in need of advice

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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in need of advice

Postby advisee » Fri Jun 13, 2003 12:26 pm

hi guys, i seem to be stuck in a 'situation' and could really use some advice.

i have a very dear friend who i've known for the last few years. over the past 18 months we've become almost as close as two people can possibly get without being sexually involved - so far so good. the only problem is that within the past 6 months i've developed strong feelings towards her which is where the problems begin...

firstly, she's in a relationship and has been since we first met and they appear happy. i've always been attracted to her but have until now managed to keep these feelings hidden. secondly, she opened up to me even further last summer by telling me that she was experiencing severe depression and as a result had dropped out of college and that many of her so-called 'friends' had distanced themselves from her.

this left her feeling vulnerable and she needed reassurance that i wouldn't follow their lead, which i didn't hesitate to give her, as both her and the friendship mean so much to me. during the months
since, we've grown closer still and spend a lot more time together both at work and socially.

it was suggested that in order to curb these feelings and to try to put them into perspective i took some time away from her and so found myself abroad for a month. this i found did not help and if
anything made me realise that she was an even bigger part of my life than i had realised. i found myself wanting to be with her more each day.

as mentioned, she's been going through some tough times over the last few months and recently made a point of telling me that she enjoys our close friendship and that she feels she can pretty much tell me anything, so it's getting even tougher for me to share my feelings with her. as i've mentioned she has a boyfriend and also she doesn't seem to have too many close friends, so if i do make a move i fear it's going to damage one relationship or another.

the past few months have seen us ringing each other in the early hours and drunkenly professing our affection for each other! i was being serious, but her use of the term 'i love you' has left me not knowing which way to turn. one weekend, we were out together with amongst others her boyfriend. she was very drunk and whenever he left our company for a moment, she would tell me she loved me and hug and touch me, and at one point her hands were all over me out of view of
the boyfriend. should i take this show of affection literally or let things be? the following night i sent her a message, as usual, telling her (while she was under the influence) that i had feelings for her and apart from her initial shocked reation she seemed to show no real emotion. we were due to go out together the following night as a group - again including her boyfriend - and so i made the
point of giving myself an excuse should the situation be a little tricky. thankfully, there were no problems, she appeared very eager to see me and a good night was had.

since then we've spent a growing amount of time together - watching videos, having drinks, going the cinema etc. - and we've been in very close contact. we quite often stay up until the early hours sending each other messages detailing, at first what we each looked for in a relationship, and then more recently, more personal, sexual fantasies involving each other. we're always telling each other during these that we love each other and she has admitted that she does have feelings for me, but that she's confused about how she feels about me and that how the timing's all wrong. we're both unsure about where the friendship is headed and we've both expressed that we value what we share and vowed that no matter what, we'll remain as strong in friendship as before this latest 'episode'. but we all know it's not that simple, so what do i do?

she also let slip in one of these conversations that a strong, well founded companionship is a fairly high prioity that she looks for in a partner. i've since found myself needlessly messaging her just to make a connection and have noticed that if i miss a day or two she tends to do the same. i value this friendship more than any and don't know what i would do without her in my life. i'm approaching the end of my college course and am looking for a job which may see me leave
the area or even the country as the military is one option. when i told her this she appeared slightly depressed and has asked me to stay.

another factor affecting our relationship is that i feel that if i were to make my feelings known she would think that i was betraying the friendship to get her attention which couldn't be any further
from the truth. i try to be there for her when she's feeling down as i know her insecurity lies with not having many friends, and she's told me that she really appreciates my advice and attention. she
has confided in me on a number of occassions, and this situation - not her - has left me feeling that i'm betraying her by seeking advice from someone else about such a personal matter. we have such a tight friendship and enjoy each others company so much that both my friends and our work colleagues are convinced that there's something between us and won't accept that there isn't! this has lead to several minor rumors which we can both laugh off and we have also initiated a few to amuse ourselves - is this playful flirting or is she looking to the future and testing the water?

