How to stop this 10 years on?

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chosenfew
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How to stop this 10 years on?

Post by chosenfew » Sat Aug 18, 2018 10:33 am

Hi.

I used to post on this site many years ago about my partner being abusive. Our children ended up on the child protection register due to his violence and I managed to get away from him after 6 years. After this time, he was still controlling me. I stupidly decided to stay friends with him for the sake of the children and was single for 3 years. He'd know my whereabouts 24/7 as if I wanted to go out, hed be the one id ask to have the children as I had no one else. On weekends he had them he'd still question me about what id been doing and accuse me of sleeping with different men weekly. As I know the type of person he is I was scared to cut ties as he's a nasty piece of work .

I finally met someone new in 2017 and my ex found out. From This point, he went in to a rage. He started rumours that my new partner was a woman beater and even went as far as ringing social services, after all the kids had been through. The next step he took was to take me to court for full custody of my boys. All as I'd moved on. Luckily the past abuse was documented and the judge and cafcass seen through him. He didn't get full custody but the usual every other weekend.

I reported each thing that happened to the police and the CPS didn't decide to do anything about it as each thing he did, hed have an explanation for and they believed his lies.

Court was finalised in March 2018. I knew this wouldn't be the last of him as it never is.

It was agreed in court that contact was to be at his family friends as I wanted him nowhere near me. Turns out that he'd be there each time watching me, even tho he should not have been so I refused to go and he spoke to my partner who advised that contact would be at the top of my road and the boys would run fine houses down where my partner would be waiting for them..

Again this went well until 8th Aug when I was sat waiting for the kids and they didn't show up. Turns out that my ex had decided in his own head that contact was back at the family friends but he had not informed me about this and the boys were left waiting for 30 minutes and then dropped off not at mine but at my mum's house!! He knew I'd be in so he could have easily dropped them here as I live in the next road to her.

We have a brick phone for contact which is meant for emergencies etc as I don't wish to have contact with my ex and yday there was a message saying for me to drop the kids off. As I refuse to do this I said no, he is to pick them up. The text continued and so did the games of him trying to wind me up saying I'm obsessed with him?! All I want to do is move on and get him out my life. I ended up texting telling him to either be there at 10 or he doesn't have them as I wasn't putting myself as risk going the family friends and then I switched the phone off.

I spent the night anxious, as I have now been for years, waiting for his next move. I didn't sleep wondering if he would turn up and not wanting to switch the phone on to a whole loads of abuse. Luckily he turned up.

My question is, how am I going to Stop this? I can't put up with his games for another 10 years. I thought court would have sorted him out as he paid 7k to take me there but it hasn't.

I feel so depressed at the thought of him trying to control me and constantly trying to cause trouble. I cannot deal with this any more.

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Re: How to stop this 10 years on?

Post by David020549 » Sun Aug 19, 2018 9:13 am

My deepest sympathy there are a great many women in your situation with an abusive man who has access rights to the children, quite often their main aim in life is to make your life as difficult and unpleasant as possible. You could go back to court but he will make his excuses, promise to obey instructions and gradually go back to causing trouble, there is no way to stop this low level emotional abuse while he has access rights to the children. If he was physically violent he would eventually get jailed, he knows that, so just uses any other way to make your life miserable.

While the children are with you he will probably continue, you say you have a new partner ( living with you?) so you have that security and support, although that probably makes him more determined to be difficult. Other women in desperation have actually let their ex have his way and when the children are older given them up to him, moved away and started a new life entirely. Do bear in mind when children, boys in particular, are older, he can apply to court for custody, if you are suffering from depression or having treatment for any kind of mental disorder he will use that against you, so you do need to be really strong and determined yourself.

Really sorry I cannot be more positive.

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Re: How to stop this 10 years on?

Post by chosenfew » Sun Aug 19, 2018 8:13 pm

Hi David.

Thank you for your reply.

I thought this would be that case and it's sad to say for not only me but the children.

There is no way I would bow down to him and give him the children at any time in their lives. I couldn't see them being brought up by him and his low life family.

He's failed once at full custody and he will continue to fail.

I am not on medication for depression but I was when j was with him and he played on this. I think he still plays on my mental state now and knows how to bring me down and the only thing that gets to me is the kids and that's why he tried for full custody, and lost.

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Re: How to stop this 10 years on?

Post by David020549 » Sun Aug 19, 2018 10:14 pm

Glad to hear you're a fighter, make sure you keep a diary week by week listing all the hassle he gives you, if you can record what is said all the better, it's fairly easy to do discretely with memory chips. You may need it as evidence in the future, if not you will have the satisfaction that you can reveal his true character.

Good Luck

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Re: How to stop this 10 years on?

Post by boulding » Mon Aug 20, 2018 10:30 am

Hi

He sounds just horrible.

If the former violence is documented and you are providing a stable home for the children there's no way he can get custody so I think you should put that worry right out of your mind.

