Is my best friend, the Man I Love, Playing Games with me?

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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Is my best friend, the Man I Love, Playing Games with me?

Postby Sunshinesun82 » Tue Feb 27, 2018 9:29 am

About a year and a half ago I met at work my today’s very best male friend (42 years old, I am 35). He is everything I like, and I rarely find someone I like, we became terrific friends quickly, started going out (only the 2 of us) very often, talking on the phone every day, met his family, he met mine, etc.

About two months after we met, I told him I wanted to try to be more than just friends; he replied saying that he was not at the right place with his mind to start a relationship because he was still struggling with his depression, but did say, maybe one day! I never said I was in love with him because I wasn’t.

We became even closer as friends, as he started to open up to myself a lot more. A lot of people assume that we are going out or like each other because we are so close.

Once more, eight months or so into the friendship, I said to him that I needed some distance because I was confused about his feeling towards me. He took me to meet his parents, close family, close friends, was doing much more than the ordinary very good opposite sex friend would do. I told him that he was stringing me along instead of being more open and say that he wanted something with me. Again, I did not say that I was in love with him because I was not sure about my feeling, but I did like him a lot and was open to trying.

He responded that he was not ready still, but would adore me, I am a very dear friend. I always said I liked him a lot; he always said the same back. Since I am trying to see him as a brother, but it’s been hard!

A few weeks ago he told me that he started talking with an ex-girlfriend, but now they were just friends, that she was seeing someone else and that she had feelings for this someone. This last relationship of his was very short; she split up with him because she wanted to get pregnant soon but he didn’t want a child.

I was not able to cope with him talking about her anymore and told him that I wanted to avoid this conversation because it was causing me a lot of pain and I didn’t wish to mess up our friendship. I finally said that I had feelings towards him.

He was sweet and kind, explained to me that he was still feeling in love with her since they started talking again, and he said that he realized why he could not open his heart to anyone else. He wanted to try again with her.

Then I told him that I was sure that she never really liked him, etc. (because of many things he told me). He said that he would open his heart to her, just like I did to him, tell her his feelings so he could get a clear response from her, either way. And perhaps it would help him move on with his romantic life.

So, he did, and the obvious happened, she said that she is in love with this new guy and she wants to try with this other guy, it was a no.

Now, I am quite confused again, he doesn’t look distraught, for someone that is heartbroken, he is incredibly kind to me.

My question is, could he be making up this “event” of talking to her, to continue to string me along, or now have an excuse to make a move on me?

Or could he be just be telling me the truth? I just find it all a little too surreal, that he could be still in love with this woman after three years (no relationship since), going to tell her about his feelings, doing what I have just done to him (only one week apart).

I wanted this to work, in fact, a couple of times he did said how “deep” our friendship is, and the best couples usually come from best friends, that he never had this with anyone in his life.

I am puzzled because I liked him but assumed that when I declared my feelings, at last, he would take the next step.

He is a 43-year-old adult; he shouldn’t be playing with my feelings! He is a beautiful person that I don’t want out of my life, but I am struggling to move on with my personal life because I am in love with him and hope that he is also in love with me but taking his time due to his depression or whatever reason.

I might be overthinking this, but I’m a woman, so that’s natural, ha, ha.

Any comments about his feelings towards me are very welcome!
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Re: Is my best friend, the Man I Love, Playing Games with me

Postby David020549 » Tue Feb 27, 2018 6:57 pm

I have to say that I wouldn't be discussing my feelings about another woman with my current girlfriend, maybe he is playing games, but he may be just being open and honest about it. As for not being upset that she didn't want him, men are used to being rejected we don't usually show emotion.

You have been together for 18 months that is a very short time, for whatever reason he does not want a greater commitment at present and there could be many reasons for that. There are plenty of couples that live together happy that they just enjoy each other's company. Your difficulty is that if you show your resentment at him not progressing the relationship, he will find you less attractive, if you really like him be patient, involve yourself as much as you can in his life.
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Re: Is my best friend, the Man I Love, Playing Games with me

Postby Mackymoo » Wed Feb 28, 2018 8:23 am

Hi Sunshinesun82!

I really feel for you - heartache is extremely unpleasant.

