Friends who need Attenion

Maybe you have fallen out with your mate, or perhaps you are about to betray them - whatever it is, talk about it here.
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Friends who need Attenion

Postby briz babe » Fri Aug 01, 2003 1:53 pm

hey, Im kinda new at this but anyway here it goes. You see I have this friend who has started to cut his arms. I think it could be cause this guy in my street ask me out. But I think theres more to it than that I've tried talking about it and so have a few of my other friends but he doesnt want to talk.He wont show his cuts to my friends but he keeps showing them to me do you think he wants attenion from me. Do you think he will stop I'm new to this please help xxx :(
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HI

Postby Beckyt » Fri Aug 01, 2003 3:55 pm

Hi ya

self harming is a way of seeking attention but its also a very selfish way to go. I used to be a self harmer I used to cut my wrists with razors, knives etc and the only time I stopped was when I realised that my friends were hurting seeing me in pain. Covering my wrists up, avoiding doing P.E etc. When you self-harm you don't want to talk about it but you love the attention that it's generating. I had all sorts of people demanding to know why I was doing it and telling me they wanted me to stop. One lad even fell in love with me after I stopped. But then you realise that its pathetic and people need to love you when your sane not when your cutting your arms to bits.
You need to tell this lad that the cutting has got to stop if he wants to stay in a healthy friendship with you. However sorry you feel for him you have to be firm it's emotional black mail to do this because you are living your life in a way that he doesn't wantt you to. If he does want you and he likes you then he will stop. If however, he tells you what really is the matter and it's not becausee he likes you and feels jealous then you need to give him some support. Perhaps he's crying out to you for help? You need to be there as a friend not just bow down to him because you pity him, only when he sees your true support will he realsie that self-harming may feel like relief but its hurting others around him.
He's a lucky lad having friends around him that care so much

Good luck and take care!

Becky
Don't worry be happy!!!
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I'll try

Postby briz babe » Fri Aug 01, 2003 9:40 pm

I'll try and talk to him and let you know how it goes thank for your advice.
Take care xxx
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any one else

Postby briz babe » Sun Aug 03, 2003 12:26 am

ok i tried telking to him. I told him that if he carried on that our friendship would start to wear thin but that has just made it worse. He has now carved my name on his arm and the cuts are begining to get deeper is there any thing else i can do help please Its depressing me like mad xxx
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Postby sovs » Mon Aug 11, 2003 2:30 am

Tell him if he does it again you dont want to see him no more.
Hopefully this will work.
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It hurts

Postby briz babe » Wed Aug 13, 2003 2:06 am

I have spoken to him hes stopped I just hate the way we argue he keeps calling me a slag and i'm not I just want us to go back to how it was at the start how can I make this happen xxx
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Postby HannahL » Thu Aug 14, 2003 5:45 am

Hiya!

The answer to your last post is - you can't. You can't change him - you can ask him to and threaten him but ultimately you'll only things back to how they were at the start if he is prepared to work with you to achieve that.

I know you and this guy were friends but what he's been doing is abusive.

Ordinarily I don't think there's anything wrong with self-harm - its often just a coping mechanism and quite a common one - some people pick up a chocolate bar - others pick up a razor. in this way its ok and shouldn't be looked down upon because any coping mechanism is better than none.

However, this person you're referring to doesn't seem to be using self-harm as a coping mechanism - he does seem to be using it as a tool aimed at emotional blackmail. In addition calling you a slag isn't ok.

Personally, since it's you posting and not him - maybe the question should be - why are you staying around someone who's treating you like this? You sound like a really caring and kind person - but that doesn't make you responsible for other people at the expense of yourself, and taking care of yourself by distancing yourself from someone who consistantly hurts you does not make you any less caring or kind.

This bloke sounds fixated on you and I would guess you aren't therefore the person to help him - you may feel like the most important thing in the world to your friend. He may very well think you are - but I suspect you are less important than this game he is playing.

Either way the answer is (in theory) simple...

Set very firm boundaries with him. Make them so fixed there's no room for discussion - write them down and go through them with him if you have to

some of them would be -
1) He will not cut himself in front of you
2) He will not tell you about him cutting himself - that it's ok for him to cut himself (if you think it is) but that he's not allowed to discuss it with you AT ALL (he may then stop if he's doing it for emotional blackmail reasons)
3) He will not call you anything (you'd have to agree not to call him anything also :) )
You would need to tailor the others to suit your situation but make these boundaries rigid and tell him and mean it that if he breaks them you will end the friendship.

That way - if you are more important to him than the game you'll be able to build on the friendship. If you're not more important than his game he'll break the boundaries and you'll know where you stand - hopefully that will be what you need to realise that he's not good for you and you will end the relationship.

More than anything I want for you to protect yourself from being abused by this person. Just because he is acting out does NOT mean he is more important than you - you need to protect yourself as much and MORE than you support other people. Otherwise you're not going to be as helpful a support to people you could genuinely help.

Hope whatever you do works out for the best xxxx

(oh my god how long is this post!! I thought my wrist was hurting!! after all that i hope this helps someone...!!! madness!! :) ...doh!! )
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ok

Postby briz babe » Thu Aug 14, 2003 5:39 pm

We have broken friends he keeps spraying slag on houses and garages in my street Im honestly not a slag ive only slept with 2 people and they were in a serious relationship with me I want to be his friend Im not a bad person so why would he do this xx

HELP XX
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Postby HannahL » Thu Aug 14, 2003 6:07 pm

Hiya briz babe, you sound like a nice person and this bloke's behaviour is shocking and you don't deserve it - even if you'd slept with a hundred people, three in a night, you wouldn't deserve to be treated like that.

I hate the words slag and slut - I don't think people should be juged on the number of people they've slept with - who's business is it but theirs? You're not a slag and you don't have to justify yourself- he shouldn't be writing those things full stop.

You may never know why he's treating you like he is. You aren't a bad person and I imagine this blokes behaviour is incredibly hurtful. Why do you want to stay friends with him?

Take care of yourself!! xxx
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