If a neutral venue has been agreed at Court and this is in the Order or forms part of an Undertaking to the Court then you need to keep to this or you put yourself in the wrong and weaken your position. Stay in the car. Let the children out cheerfully and quickly, lock the doors and then as soon as they are through the front door speed off. Don't even make eye contact with him.

Don't even look at the messages on the phone. Let your partner check for a real "emergency" but otherwise ignore it. Make sure you keep the messages however because if he does embark on a "course of conduct" intended to put you in "alarm or distress" then the Police can act under the Harassment law.

The best way to deal with any bully is not to respond or react in any way. If he's not getting any result or pay back from his behaviour he will eventually get bored and move on to another victim.

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Re: How to stop this 10 years on?

Post by Tarantula » Mon Aug 20, 2018 10:52 am

100% agree with boulding.

You must not allow this drama to unfold to any extent whatsoever. Don't get sucked into the games, don't try to 'win', don't try to get your points across, never argue, never give him the effort it takes to text back anything that is not strictly essential.

You have to build strong boundaries or he will continue to ruin your life.

What does your new partner make of all this?

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Re: How to stop this 10 years on?

Post by chosenfew » Mon Aug 20, 2018 5:24 pm

Hi.

Thank you all for your replies.

He has ready taken me to court for full custody and lost so I am not too worried about that. Just want him out of my life.

I am keeping everything documented in a book of times and dates but this has been no good for me up to now as last time he was interviewed by the police about it all, he had also done the same but with lies and the CPS believed him even though the police know our past. I emailed them to ask them to look at it again but they were not interested.

I can drop the boys off still at the family friends as what you say is a great idea but it's when picking them up, I have to knock to collext them as she lives in a flat and it's then he's there also. If the court see it was wrong that I was trying to keep myself safe by not going there then I will have to just take that but for now there is No way I will be going to hers.

My new partner hates him, as you can imagine. My ex made up lies about him being a woman beater and it was proven in court this was a lie. He wants to rip is head off when he sees what hes doing to me but where will that get us? =;

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Re: How to stop this 10 years on?

Post by David020549 » Tue Aug 21, 2018 7:31 am

Be very carefull not to wind your new partner up so much that he does something silly, he is your security, he is important, the police will take action if there is physical violence, if it's just intimidation and harassment you are on your own. So you need to be calm and not try to score points.

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Re: How to stop this 10 years on?

Post by reckoner » Tue Aug 21, 2018 11:12 am

chosenfew wrote:Just want him out of my life.


I'm afraid I can't add much to the excellent and practical advice that has already been given, except to say that wanting him out of your life, while obviously understandable, seems entirely unrealistic. This wish seems a bit like rubbing salt in the wound - it's impossible and so can only cause further upset, and maybe undermines the huge advance you have made, which is to have found happiness with someone else. David's last post is important with regard to your new partner.

I think you need to alter your perception of the pay-off in the situation: it isn't to get him out of your life - he's the father of your children and you can't change that. But if you follow the advice already given and not let this poison infect your happiness with your partner, you can counter his shocking behaviour with your own excellent behaviour. This will show your children that loving relationships do exist, that it's possible to behave with dignity even in the most trying of circumstances, and that although their father is a terrible role model, their mother is an excellent one. The only way they can reach this conclusion is for you to demonstrate it so that, in time, they can understand it for themselves - this, I think, is the real pay-off.

Very best wishes.

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Re: How to stop this 10 years on?

Post by chosenfew » Tue Aug 21, 2018 8:57 pm

Hi.

Thanks for your reply.

I do not wind me partner up at all. He sees first hand what this is doing to me as he's been with me 19 months and my ex started his games 16 months ago. He's the one who has the phone so gets the abuse off him, as he thinks he's messaging me. Trust me, if he was going to do something 'silly hed have done it by now.

I don't score points and never have done. I'm 31 and my boys are 7 and 9 and if I wanted to truly score points and in fact win, id stop their dad seeing them as 100s of women do in my situation but I never have done that, even during the worst times.

It's hard not to let the poison infect my happiness when it's 10 years in and he's still there trying to ruin me. He does effect it with my new partner, we're stronger than that as a partnership and the more he tries to split us, the more we stay together but unfortunately it's about the children and the games he plays in regards to and through them to get at me.

Thanks

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Re: How to stop this 10 years on?

Post by Tarantula » Wed Aug 22, 2018 12:51 pm

Hang on, if you're in a position to prevent your ex from having contact with your kids, who you've said he uses to get at you, and who you've mentioned are on the register because of his violent behaviour.... why aren't you doing that? Not to win, but for their safety and not having to grow up witnessing this bad model for how relationships/breakups should be.

I assumed this wasn't an option.

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Re: How to stop this 10 years on?

Post by chosenfew » Wed Aug 22, 2018 6:19 pm

Sorry, the children are not on any register now, this was 5 years ago!

