself a break.

Keep your eye on the prize: you want to get out of this situation with your mental wellbeing, professional prospects and marriage in a healthy state. You're doing well, hang in there! If you can manage this situation, and your boss takes the hint and backs off, maybe you won't need to upheave to a new job.