what do i do? i've reached a crossroad and don't know which way to turn. i've never felt this much emotion about a person before, let alone about someone i currently share a purely platonic friendship with. admittedly i'm quite shy and lack confidence, and a s a result i don't have a very good track record with women and am quite inexperienced. i'm confused, can't concentrate, am losing sleep. my weight has plummeted, and it's affecting my grades and attendance.

i feel that this is too personal a matter to solve close to home and so have spoken to a counsellor myself regarding the issue, but unfortunately, the advice given was not beneficial to me. so please, if you can offer anything else i'd be very grateful. thank you
advisee
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Postby issues » Thu Jun 19, 2003 12:04 pm

ok, i am only 18 and studyin A levels so this is just my views, ideas and how i would maybe handle this.


How long she bin wiv her B-F??
Dont her BF think somthin is goin on or get gelous??
personally i would even if i trusted U because u was an amazin mate to her and maybe the BF himself. if so maybe this relationship between them is not so serious????
(these are just questions i would ask myself)

Maybe ask Y she is so bothered about U goin away, she will say because u r my best friend and i love U from what i have heard about her.
Then U say "our friendship means the world to me but i think i want more, my love for U is starting to feel stronger and i am falling for you in other ways and i dont want 2 but pressure on with your BF so maybe it could be for the best!

Think that is what i would want 2 do in that situation or have 2 do, and see what happens from there.

Very hard one m8, hence Y only i have replyed and i dont think it will be useful 2 U but, hay worth a try :D
issues
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Postby advisee » Sun Jul 13, 2003 12:56 pm

hey issues, thanks for your reply. havn't had time to act on anything
since cos i've been a bit busy.

anyway, things have changed since the last post - she's now finished
with the bf and seems to be getting on with her own life but her and me
are still very close.

a few days ago i had an interview for a job at the other end of the
country and am awaiting the results this week. it went very well and
when i told her she told me she didn't want me to go because she'd miss
me. also, more and more colleagues have been asking if and when we are
going to get together because we'd make such a great couple.

if successful, the job would start within four weeks so our time
together could be very limited. leaving home would be insignificant when
compared to the pain of leaving her given the current relationship, but
i really would like to take it a step further. i can't expect her to be
ready for another relationship so soon and i don't want her to feel
pressured or feel that i was giving her an ultimatum. what should i do?

is there anyone who has been in a similar situation who could please
offer any advice as i'd be most grateful.

thanks in anticipation, advisee
advisee
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Postby madbird » Tue Jul 15, 2003 8:45 pm

Hi Advisee, I'm not in exactly the same position as you but i understand what you are going through. I love my best mate, but things have gone further for us (see 'just a friend?'). The way he is with me, I just can't believe that it's just a friendship thing and I've never known feelings like it for each other if that's all it is (apart from the way you two feel I should say). I would love for us to be together but he said he doesn't think it's the right time for us. I don't know if this is just a way of not hurting me, because he said he's known for a while how i feel about him. I find myself needlessly texting him and he's going on holiday for a week and i don't know how i'm going to cope not seeing him. He has one girlfriend after another and has one at the moment and I have to pretend to be happy with it, I am happy for him, but at times i feel like I just can't cope with the jealously. Everyone comments on the way he is with me, hugging me and the way we are with each other, they all say that it's a shame we don't get it together.

I think this job opportunity has made it now or never for you, tell her how you really feel, sober this time! Feeling the way you do about each other you've already agreed that nothing can ruin things between you, if you don't I think you're going to drive yourself mad. Put it in a way that she doesn't feel pressured, that you're not expecting anything from her, but need to tell her how you really feel and would like to know how she really feels about you. My mate said he loves me, I haven't confronted him about anything since things have got back to normal between us, but i've spoken to his brother and he says he thinks the world of me but not in the way I feel about him. It hurt and there was quite a few tears but at least I know where I stand now, I know I'd always welcome a heart to heart with my friend.

Good luck with everything, let me know what happens.
:D
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