Also, why would I want to stop them seeing their dad?? This would be more cruel on them both than anything else they have witnessed, which isn't a lot as I have tried to prevent this as much as I can! They both love him and think the sun shines out of his backside because that's what I tell them!!

The courts know what hes like, it's all documented as I've said and they've allowed him every other weekend themselves. I assume as there has been no physical violence for years based on the fact I left him.

He's got a new partner who I am sure he will be violent to and I advised the courts of this, including cafcass but there's nothing they can do until it happens..this is what I was told by social services too when I expressed my concern.

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Re: How to stop this 10 years on?

Post by Tarantula » Thu Aug 23, 2018 10:24 am

he's a nasty piece of work
He's got a new partner who I am sure he will be violent to
I couldn't see them being brought up by him and his low life family.
Our children ended up on the child protection register due to his violence
I feel so depressed at the thought of him trying to control me and constantly trying to cause trouble.
I thought this would be that case and it's sad to say for not only me but the children.
he knows how to bring me down and the only thing that gets to me is the kids and that's why he tried for full custody
it's about the children and the games he plays in regards to and through them to get at me.


...Erm, that's why. Is this really someone who should be around your kids? You say it would be cruel to them, but it's not like the impact on you isn't affecting them, too. They can see what's going on, however you try to hide it, and it is gonna have a negative effect on them. If they come to believe that their abusive dad is an example of a good man (because that's what you're telling them, perhaps you shouldn't lie to your kids), what impact do you think that's gonna have on their adult ideas about things? On who they choose as partners?

I understand that cutting the dad out is a big thing, not to be done lightly - but the way you've described your ex to us, I think the ends justify the means. Without him in your life, you will be happier and less stressed and ultimately a better parent because you won't have to deal with this horrible treatment. You say you want him out of your life - I think he's done more than enough to deserve it, and I can't see how a man like that can magically also be a good influence on your kids.

So I think that's your way out. You've tried less severe options and he hasn't respected your boundaries.

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Re: How to stop this 10 years on?

Post by chosenfew » Thu Aug 23, 2018 5:48 pm

I'm not too sure if you have kids or not but legally it's not just as easy as you make it sound to stop him seeing the children.

He's got parental rights as he is on both their birth certificates. Plus, this then means that if he wanted, he could just go and collect them from school ANY night as the school bave no way of stopping him unless there is a court order to say he is not aloud to see them..

As I've stated previously, the court order says that he can have them every other weekend. The courts, cafcass, social serves, the police, all know what he is like and what he is and I stressed the type of person he is to them even though it is documented and cafcass completed a section 7 report which states there was domestic violence. My numerous statements stated he was violent to me in the past and how controlling he is now and what he is like with the children. The boys even told cafcass things about him YET he was still granted every other weekend. Might be hard for you to believe but that's the law for you.

What do you expect me to do now? I can't break the court order and stop them seeing their dad no matter how much I hate him and I actually am the best mum I can be to my children and that includes 'lying' to them about their dad being an a#s hole because that's what you do as a good parent. You don't know my children I do and I know that what I am doing is not affecting them. Even cafcass have stated in their report that they are none the wiser to anything, baring in mind they can speak as they are nearly 7 and 9 and this report was produced in February but thanks for making out my parenting skills are below standard.

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Re: How to stop this 10 years on?

Post by peecee » Thu Aug 23, 2018 8:08 pm

Chosenfew, it's ok, take a deep breath! :D Tarantula wants the best for you, as we all do, and nobody is casting any doubt on your parenting skills!

You can't stop the kids' father from seeing them, no - nor should you try to. I've kept out of this thread because of my brother, whose psychopath of a wife made his life hell and tried to keep his little son away from him. It’s a long story, it really hurts me to talk about it, so I won’t. But the police, the courts and Cafcass all knew what she was like. Still, they had their procedures to go through, even though they knew she was lying about everything.

But through all the hell this woman put my brother through, the best advice my sister and I could give him was to keep calm through it all, because it was going to be long-term. We let him rant about her to us when he needed to, but to nobody else. He didn’t need to be told not to speak ill of her to his son, my brother was very careful not to drag his son into the grown-ups’ mess – the mother did, though.

You are doing a brilliant job providing a stable and loving home for your kids. You can’t change your ex, you can only make sure you don't get sucked into his games – as Tarantula said “You must not allow this drama to unfold to any extent whatsoever. Don't get sucked into the games, don't try to 'win', don't try to get your points across, never argue, never give him the effort it takes to text back anything that is not strictly essential". This is what we told our brother, and it helped him enormously – it’s absolutely vital, for your OWN sake, that you don't let your ex get into your head, why should he ruin even a minute of any of your days?

Good luck to you and your new partner. I know all these replies just look like words on a page to you, me dear, but they all come from the heart, and are sincerely meant. Hey, PP has changed a lot since you were a regular (so was I), but we’re still really great! :P
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