by Jennie_2003 » Tue Mar 09, 2004 4:42 pm
The Simpsons is great - especially Homer! Here are some of his quotes!Some great Homer Simpson quotes:
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"
"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"
"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?
We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didnt hear anyboby laughing , did you ?
Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.
Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs?Or the bees?
Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not
whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably.
The lesson is, never try.
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child,
but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal
again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa.
A wonderful... magical animal.
Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme
Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out
something old! Remember that time I took a home
wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer
kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that...
building...thingie... where our beds and TV... is.
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with
the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here.
step step step step step...slam
Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you,
but let's get through this thing and then I can continue
killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!
Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt!
Do I have to draw you a picture?
Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer.
They look good, they smell good, and
you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer
Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
Homer: (confused look
Old man: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!
Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy,
I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs.
But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.
Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...
(praying: Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me.
As an offering, I present these milk and cookies.
If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever...
thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch.
What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.
"To alcohol!! The cause of - and solution to - all of lifes problems!!!" - Homer Simpson