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by Tinker » Sat Mar 06, 2004 11:45 am
I love Peter Kay, Friends, simpsons, south park, father ted, trigger happy tv. Any thing like that really - Thought id put thgis up for you to see....
Peter Kay’s Universal Truths…
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a
calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your
teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed halfway
through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got
your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their
arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an
upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad
Some questions, brought to you by Peter Kay
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down
to the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bum?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp no one would eat?
10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12. What do people in China call their good plates?
13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the
window?
How true is it???? It made me laugh i got it in a email.
Peter Kay’s Universal Truths…
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your
pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a
calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a
fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your
teacher mum or dad.
18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the
first given opportunity.
19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed halfway
through and then raced against the flush.
21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong.
22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
24) You never ever run out of salt.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got
your hand or head stuck in something.
28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their
arm broken by a swan.
30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an
upturned plug.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood
specifically to stir paint with.
33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
36) Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad
Some questions, brought to you by Peter Kay
1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down
to the core of the earth?
3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your bum?
5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is
stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
6. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for
centuries' have a 'use by' date?
9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible
crisp no one would eat?
10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
12. What do people in China call their good plates?
13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't
point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
14. What do you call male ballerinas?
16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion
stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet
paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at
you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out of the
window?
How true is it???? It made me laugh i got it in a email.
- Tinker
- Regular Visitor
- Posts: 42
- Joined: Thu Dec 11, 2003 10:15 am
- Location: s.yorkshire
by depman » Sun Mar 07, 2004 5:28 pm
sovs wrote:LOL, that was really funny.
I bought the first two tapes of friends series 10 and it had me in fits of laughter. Their really great.
Cough Cough Dont you mean Stew bought the first two tapes of friends series 10
Glory Glory Tottenham Hotspur!
Glory Glory Tottenham Hotspur!
Glory Glory Tottenham Hotspur!
When the spurs go marching in
Glory Glory Tottenham Hotspur!
Glory Glory Tottenham Hotspur!
When the spurs go marching in
- depman
- Permanent Fixture
- Posts: 1015
- Joined: Thu Oct 16, 2003 2:58 pm
- Location: west sussex
sorry babe 
by Jennie_2003 » Tue Mar 09, 2004 4:42 pm
The Simpsons is great - especially Homer! Here are some of his quotes!Some great Homer Simpson quotes:
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"
"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"
"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?
We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didnt hear anyboby laughing , did you ?
Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.
Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs?Or the bees?
Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not
whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably.
The lesson is, never try.
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child,
but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal
again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa.
A wonderful... magical animal.
Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme
Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out
something old! Remember that time I took a home
wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer
kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that...
building...thingie... where our beds and TV... is.
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with
the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here.
step step step step step...slam
Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you,
but let's get through this thing and then I can continue
killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!
Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt!
Do I have to draw you a picture?
Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer.
They look good, they smell good, and
you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer
Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
Homer: (confused look
Old man: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!
Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy,
I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs.
But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.
Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...
(praying: Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me.
As an offering, I present these milk and cookies.
If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever...
thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch.
What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.
"Now son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for Daddys, and kids with fake IDs."
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to listen."
"You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine."
"Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel."
"If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers."
"To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems!"
"I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed changed, it would explode! I think it was called, 'The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down.'"
"I want to share something with you - the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, 'cover for me.' Number two, 'oh, good idea, boss.' Number three, 'it was like that when I got here.'"
"Marge, you're as pretty as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda."
"Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'"
"Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. Well, good night."
"Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."
"Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such."
"Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way."
"Stealing! How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain whats-his-name?
We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didnt hear anyboby laughing , did you ?
Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'sir' without adding, 'you're making a scene.
Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs?Or the bees?
Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not
whether you win or lose... it's how drunk you get.
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably.
The lesson is, never try.
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child,
but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal
again? What about bacon?
Lisa: No.
Homer: Ham?
Lisa: No!
Homer: Pork chops?
Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!
Homer: Heh heh heh... ooh... yeah... right, Lisa.
A wonderful... magical animal.
Marge: Do you want your son to be Chief Justice of the Supreme
Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren was never a stripper!
Homer: Oh, now who's being naive?
Homer: But every time I learn something new, it pushes out
something old! Remember that time I took a home
wine-making course and forgot how to drive?
Marge: That's because you were drunk!
Homer: And how!
Oh, Lisa, you and your stories: Bart's a vampire, beer
kills brain cells. Now let's go back to that...
building...thingie... where our beds and TV... is.
Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Lenny: Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?
Homer: Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with
the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes!
Big brother representative: Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
Homer's brain: Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer: Ummm... revenge?
Homer's brain: Okay, that's it. I'm outta here.
step step step step step...slam
Homer: Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you,
but let's get through this thing and then I can continue
killing you with beer.
Homer's Brain: It's a deal!
Homer: But Marge! I was a political prisoner!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt!
Do I have to draw you a picture?
Homer: Bart, a woman is like a beer.
They look good, they smell good, and
you'd step over your own mother just to get one! (chugs beer
Old man: Take this doll, but beware; it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooo, that's bad.
Old man: But it comes with a free serving of frozen yogurt!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The frozen yogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That's bad.
Old man: But it comes with your choice of toppings!
Homer: That's good!
Old man: The toppings contain potassium benzoate...
Homer: (confused look
Old man: That's bad.
Homer: Can I go now?
Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.
Homer's brain: Use reverse psychology.
Homer: Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain: Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer: Okay, I will!
Homer: When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy,
I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie -- Spaceballs.
But instead it was dark and disturbing. Like that movie -- Police Academy.
Marge: Homer, did you call the audience "Chicken"?
Homer: No! I swear on this bible!
Marge: That's not a bible. That's a book of carpet samples.
Homer: Mmmm... fuzzy.
Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No.
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes.
Homer: But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.
Mmmmm... reprocessed pig fat...
(praying: Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me.
As an offering, I present these milk and cookies.
If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever...
thy bidding will be done (munch munch munch.
What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.
"To alcohol!! The cause of - and solution to - all of lifes problems!!!" - Homer Simpson
- Jennie_2003
- One of the Crowd
- Posts: 53
- Joined: Wed Mar 12, 2003 8:57 am
- Location: Manchester
by Fidel » Tue Mar 09, 2004 6:18 pm
"Bart, with $10,000 dollars we could be millionaires and buy all sorts of stuff like love"
"I was kicked out for my views on Vietnam.......I was stealing projectors too"
Those two are my favourite
"I was kicked out for my views on Vietnam.......I was stealing projectors too"
Those two are my favourite
Last night I dreamt that somebody loved me.
-
Fidel - Taken Root
- Posts: 2014
- Joined: Fri Oct 10, 2003 10:12 pm
- Location: Edinburgh
- Gender: Male
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