Miscarriage

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Miscarriage

Postby CFG » Mon Jan 16, 2006 12:30 am

Just found out that my eldest sister has had a miscarriage. I don't really know how I should be feeling about it. I mean, obviously, I'm upset. She only told the family at Xmas so she's not very far gone. I was just getting used to the idea of finally being an auntie, and now I'm not.

Thing is, I can't help feeling that my sister is not the best person to be thinking of having a child right now. I know that sounds harsh, but she's highly overweight (about size 24, but only 5"1), she smokes about 40 a day (although last time I saw her, just after New Years' Eve, she said she was stopping), and neither she or her husband can hold down a job. She currently works a few hours a week at a taxi rank, and he's out of work again. They live in a poky rented flat, and it's hard to determine exactly how happy they are together - they met at a single's night and got married before you could blink. Not that there's anything wrong with that - I moved in with my now-fiance after four months together - but with them, it always felt like they were in a rush to settle down with whoever happened to come along.

And no-one really knows that much about her husband; he seems nice enough, but he's a bit vague and he never seems to be around. On her 30th birthday, for example, the whole family went out for a meal - half an hour after we all met in the restaurant, he rang her to say he was staying in Manchester with his mates. We were all really angry with him, but she just defended him. I think she puts up with it because she has low self-esteem, due to her size.

She's not exactly sweetness and light herself, though. A few months after they married, they announced that they were trying for a baby. When I congratulated her, my sister's exact words were "Yeah, well, we'll get a council house quicker if we have a kid." :o Great reason to have a child, eh? She's always acted like the whole world is against her - we once had a massive row because she was talking about quitting her reasonably well-paying job and signing on the dole. She claimed that it was her "right" to claim benefits, and if "junkies" could do it, why shouldn't she? She had exactly the same upbringing as me and our other two sisters - I just can't understand where her attitude stems from. I know she was bullied a lot at school, and our parents aren't exactly the softly-softly types - Dad was always having a go at her for something when she was a teenager. But I don't think it was any more than the rest of us.

Upset as I am that she's had this miscarriage, I have to confess that I'm slightly relieved. I know she really wants a baby, but I always felt it was for mostly the wrong reasons. And I don't think she's in a position now to bring a child into the world anyway. My hope is that having the miscarriage will kick her into touch with the obesity and smoking problem, and maybe encourage him to start being a responsible husband. I feel like I'm being a cow for feeling like that, though... :(
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Postby LICKLELEA » Mon Jan 16, 2006 11:00 am

Hi CFG it must be such a difficult time for your sister but you also need to put yourself in her shoes to understand the full extent of her problems.

You're looking at her from the outside and sometimes its easier to judge people that way (not saying its a bad thing), YOU can see that her having a child at this time is a bad thing for her as her attitude to work etc is definately not what you would expect. But perhaps she doesn't feel that way.

I think she must be quite depressed and insecure and maybe she just wants someone to love and them to love her back in return. She must know that being overweight puts a strain on your body, especially when you are pregnant so maybe this could be a wake up call for her.

You don't need to feel guilty about feeling slightly relieved even if it sounds cruel as I believe that children should always be brought up with the best intentions and if someone can't give up the fags for 9 months its very selfish.

I hope this does make your sister think about her lifestyle (as that is what the doctors will be tellin her). But you must let her get on with her life and let her run it the way she wants to even if it isnt the best way in your eyes.
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Postby amanda11 » Tue Jan 17, 2006 12:42 am

I can undersatnd the way you feel, even though its very sad that a life has been ended, you're sister wouldn't have been able to give that child a decent upbringing.

Its hard when somebody you love lives/behaves in a way that to everyone else is so obviously self-destructive. She must have self-esteem problems to live the way she does. I hope she is happy, but it sounds like she isn't.

Maybe this will be this will make her think about her life more, and maybe she will change. Have you ever told her the way you feel? Its important that you're a good sister right now and let her know you're there for her.
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Postby CFG » Tue Jan 17, 2006 10:57 pm

Yeah, the whole family have tried different tactics with her. My dad is one for blowing up at the smallest things, so we quickly learnt that his method wasn't the best.

So me and our other sisters have always tried to help her out, take her shopping for clothes and encourage her to make an effort. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a girly-girl and won't go shopping unless it's absolutely necessary, so I'm not suggesting that she has to suddenly become dead feminine. But she literally lives in the same t-shirt and jeans, and, to put it bluntly, her personal hygeine leaves a lot to be desired. It can become embarrassing for the rest of the family, and since she got married, it's become worse rather than better. But she immediately goes on the defensive and acts like a child who's not getting her own way, no matter how gently or tactfully you put it (her favourite phrase being, tearfully "What is this, get at me day?!")

It's difficult, because you want to let her live her own life. My mum can be a be a bit tactless, moaning about what a state my sister is, but I always defend my sister because it's her life, right? I sort of feel a cross between embarrasment and pity for her.

But she is thirty-one years old, and it's not just about her own life anymore - not if she's trying for a kid? I don't know - I love her to bits. In some ways, I feel closer to her than my other sisters, maybe because she isn't so girly. Grr. I worry about her, and I'm angry with her at the same time - am I just weird or what??
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Postby gatekeeper » Fri Jan 20, 2006 4:18 pm

Nope, you're not weird. You may not like her, but you can love her. Feelings can overlap, like you can feel sorry for her, angry with her and even love her, all at the same time.
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