From an outsiders point of view, it sounds like he is stringing you along. Without knowing you both it's hard to tell, but as painful as this may be for you to hear, it does sound to me like he's not interested. He wants to keep you close though and doesn't want anyone else to have you. Maybe he likes the feeling of knowing someone has deep feelings for him like you do.

It could be that he's just not ready, but if so that should be made clear and he needs to tell you where you stand. It's not fair to keep you hanging on and emotionally stuck whilst you're just waiting for him to make up his mind.

Personally I think you need to take some time away from the friendship. You and your feelings matter. Taking some time away gives you some time to work on you, build yourself back up and learn how to move on with your personal life. It's not fair for you to be stuck. If it is ever going to become a relationship, it will when the times right. Tell him you still have feelings for him and still being friends and not knowing where you stand with him is painful for you. In my experience in the past with a fairly similar situation, a month down the line I was flooded texts and phone calls from someone who had previously been stringing me along.

I hope you can get some answers and be able to move forward in one way or another.
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Re: Is my best friend, the Man I Love, Playing Games with me

Postby Sunshinesun82 » Wed Feb 28, 2018 1:49 pm

Hi All,

Verry important - he is super shy, has trouble starting anything with girls, he is very sensitive, did say to me that he had many problems with being rejected in the past, took 5 years to get over his first girlfriend, has assumed just now that he realised that he has always been ashamed to declare his feelings to someone - he assumed just now that there it is something he needs to work on. I am on the chubby side (but very pretty face) and he is very skinny. His main work with his therapist is on his self-esteem, he has big issues. His father, two brothers and some of his friends were bullies.
Does the above info make any difference?
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Re: Is my best friend, the Man I Love, Playing Games with me

Postby snail » Wed Feb 28, 2018 5:35 pm

It's no surprise you've thought about this an awful lot, going over and over various things in your mind. But to be honest, from an outsider's perspective, when you wrote "is it this, it might be that, or could it be that" I just thought - it doesn't matter, because he doesn't have serious intentions towards you. I'm afraid I do think that he is wasting your time - I agree precisely with Mackymoo's post.

Sunshinesun82 wrote:... Started going out (only the 2 of us) very often, talking on the phone every day... He took me to meet his parents, close family, close friends, was doing much more than the ordinary very good opposite sex friend would do.

Sunshinesun82 wrote:He replied saying that he was not at the right place with his mind to start a relationship because he was still struggling with his depression, but did say, maybe one day!

Sunshinesun82 wrote:I said to him that I needed some distance because I was confused about his feeling towards me... He responded that he was not ready still, but would adore me, I am a very dear friend.

Sunshinesun82 wrote: a couple of times he did said how “deep” our friendship is, and the best couples usually come from best friends, that he never had this with anyone in his life.

Sunshinesun82 wrote:He explained to me that he was still feeling in love with her since they started talking again, and he said that he realized why he could not open his heart to anyone else. He wanted to try again with her.... He said that he would open his heart to her, just like I did to him.


This doesn't sound to me like someone who cares about your wellbeing. This sounds like someone who is happy to mess you around and who doesn't care particularly how much pain it causes you or how much of your time they waste. Be wary when people say they can't be in a relationship because of depression, because they were bullied by their father, or because they are still in love with their ex's brother's cousin's budgerigar or whatever, but who then continue to behave as though you are together - while there's generally a grain of truth in the story, it's usually just a way of getting exactly what they want without any obligations. They get to behave how they like, are free to do anything they like with anyone else, and you can't complain about it because they "did tell you they weren't sure!".

I agree that you should take a step back from this friendship now, and try to find other people to spend time with. 18 months isn't that long to know someone really and I imagine you've been a bit starry-eyed most of that time. I suspect that with time you will come to feel this guy is not really as nice as he seemed.
These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb.

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Re: Is my best friend, the Man I Love, Playing Games with me

Postby stephie2 » Fri Mar 02, 2018 9:31 am

I too would take a step back. He has feelings for someone else and is keeping you hanging just so that he has someone to fall back on when it doesn't go right (which by the sounds of things it wont).

Start to go out and do your own thing and let him see what he is missing out of. If he cares then he will commit. If not move on with your life.
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